Internediate Motorcycle training

I completed my Intermediate Motorcycle training last Saturday at Gerotek, and it was great fun. I learned a lot about handling my scooter, and about handling myself on the scooter, as well as what not to do. Here is a brief synopsis:

Firstly, we discussed rider safety gear, which I already knew from my club and biker friends; although it is amazing to see how few people take it seriously. I know that you can tend to feel like a bit of a plonka wearing full gear if you are only going down to the shops, but there is an acronym that all bikers should live by – ATGATT. It stands for all the gear, all the time, and is worth remembering. I speak from experience.

Once we had discussed the pros and cons of full leathers versus cordura or Kevlar, and the necessity of spending a minimum of R2500 (yikes, mine cost way less than that) on your helmet, we started on the clutch and throttle control at low and high speed. This was interesting because there was a person there whose bike was far too big and heavy and this person kept stalling and dropping the bike. To practise this we did various manoeuvres in straight lines, in wide arcs, and in circles around cones.

After that we went onto continuous circles around cones in a figure of eight. That was very cool. I think it may have to do with the fact that I don’t have a clutch (I ride a scoot) but I have loads of fun on this exercises zooming around the cones.

After that we went to the mountain pass and learned how to enter and exit a corner, how to judge the speed, and how to tell when it is time to accelerate out of a corner. This may sound basic, but if you don’t have a clue, and find yourself bliskeming through the barrier, you will know what I mean when I say you need to learn this!

The mountain pass was fun as we did corners up hill and down hill, on sandy patches, fairly sharp corners, and while chasing each other. Loads of fun again.

After that it was onto the gradient slopes. This proved to be very interesting for those whose clutch control was a bit dodgy. While we were there, we watched the Landrovers go down what looked like a 90 degree slope (Help!) and come up a 45 degree slope. I didn’t see the sign, and I am sure it cannot have been 90 degrees, but it was certainly too damn steep to have walked.

After lunch, we went to the suspension track to ride over simulated surfaces. This was more fun. Potholes, gravel, bad conditions, etc. Swerving, braking, slopes, and you name it. More fun was had by all.

After that we went to the Dynamic Ride and Handling track to put it all together and see if we had actually learned anything. That was groovy. We could go as fast as we wanted, and some zoomed faster than others. There were many sharp corners here but the hills were not as much fun as they were gentler.

The final thing of the day was the High Speed Oval. WOOHOO! Of course, I went as fast as my scoot would let me, which was a pitiful 95KPH (she can go at 105, but only on a down hill with a tail wind), but that was better than nothing. We were divided into relative speed groups, and none of the others overtook me. Ha ha.

All in all, it was a fantastic day, and I learned how to take a line into a corner, and most importantly, how to safely accelerate out of a corner. Also, how to read a corner. I also learned when and how to use back brakes (hardly ever), and when and how to apply brakes in gravel.

I had the best time, and learned a lot to keep me safe.

To all you other 2 wheelers out there: safe riding, and God speed.

Department of Homeland Affairs

Another bug bear I have at the moment is the Department of Homeland Affairs. My passport has expired. In order to get another, it takes 6 to 8 weeks, unless you apply for a temporary one which you can get in 11 days.

If you apply for a temporary one at the same time, you have to complete 2 application forms, and pay an additional R500 for the “emergency” document, although there are 2 specific blocks on the application form – one saying emergency passport, and one saying emergency travel documents. This one is a temporary passport, and will allow you have a passport much quicker than the usual wait. But there is a catch. There are MANY countries that do not accept these so-called temporary passports such as the UK, Dubai, India, and a few other I forget.

I have also discovered another annoying thing. The reason it takes 6 to 8 weeks for the normal passports to be ready is that they are not processed right away.

There is an SMS number you can text to see the progress of you document, and so far, mine is still not registering as a application, never mind any of the other steps. This is obviously because all the stupid temporary ones go to the top of the pile and the rest of us just have to wait.

This is a stupid system. If they just processed them all as they came in there would be no problem. WTF is wrong with this picture?

I am flying to the UK in 6 months. I just hope my passport is ready by then. Some people involved in the procurement of these type of travel documents advised me that I was wise to apply so early as I may only just make it.

Watch this space…

Don’t try to help me, just do what I ask you to do

So today I asked a colleague to perform a certain financial function for me that I do not have access to on the financial system, which is so simple it should have taken him less than 3 minutes to do it. I needed a credit note against a particular invoice due to an extremely long-winded negotiation with a client that has taken a year to resolve, and has now finally been agreed upon.

All that needed to be done was a credit note to be created for an amount which I specified, and for him to let me know it was done in the system so I could print the note, get a partner to sign it, scan it in and send it to the client. But no. Things are NEVER that simple.

2 hours later he calls me back with a long story about how he cannot reverse the invoice because it is in the previous financial year, and it is only for a part of the amount. Of course it is – this is why I asked for a credit note. The invoice is NOT supposed to be reversed, it is supposed to stand, and only a portion is supposed to be credited.

I explained that to him, in as much detail as I had put into the mail, and he still did not understand.

Now I realise that NOBODY is indispensable, but there are a few people at my office that we simply cannot do without. The person he is replacing is one of them. She is the only person who knows the financial system, and who knows what is going on, and who actually listens to you when you ask her to do something.

She doesn’t try help me by doing something else (assuming I must have used the incorrect term, and substituting another in its place), and she also understands the urgency of things at all times.

One of the things I hate most about the office environment is people who either are completely fecking stupid, or those who try help you by doing something other than what you have asked them to do because they think they are helping you. STOP IT! You are not helping. You are causing a problem and making work for everyone, including yourself.

Think people. Think!

the world is a village, except it is not

This is a picture of me with my best friend in the whole world at Cape Agulhas - the most southern point of Africa. I met him online 9 months ago. We got chatting, and became fast friends.

Eventually, we decide to come visit me in South Africa, all the way from Ireland, and it was better than either of us hoped. He is a true gentlman, a man of honour, and is my best friend in all the world.

I cried when he left to go back home, and I miss him terribly, but he has invited me to go visit him in Dublin, and I am saving for a ticket. I think I will write the whole story down in the next post, but wanted to put his smiling mug up here to remind me how wonderful life can be.

Although the world is a village in that we can meet online and chat as if we are neighbours, I cannot just pop next door to see him and give him a hug, or go see him for a chat.

Please will someone invent a teleporter really quickly? Pretty Please?

When it is not funny

There are many different types of humour, depending on where you live in the world, how yuo were brought up, your home language, and how you see the world, but I think we can all agree that humour which is always at someone else's expense is just not funny.

I have a colleauge who thinks he is just sooooooo fecking funny because he goes around insulting people all day long, and passes it off as funny. He then looks for affirmation, and si helluva surprised when he doesn't get it.

I can't decide if he is stupid or just mean-spirited.

Funny is as funny does, or something like it. Surely it not funny to call someone stupid, or see a diary on their desk and ask them if it is the dummy's guide to time management, or if they have a shoe off to ask them what the awful smell is.

Funny is like clever. You can't buy it. No matter where you shop, nor how many times you say the same thing...

New words and phrases

Fabulous - now to remember them...

New Words for 2007

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women


And just because they're funny..... Old Words for 2006

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business"

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -
needless paperwork and processes

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff
member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is
known as a McShit with Lies.(we've ALL done this)

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you
live, how you got here, and where you've come from

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you
go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!"

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're
in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

Men and bums

Another thing I know about men for sure (or maybe about my colleague, who represents the typical male) is that when a man walks behind a woman that is what he is thinking. Behind.

He just walked into the office and said, and I quote: “Say what you want, but African women have great asses”.

I asked him who he was referring to and he said he really didn’t care who it was as he wasn’t concentrating on her face at all. In fact, he didn’t even take the time to look at her face. He couldn’t even have told me if he knew who it was; he was completely fixated on her butt.

Just to prove my point, he also looked at my chest this morning, blushed, and said (I kid you not) “no Friday cleavage then? I was looking forward to some cleavage and now you have ruined my day.”

I find it completely amusing that he thinks it is funny to say that right out loud, and secondly that he thinks it is appropriate to say something like that at all in this day and age.

Can you say “sexual harassment”?

Joke of the day (not my original...)

Men and cleavage

So, I think there is a compulsive connection between women's breasts and men's eyes. I did a little experiment the other day - I wore a tight-fitting, black, crossover, fairly low cut, revealing t-shirt. Of all the men, one (who I suspect is gay) did not look at my cleavage. The rest looked, almost as if they could not help it. I questioned a few of them on it, and their reply was that if I am going to wear clothes like that then I get what I want, and do they.

Whatever.

I am just totally amused that men in general are so unable to control themselves. It is both amusing, and sad. Poor guys. Imagine being ruled by women so obviously and so impulsively all the time...

I guess I never noticed this before because I have been overweight my whole life, and have only recently noticed that I have a body.

I have lost 43 kilos in the last 3 years, and kept it off. Just a few more to go. woohoo. I am literally half the women I used to be.

Christmas Lunch! Yum

This year, instead of having the usual (albeit delicious) Mongolian braai, I managed to negotiate a different plan. We had the most delicious roast chicken with cranberry stuffing, roasted vegetables, and roasted potatoes.

We had also planned on having green salad, and red salad. We did so many roasted veggies that we did not make the salads, as there seemed to be quite enough to eat.

We put the chicken into a cooking bag, and surrounded it with the veggies, lightly coated in olive oil, and very sparingly drizzled with honey.

After 2 hours in the oven (the veggies came out a bit before), the chicken was done. The final touch was to put some Dukkah onto the potatoes. We had made our own Dukkah, and it is the most excellent thing ever. It is supposed to be a fragrant Egyptian spice, and MAN is it ever delicious.

We got the base recipe from a book somewhere, but made it our own. You take one cup of oven-roasted almonds, one cup of oven roasted sesame seeds, one third of a cup of coriander seeds, one third of a cup of cumin seeds, and blend it all in a food processor. Then add a quarter teaspoon of flaked sea salt, and you have the best spice in the world.

It is a very subtle yet fragrant flavour that we added liberally to the potatoes.

For festive drinks we made cranberry and soda with ribbons of cucumber and strawberry in them. The looked very merry.

I am going to try upload some pics for you all to see.

The drinks with the cucumber ribbons:


Here is the raw chicken with the delicious-looking veggies before they went in:

Driving lessons 101

Inspired by being a passenger in my friend's car. !!!!

Lesson 1
Don’t break into a corner. If you have to, break before, but you will have more control of your vehicle if you accelerate into a corner than if you are breaking. Plus, people don’t expect you to slam on anchors for no apparent reason just because there is a corner ahead.

Lesson 2
Always be aware of where cars are around you. This includes those behind you, in front of you, and yes, even next to you. This is so that in the unexpected, yet almost certain to occur event, you know where your escape routes are, and don’t have to start looking when you only have one second to act. The same goes for if you are waiting to be let into traffic. Don’t start looking for gaps on the other side if one side lets you in…

Lesson 3
Be aware of the surface of the road ahead and to the sides of you. Again, this has to do with planning an escape route. ‘nuf said.

Lesson 4
Be aware of the potential danger spots such as side roads where cars will suddenly come out of nowhere into your lane because they can. Perhaps they did see you, perhaps they did not. Even if you were right, you are still dead.

Lesson 5
Expect people to stop for pigeons, dogs, old ladies, and even beetles (imaginary or real) with no reason whatsoever. However, this will be no problem for you if you have kept your following distance. Again, even if you were right, your car still gets bent…

Lesson 6
People will wait until the last minute to go, and will drive out in front of you because they can. Anticipate this. You know it is going to happen.

Lesson 7
Learn to use your breaks properly. Anticipate, and instead of screaming up to an intersection or a group of cars, try just lifting your foot off the accelerator and letting gravity help you. You will find that your petrol bill goes down significantly too.

My Mum has 2 medals that her Dad got for safe driving. Can you imagine that? It seems inconceivable that such things were ever awarded. I bet the people who gave those out are turning in their graves today.

I wanna buy a helicopter

Safe driving...

New neighbours

I have a new neighbour, which means that my old neighbour is gone. Woohoo! She was a very rude, mean-spirited, and selfish woman, and I am glad she is gone. (I realise that is not really a very good attitude to have, but I don't really care.)

When she moved in, I went to welcome her, and she was rude and obviously did not want to be part of our neighbourhood, or perhaps was not used to being welcomed into a neighbourhood. I would greet her everytime I saw her, but she would either swear at me under her breath, or ignore me flat. I was still friendly to her for the past 2 years, and finally yesterday evening I saw that a new couple had moved in. (I had heard various noises the evening before until 1am, but that was not unusual, so I ignored it.

Anyway, I went to welcome my new neighbours, and they seem like a wonderful couple. I cannot tell you how pleased I am. We have already discussed where the good shops are in the neighbourhood, where the best take away joints are, best routes onto the highways, doctors, vets, etc, and we even have a coffee date. I am also going to help them paint one of their rooms.

Not only are they friendly, but they also don't have a dog. Now, I love animals, and have had various combinations all my life. I currently have a cat. My old neighbour had a dog who used to get out of her yard (because she did not have a gate), and deposit tons and tons of dog poo on my lawn, and chase my cat daily. Despite the complex and body coporeate rules that every place must have a gate if it has animals, she simply did not ever put one up, which meant that her dog could wriggle through my gate which has holes between the slats of the metal. Needless to say, I asked her politely many times, but she would either ignore me, or say "well, that is what dogs do!"

Next to brussel sprouts and cooked oatmeal, dog poo is THE MOST DISGUSTING thing in the world, and I really resent having to pick it up if I don't have a dog.

I considered picking it up and giving it to her weekly, but I was afraid she may hit me. LOL. Never mind, she has gone now.

Thank goodness for new neighbours.

Yaaaaaaaay!

Cretin driver...

Yesterday, it was raining while I was driving on the highway. Now, while I am the first to admit that the general driver in South Africa is not what I would call a "good" driver, it gets worse when it rains. Even if it only rains a bit. As soon as the roads become even vaguely slick, people forget how to drive completely (that is if they ever knew how in the first place!), and somehow, people drive even closer behind you, and faster than they do when their tyres grip on the road is more solid.

Case in point: yesterday, I watched helplessly as a man in a white bakkie (you may call it a truck or a utility vehicle, depending on which part of the world you live in) came speeding up behind me, oblivious to the fact that all three lanes of traffic were driving at only 30KPH due to the poor visibility and rain. He came belting along, and suddenly saw me. He slammed on anchors, and I could see that he was going to hit me, so I tried to calmly move forward into the space I had left in front of me, but I knew it would not be enough, and I braced myself for the impact.

At the last possible moment, he swerved out and hit the barrier in the middle of the island. Now you have to understand. I have what may be called an overactive imagination. In my mind, it all happened in slow motion, and I could see it as if it were a cartoon, happening with the stars, the smoke escaping out of the bonnet, and everything. Even the sound of the impact had a quasi-cartoon sound to it. I really should not have laughed, and perhaps it was the release of the tension and adrenalin, but I burst out laughing. I still laugh now at the thought of picture on my mind. Luckily, he was not injured at all, and there was little damage to his car.

Thank goodness.

All I can say is I have ABS breaks, and he does not. I guess that's what the barrier is for. Poor guy. Perhaps he will pay closer attention next time.

Dodged a bullet. Here's to the next dodge...

Sleeping...

A friend of mine says that sleeping is a waste of time. She says that time you spend sleeping is time lost, and that you never get that time back.

Firstly – Duh! Secondly, how can it be a waste of time if your body is healing, regenerating, and relaxing? Thirdly, when else do you get to dream? I know some of you said you don’t dream, or don’t remember your dreams, and some dreams are bad dreams, but some dreams are good dreams.

In the words of Ralph Wiggum (from the Simpsons) “Oh boy sleep. That’s where I’m a Viking!” I find the moments just before wakefulness to be among the most pleasant, specially if it is cold out. Your body is still asleep, and warm, but your mind is just starting to wake up.

I don’t consider sleep a waste of time, but I do consider ironing a waste of time. Your clothes do look much better on you when they are ironed, there is no question about that, but soon, they get all wrinkly again. What’s the point of doing something that will get undone and need to be redone soon?If they can send a man to the Moon, and a car to Mars to collect Mars rocks, why can’t they create linen that is wrinkle-proof?

What do you consider to be a waste of time?

Fecking big spider

28 Sept 2006
This morning, as I got to my office, the usual round up of dust bunnies, viruses creeping around the aircon machine, and dead leaves on the plant greeted me, but I also had an additional visitor. Reading the sage words of Zen advice on keeping your head when all around you are failing (you know, things such as no one is listening until you fart…) was an adolescent baboon spider. I looked at him in surprise, and he looked at me as if I was a piece of mouldy cheese.

After trying to get hold of any men at work who would be willing to help us get rid of the spider (and yes, they were all too scared to do it) I phoned my brother, described it to him, and fond out that it was most likely a Baboon spider which is not venomous. He suggested just patting it from behind with my hand, and letting it walk onto my other hand (yeah right!) and dropping it gently out the window onto a branch.

I got a long ruler, and a big piece of cardboard (hands - I don't think so), and as I was about to do "le manoeuvre", the cleaning lady jostled me out of the way, and hit it with a brush into a bucket of warm water, and threw it and the water out of the window.

Oh well.

Now for the crux of the matter… You may have read in a previous post that my middle brother (the one who I phoned in this piece) used to keep Baboon Spiders as pets. I do remember that we used to hold them and play with them. I was a lot younger then, and I guess what they say about the young having no fear is true, because I was scared today. Scared the spider would run up my arm and onto my head, scared it would bite me, scared it would be sore, scared of I don’t even know what. The point is, there was a time when I would not have thought twice about doing it. The proof of this is below in my oldest brother’s email response.Names and email addresses have been erased to protect my anonymity.

------------
You're such a poofter. I recall a time when you and xxx were holding the tarantulas. I had to do it too, cause face was at stake.
xxx

Benefits of an office...

25 Sept 2006

I figured out today that I don't have a sore back, and that I an not walking hunched over on the left side.I realised it is because I have been leaving my piles of books and papers in the office.You may think this is a normal thing to do, but when you work from the client, and a different client site every day, you get to carry all your crap with you.

Now, let's be realistic. We are supposed to be working in a paperless office environment. Ha ha. Don't even get me started on that. You have to print stuff out so that the bosses can read it, proof it, change it, sign it, and then copy it.I do scan most of my stuff, but all client documents and boss documents must be paper-based. I end up carrying at least 10 kilograms of paper with me every day in my work bag, along with my laptop. I eventually invested in a backpack type so that the weight would be evenly distributed over both shoulders, but I never use it that way. I end up carrying it all on my right shoulder, and this has caused me to walk funny.

Perhaps I always did, but it also give me backache.I didn't realise how bad it was until we got an office two weeks ago. I now officially have a place to put my stuff overnight, and leave my things on a desk where I know they will be safe until I return the next day (if I know that I am not going to the client first thing in the morning).Usually, we worked on the premise of hot desks - which is a good method, except if you have multiple documents that need to be filed and stored for legal purposes. My boot (trunk for the Americans) is full of client approvals, sign-off documents, and such. It would be a helluva thing if my car was ever stolen.

But now, we have an office, and I can store the stuff there.It is also a good thing because I can leave my heavy files and papers there overnight, just bringing my laptop home every day.

My back thanks the powers that be, and I thank them too. I am sure that the auditors will too if and when they need to see all project documentation.Who knows, maybe we will get a printer on the same floor that is not half a day's walk away, but i am not holding my breath...Woohoo!

Stop and throw the roses... at the passers by

My car broke down in rush hour traffic this evening. Damn annoying. However, it was at a stop street, so things could have been worse. At least I was not in the middle of the intersection.

The gradient of the road was quite steep, so there was no chance of me pushing the car to the side on my own, and i think i can't have been flashing enough leg because it took ages for anyone to stop and help me.

I put my hazard lights on, and phoned for help, but in the 20 minutes that I waited, I observed the following - I think you will it as interesting as I did.

At least 120 cars drove past me.
2 stopped and offered help.
5 hooted at me in annoyance as if I was doing something wrong.
5 flashed lights at me from behind in annoyance as if I was doing something wrong.
3 cars (ladies I must admit) stopped behind me and waited for me to go, realising about 3 minutes later that I had my hazard lights on...)
7 cars from across the intersection who were turning flashed lights at me to indicate that I could go in front of them (I guess they could not see my hazards either!!)
Lastly, significantly less than half of the cars from behind me noticed more than 2 - 3 meters away that I had my hazard lights on and changed lanes before they were so close they had to wait before they could.And I forgot to mention the best bit - A police Car drove past me too.

I get stopped all the time and have to show my license, but when I need help, they don't stop me.

SIGH.

This is an extraordinary comment on how we drive.

Not always what you think...

Okay, another joke, but this was funny enough to post.

Bob wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Bob sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bob asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!"

THe philosophy of hte Open Hand...

Have you ever heard that you can trap a monkey with a closed cage and a piece of fruit? The illustration is somewhat over-simplified, but perfectly illustrates the philosophy of the Philosophy of the Open Hand. Let me explain. If you put a delicious piece of fruit, such a banana, or a melon inside a cage with bars just wide enough for a monkey to slip his hand between to reach the fruit, he will grab it, and try to get it out. However, he will not be able to, as he will not let the fruit go to get his hand out of the cage. Thus, he finds himself on the horns of a dilemma. If he lets go, he does not have the fruit, but if he does not let go, cannot be free. Poor little monkey, torn between freedom and greed. Perhaps another illustration from another angle will help to make the point.

Consider that your life is like a glass filled with water. The glass represents your ability to give, receive, and hold "stuff" (money, love, ideas, time, kind words, and so on), and the water is the "stuff" you have. Of course, the bigger the glass, the more you can hold, but essentially, all humans have a similar-sized glass. (Bitterness can cause your glass to crack and break, but that is another post for another time).

Now, every person is born empty, and every person is taught (to a greater or lesser degree) by their families / environment / surroundings / friends / etc how to give and receive "stuff", and some are better at this process than others. Some seem to have an innate ability to do this, while for others it seems to be more difficult.

While some people also have a gift to make "stuff", there is a caveat. You can only receive "stuff" if there is space in your glass, and you can only make space in your glass if you empty your glass. Guess what? You can only empty your glass by giving "stuff" away to others.

It is really very simple. You can only have someone pour something into your glass if it has space, and there will only be space if you have poured some of your own out into someone else's - by giving something away. Here is my challenge to Blogville: Catch someone doing something right today, not only in Blogville, but in RL too. See what a difference smiling at someone can make. Seems silly, but it's true. Another side effect is that you may even feel better about yourself...

Think Bike

There is an ever-increasing number of bikes on our roads, and I have started noticing that the cars are becoming more and more tolerant (or perhaps just aware) of them. Despite the few drivers (women, I must admit) who don’t see them, and can tend to change lanes directly in front of them causing them to pull front wheelies and make all kinds of hand signs at the drivers; the four wheel drivers on the whole are learning to share the road with their two wheel counter-parts.

I have noticed that bikes have the best of all worlds. If the traffic is backed up, bikes can wriggle their way through the lanes and keep moving through the gaps where the cars cannot. Bikes can park in much smaller spaces than cars; bikes can go from zero to ridiculous in like 2 seconds, where most cars cannot; bikes use much less fuel – and let’s face it, it is not getting any cheaper! Bikes are somehow more mobile than cars, and seem to have a whole culture surrounding them. Bikes represent a whole other world to me – a freedom, an ideal, - a nebulous concept I cannot define in words. Something to do with speed, the open road, just you and your wits against everything else (including cars who don’t always see you), an element of danger I guess.

Have you ever owned a bike? Do you currently? Do you wanna?

I may be getting one soon, watch this space...

Hollywood White?

My friend is considering paying over four grand to have her teeth Zoom whitened. I don’t think she needs it, but I guess it’s not up to me. It is the code of the old West – a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do (or woman in this case). I read somewhere that your teeth will never (naturally) be whiter than the whites of your eyes.But surely there is a better way to get whiter teeth than paying so much?

Until a few years ago, toothbrushes were like computer keyboards – there was only really one basic model. Then all of a sardine, there were many different types – with an indicator to let you know when to change it; mixing bristle types on the same brush to maximise the gum massaging and plaque reaching ability of the brush; battery-powered toothbrushes with tiny round heads that were supposed to be the answer to the answer to the world’s teeth cleaning problems, and most recently, there are two types in particular that have caught my eye.

There is the Aquafresh 3-Way Head system which “adapts to the contours of your teeth to effectively remove plaque by reaching along the gum line 5X better* (the * says laboratory testing versus standard flat trim brush)”. Audience: Oooooooh.Then there is the other new Colgate brush (don’t have the advert in front of me) which has sonic pulses - supposed to loosen the plaque and provide a better all round cleaning. This brush takes one AAA battery, and indicator bristles.Both of these brushes seem to work very well, and I am sure that if used morning and evening, as prescribed by most dentists, you should not have any problems with your teeth.

Here are some tips I came across (translation – lifted from some mag) to keep your teeth white:
>rinse your mouth out with water half an hour after eating anything with a high sugar content
>Sugar content can strip enamel from your teeth – cut down on fruit juice and fizzy drinks, or drink them with a straw
>Red wine and coffee leave behind microscopic residues that cannot be easily brushed away, and can stain your teeth
>Brush your twice at least twice a day, and floss once a day to ensure that you keep your teeth clean and free from plaque build-up

The Lady of hte house...

11 Aug 2006

Lady Ashford

That is the name of my cat, and always requires some explanation. I got her from the SPCA, and she was THE most scruffy-looking, the thinnest, the saddest, and most pathetic looking cat they had. But she was also the most beautiful, in her own way. She is a tortoise shell in her colouring, and has pale green eyes. She has a very soft purr, and talks a lot. All in all, a splendid specimen of a cat.

But, when I first got her, she looked to wretched and thin, that I could not help but adopt her. I looked at all the cats in the cages, and considered carefully which I was going to bring home to love. I wanted a kitten, but they had none. Then I saw her. She seemed to be what I would imagine your typical battered and abandoned cat to be – hungry, unkempt, and scruffy. So far from royalty that I decided she needed a regal name. Little did I know that she obviously owned a house and people before. In a very short period of time, with constant love, brushing, and good food, she had become the very picture of health and beauty. Only problem was, she went from 2 kilograms to 5 and a half within a few months. Now she can hardly fit through the cat door LOL.

I have spoken to my neighbours and asked them not to feed her, but they do. I know this because I have her on diet food, but she is still as fat as ever. She is not unhealthily fat as I can still feel her ribs, and she can jump, and run, and climbs my tree right to the top to catch birds (which she gives to me as presents!), so she is not house-bound at all.

They say people who have animals tend to be less stressed than those who don’t. I think that is true, and the amount of laughter she brings into the house is great. For as small as she is, she can take up the whole couch, and will often not leave space for me to sit. If I move her, she will express her disdain at being disturbed.

She also spends hours in the garden chasing the other cats away, and grovelling in the sand. Once I saw her almost red all over from the red sand in one corner of the garden. But she always takes time to groom herself and her white patches are as clean as ever when she has finished.

Guess she really is a lady after all.

Traffic Circles and 4-way stops...

Traffic Circles.

They really aren’t that difficult. Think about it.

There is only one rule – give way to people already in the circle. In South Africa, this means people on the right. It is a very simple thing. In others words, you have to be really stupid to get it wrong, and yet, I am ranting on a blog about it. Go figure…There isn’t a time when it is difficult to figure out who goes, because even if you both get to the intersection at the same time, if you both go at the same time, there won’t be a problem. You should both be able to keep going and not cause a delay of any sort. Theroretically, anyway. If there are already people in the circle, then they have the right of way. I still don’t understand how this concept is difficult.

What am I missing?

Then there are the four-way stops. Again, this should be a very simple concept. Whoever stops first, leaves first. Don’t even get me started on those people who wait for the person opposite them to go before they go, causing the people to the left or right to have to wait longer than necessary? Guess what, you can actually go at the same time as the person opposite you if you are going in the opposite direction… These people foul up the entire traffic flow, potentially doubling commuting time for people like me. I spend at least3 hours a day going to and from work. I hate these people. I find them slow (in both senses of the word) and selfish. Or what about those people who wave you on when it is your right of way simply because you have not completed coming to a complete stop? If I had a Peacemaker like Judge Dredd I believe I would incinerate such people just for being a public nuisance.

Men vs. Women Drivers

9 aug 2006

So I hate to admit it, but on the whole, I do believe that men are better drivers than women.

There are several reasons, but the top two have to be because women are too damn cautious, and men at least take the gap.

Case in point: We are all in a long line, waiting for the traffic light to change, and there are cars trying to get into the line from the right hand side - for those who don't know which side we drive on - that means they have to cross the oncoming traffic. In other words, they have to pay attention to two lanes of traffic - one being my lane to see when there is a gap to get into, and the other is to see when there is a gap to cross into the gap that is left for them.For women this appears to be an impossible task.

If you leave half a car length for a man, he will understand that you are letting him in because he is watching the cars and the drivers, as well as the oncoming traffic for gaps. At the slightest sign of a gap, he takes it, whether ot not you meant to give it to him. I decided to let a lady in who had been sitting there since I had been 100 meters up the road, so maybe 15 minutes...I looked at her to let her know I was letting her in, then I left her at least a whole car length on front of me. So when the car in front of me moved, there was PLENTY of space. This is when she only STARTED looking at the oncoming traffic... WTF?

There was oncoming traffic, perhaps 200 meters away, she waits. So I go. So she decided to go, nearly taking out the side of my car...A man would never do that.I rest my case.

See my post tomorrow for stupid behaviour at traffic circle or roundabouts (or whatever you call them in your neck of the woods).Of course, there are always exceptions, but in this case, the generalisation appears to be true.

Random alcohol tests...

9 Aug 2006

My company has various clients, and one of the clients I work for at the moment is a large mining company. As part of the safety procedures (which are truly impressive, and zero tolerance is the name of the game).

At each mine site, there are very strict procedures that each person has to follow, and failure to adhere to every rule, no matter how small the infringement may seem is viewed in a very serious light, and may lead to disciplinary procedures, and even job loss.

One of the procedures that has been introduced at the Head Office is the random alcohol testing. The rule is that if you have been out to lunch and had any alcohol at lunch, you were not allowed back onto the premises, under ANY circumstances, for ANY reason, whatsoever.

A few months ago, they introduced a system whereby at random times throughout the day - sometimes starting first thing, often after lunch, and so on - where you would have to put your hand into a box and pull out a ball. If you drew a white one, you could go. If you drew the orange ball, you had to go into the room on the side, and blow into a breathalyser thingy to test your alcohol level. If it registered above a certain level, they would wait 10 minutes, and do it again. If it registered again, then it was grounds an immediate disciplinary hearing.

This is all good stuff, and goes to prove the company's commitment to zero harm, etc, however, there is one thing that disturbs me.

I have seen with my own eyes, how the executives refuse to take part in the random testing, how they are rude to the security guards, and how they cause unhappiness for those who are then caught.

I think it is a poor show, and I got into trouble for speaking up. Because I am not an employee, I have no right to speak in the same ways as the employees, but feel just as strongly as they do. It is either for everyone, or for no one. Surely, safety is safety, and that should include everyone.

Pepole who refuse to submit to this random test do a number of things:
>They make the guards seem ineffective, and that embarrasses them,
>They make the others not want to take the test,
>They make those who are busted not feel like the system is fair
>They bring the company and its systems into disrepute
>They cause dissention in the ranks, and spread rebellionI believe that this is something that should be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand.If you were in my position, what would you do?

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk

Not an original post, but really funny

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d)Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

What is the correct protocol for buying drinks at a first meeting?

20 June 2006

I just got back from a first meeting, (If he ever speaks to me again I will let you know what I thought, although I will was so shy and nervous I suspect he thought I was not into the meeting...), and on the way home I realised that I did not offer to pay for my drinks, or even a round at any stage. Nor for the snacks we ate. Surely this is very bad manners, not to mention some breach of protocol?

What should I have done?
Thanks...

I should have offered to buy a round of drinks...
I should have offered to pay for the snacks...
I should have offered to pay for half of the bill...
I should not worry; he would have asked if he wanted you to pay...
It's okay, at a first meeting; it is usual for the man to but the drinks...
You silly woman, at a first meeting, it is usual for the woman to buy the drinks...
Don't worry, it depends on the situation, and it was probably OK...
Next time, you can buy the drinks...
You suck - he will never want to see you again... Ha ha - you worry too much...

You dunno what you’ve got till it’s gone

This is also true if you don’t know what you don’t have till you have something better. It was my birthday on Friday, and I got a new TV. WOOHOO!

I had a crappy, old, tiny, flickering, faded colour picture that went kinda skew. It also did not have a remote, and used to lose its stations sometimes. It also didn’t have the ability to have a DVD plugged into it.

But now I have a full colour, singing, dancing, multi media.

Thanks guys – you don’t understand how much it means to me…

The sleep of the dead

I can always tell when I am depressed, because I can’t get to sleep, and then when I am asleep, I cannot wake up. I seem to suffer from some sort of insomnia.

Last week, on Thursday, I woke up at 8:30am. Now, aside from the fact that I should have been at work long before that, the thing I wish to point out is that instead of leaving my home nay time between 6:45 and 7:45am (which then takes me at least one and a half hours to my client’s office in Joburg city centre) I left at 9:00, and drove into the parking garage at 9:26.

F*ck I hate the traffic.

I'f I am a clown, then he's a pirate...

I drove in to work yesterday next to a pirate.

Yes, an actual pirate.

I say that with hesitation, because I don't know what lobby group is going to pounce on me and claim a swiz, or get me to retract my statement stating unfair treatment of a minority, yadda yadda yadda.

Well, all I can say to that is if I am a clown, then he is a pirate.

I can juggle three balls like a clown (it is really the only useful thing I learned at my first job, aside from being able to touch type), and I was waiting for a lift on the sidewalk, juggling to hone my skills, when a mother and daughter walked past. The little girl said loudly (as only children can, in such an un-self-conscious way) "look Mom, a clown!”

So, there he was, a man who at first glance just looked to have the WORST pudding bowl hair cut in the history of the world, which luckily (for him and the girls he will date, cos now they don't have to say anything) turned out to be the elastic band of his eye patch.

I always thought people with one eye had little or no depth perception? I guess not, if he can drive a car.

But then, with the driving in this country, he would probably still be among the best drivers on the road...

The Hadedas are coming, the Hadedas are coming

Today as I was driving home, I saw a crow on the road, and I immediately thought of that Gary Larson cartoon that show the “secret tools of crows” and shows them using ketchup for the road kill that is already a bit too stinky and needs a little help in the flavour department. I love Gary Larson. I think he is one of the unrecognised geniuses (or should that be genii??) of our time. Him, and the creator of Calvin and Hobbs, but I digress…

Then I got to remembering the pet crow we once had. He looked very similar, also a pied crow, alike in height, and markings. The crow we had came to us when he was very little, and was the cutest thing you have ever seen.

Like all small children do, my brother have him a truly unique name: “Crow”. He used to come to my brother when he called him, and would say his name a lot. Some days I still think my brother is really an animal whisperer…

We had to feed him three times a day, and make sure that his cage was clean. This, at any rate was not a problem. Baby crows are born with some collective knowledge - somehow knowing that they should aim and squirt any bodily functions OUTSIDE the cage as far as possible. I am not joking.

As I remember, my Mother was away during that period, and my Dad just put sheets over everything in the room and closed the door. I guess he figured that we could clean it all up at the end… You cannot believe the mess it made.

We used to teach the crow to talk to us, and always called it for food by saying “meeeeeat, meeeeeeat”. Not unexpectedly, it used to say “meeat” when it was hungry. Ha ha.

Did you know that crows are like magpies? They will steal anything shiny that you leave lying around, such as your watch, or earrings, or necklace that you take off and leave on the ground by your towel when you go swimming… Our crow had several hidey holes that we used to have to hunt for to reclaim our treasure. For years after the crow went to the big hunting ground in the sky, we used to find lost items. There may be some still hiding…

There are no crows directly near where I live, but unfortunately I have heard one or two Hadedas… One of the things I was glad about when moving into the neighbourhood, was that despite a large variety of wildlife and birdlife, there were ABSOLUTELY NO HADEDAS. Now the silly beggars wake me up at stupid o’clock. And where there is one, more always follow…

Are there humane ways to encourage them to go elsewhere? Anyone? …

Blue screen of death!!!!

So, my mother describes me as working in IT, and in fact, I used to be an IT consultant, but that area is so wide that I don’t mind admitting that I am fairly clueless when my computer decides to do whatever it wants, and I can’t fix it…

It is damn frustrating, because there are many computer-related issues that I can fix on my own, but there area many things I cannot. For the last month or so, I have noticed a steady decline in the reliability of my machine, and I know all about the bathtub curve. I know that my machine has done sterling service, and in terms of technology half-life – it has done more than its share of work. It has served me very well for more than 5 years, and I will be very sad to say goodbye to it. You know what it’s like – you get used to where the keys are, and all laptop keyboards have slightly different positioning for the Enter key, the backslash key, and the backspace key, so I am not looking forward to the change. But, change is mostly good, so perhaps it is time for my laptop to go home to all the other laptops in the sky where it will be able to rest…

First, though, I will try reformatting the hard drive, and reloading all my stuff, but in my experience, one you start getting disk errors, the game is over. If you see me online, then yo know I succeeded. If not, then it is me – zero, technology – bazillions.

If only I did not spend all that money I saved on new tyres for my car… What a difficult choice to make for a girl to make – safety on the road, or being able to chat with her friends…

:)

Timing is everything

So I went to Centurion yesterday evening to meet a friend for a movie, and I have noticed that EVERY SINGLE FREAKING traffic light catches you on red, no matter how fast or slow you drive, or whether your turn or go straight. Is this a new diabolical plan to curb road rage or increase it? F*************************CK!

Catch a wake up guys – DON”T DO THAT.

When the law is behind technology, and the idiots are in front

The other day, on my way to work, I was stuck behind a man who was driving like, well, a woman. I hesitate to say it – but in my experience, this is one generalisation that holds true. Most women drive like idiots because they are too cautious, drive too defensively, and therefore, cause the free flow of traffic to be interrupted. More on this later…

Anyway, the guy in front of me was driving at 90 in the fast lane, but there were trucks in the two slow lanes doing like 70 and 50 respectively, so there was nowhere else to go. To make matters worse, the guy had a free-flow exhaust, a retrofitted tail fin, the fattest takkies you have ever seen (possibly too fat for the turning circle on the car) and I could see a TV screen on his dashboard. Needless to say – he was watching something. But wait – that’s not all. He was also on his cell phone. WTF?

I heard on the radio last month that although mobile DVD players and TVs in cars are not illegal yet, (because there has never been a need for such a law…) they are looking at bringing in such a law. So this menace in front of me, causing a backlog of traffic back for two turn-offs, was in fact only committing one illegal act – one which carries only a R500 fine. And two crimes of stupidity. I think it may be time to pour more chlorine into the gene pool.

Too bad the cops we drove past were not interested in doing anything about it…

Is Riaan Cruywagen an Android?

Those of you who are older than 12 will remember that television has not always been around in this country. In fact, I can still remember when we got ours. 1976 I think was the year. It was very exciting. We used to watch the test pattern. It had groovy colours and everything. It didn’t do anything except have colours so you could tune your TV. It didn’t move, and it didn’t change. But it was exciting none the less.

Then there were the programmes. More about that later. But there was one news reader in particular who read the news then who is still reading the news now. Riaan Cruywagen. And if you see the snippets they show occasionally of how things have changed since then, you will see that he looks EXACTLY the same.

Now rumour has it that he suffered from cancer, and everyone knows he wears a rug, so that takes care of the hair. But what about the skin colour and lack of wrinkles? And have you ever watched him speak? I had to study news readers for my singing course – to see how frugal they are with facial movement (good vocal technique comes from the tongue and back of the throat or something…) and if you watch him he does not move a muscle except his lips. Not his shoulders, not his mouth, not his cheeks, not his anything. Other news readers are never as good as that.

Let’s look at this from a scientific perspective:

Fact 1: the man has not aged in 30 years. His skin tone has not changed, his colouring has not changed, and his hair has not changed
Fact 2: the man does not waste any superfluous movement in his face when he talks – almost as if he can’t help not doing it…
Fact 3 the man pronounces every single word correctly. No human could have 100% error free speech for that long…
Fact 4: the man never gets rattled, and I have never seen him make a mistake
Fact 5: the man’s skin colouring looks exactly like Commander Data from Star Trek. Coincidence? If they cannot get a correct human pallor even in the 24th century, how can we be expected to do it now in the 21st?
Fact 6: the man’s eyes don’t change when he smiles, and he does smile…

Individually, these facts are suggestive. Taken together, I submit that they are conclusive, and must be correct.

I could be wrong, but I was only wrong once before - I thought I was wrong…

WTF

Okay, so there is an even BIGGER guy out there now. The other evening the Undertaker and Marc Henry were gong at it - two of the WWE's largest and most agressively brilliant wrestlers without being OTT like Kane (who I personally think is just a psycho [and it is probably just marketed that way,,,]) when another hulking brute of a man walked in and stepped over the top rope as if it were just a tiny ostacle.

Now, Taker must be 6 foot 7, (no, I am not obsessed to the point where I know the EXACT stats of each wrestler), but he must be one of, if not THE tallest man around, and this new-comer towered over him. Taker came up to just under his nose.

!!!!!

And he did not look like a freak either. He looked a bit like the character Jaws from the James Bond movies, but without the bling in his mouth. With one overhand chop he knocked the Undertaker down. It was extraordinary.

I still don't know who he was - the announcers didn't say. I guess it is time to watch the next installment. And you say it isn't a soapie...

Sad sad day

Well – I watched with anticipation to see the Champ return – Yup – John Cena beat Triple H at Wrestle Mania 22, retaining his title. As he stepped out into the ring at Chicago to be welcomed by his fans roaring at his success, he asked them to turn his music off so he could bask in the chants and screams of his adoring fans praising him.

Okay – he deserved that. Maybe.

Then he went a little overboard. He started with a speech in which he started talking about what it means to be the champ, and basically that it means that you have to step up to each challenge and represent the best of the WWE at all times, blah blah, and that you may not always feel your best but you have to be ready etc. Then as he was still speaking, Triple H’s logo and music came on, and he strutted down into the ring with the ring with John Cena.

Then followed a lot of the usual posturing with Triple H saying that he wanted a rematch, and that the only reason Cena beat him was because he made the same mistake everyone else was beaten by him - that he had underestimated him, but that he wanted a rematch… and then something even more exciting happened. Edge and Lita also came down. The Rated R Superstar started shooting his mouth off at Hunter – saying that if anyone should get a chance at the title it was him (Edge) and not the self-promoting Triple H. In fact, he went so far as to say that he should get to the back of the line and let the next guy step up and take the shot. Of course – Lita, whose boobs never quite seem to stay in her tops (no matter what she wears), was just standing there supporting her man, nodding sagely, and looking for another opportunity to shake her pretty little pony tail in agreement. But then, the pawpaw really hit the fan.

Triple H and Edge decided to team up against Cena in a handicap match for the title. Now a smart man would have run away, but I guess Cena is either not too bright, or just too damn proud, because instead of walking away, he took the match. And consequently, he lost. Bye bye title, and bye bye WWE belt.

I guess he can get it back, but knowing Vince McMahon, that aint gonna happen any time soon. I think that both HBK and Cena are in the dog box now, and are going to learn the real meaning of pain.

And you were my hero. Why did you go and do such a stupid thing? In the words of the commentators – this was a cheque your body could not cash.

I guess the Champ is no longer here, and this time, we really can’t see you.

The Legend Killer versus Rey Mysterio

Hey Randy – you keep on about how you beat Rey. Guess what. You only just beat him each time, and it takes at least 20 minutes. Plus, you have a significant weight advantage over him. You weigh like 245 pounds, and he weighs like 165 pounds.

Have you figured it out yet? With one or two more pounds, he would seriously stopm your @ss into the ground!

You may have been the youngest World heavyweight champion in the world, but that was for about 5 minutes. Seriously. Go away. You need someone to slap some sense into you. That or just lose the attitude. People used to be behind you, now they snigger behind you. Don’t you get it?

Wrestle Mania 22

I was thinking about John Cena and Dave Batista, and the Game – Triple H.

Compare them physically, and you will see what I mean when I say that John and Dave are the best proportioned of the wrestlers (yes, I am leaving out a few that could be in there, but they are too arrogant and frankly not quite as beautiful – their muscle shapes are not as well proportioned IN MY OPINION).

Batista has a lot more muscle mass, and is clearly much bigger that John, John looks much more normal, and could almost pass as a person who does not pump iron, if you caught a quick glimpse of him.

The Game, on the other hand, is a big blob in comparison. His head kind of slopes into his shoulders and down pinching in at the top of his brookies which make him look fat. Now, they are not fat – I know this. They probably have less body fat than a block of ice, but Triple H LOOKS FAT because he is not as defined. Perhaps he was once, I don’t know.

And herein lies the ultimate test. I remember once my Dad told me a story about Sumo wrestlers, and we watched a match where an older Sumo who had the weight advantage by at least half lost to a younger Sumo who was new school. My Dad told me that it was because they new philosophy was that weight was no longer the thing, but training and strength in the right places, (or something like that) was the thing – thus the age old Japanese philosophy of new things versus old, where old doesn’t always win was shown again.

I believe within myself, and not only because I think that John Cena is a better wrestler, but because it is time for a change of guard, that WM22 will show the new philosophy of new beating old. Cena beating the Game will hold true.

That is unless they have already decided on the winner, and certain contractual obligations will supersede any crowd demands, and the Game will have to win this time.

What a pity that would be.

2006 WWE Hall of Fame Inductees

Last night when I was writing this article, (actually at 3am this morning after shots were fired in my neighbourhood and I could not go back to sleep) it sounded a lot better – as things tend to. But I am going to post it anyway, since I am giving myself permission to have fun more – yes – thanks to Doctor Phil, but that is another story for another time…

On Sunday evening, the WWE announcers were doing their thing, as ever, and this time it was highlights about the 2006 Hall of Fame Inductees. Of course, first on the list was Eddie Guerrero, and then they showed a highlight reel showing scenes from his career.

Being a relatively new fan to the sport – there were several tings I did not know about this super star, and as always, you have to wonder what the criteria are for selecting the Hall of Famers.

For example, would he have been selected so soon if he had not died? Would he have been selected at all? Would he have been selected if he were not such a crowd favourite? Would he have been selected if he were not from “the first family of wrestling in Mexico”? (Does that mean first as in presidential?). Would he have been chosen if he had taken away Rey’s (or was it really his?) son?

Who knows? I certainly don’t. All I know is that he has had a tremendous wrestling career, and was a charismatic man who knew how to play to the crowd. His tag line (if you will) was lyin’ cheatin’ stealin’, and was known as Latino Heat. He was the loosest man (and no Vince – you don’t count – you just look stupid when you strut, like you have a carrot up your bum and the rest of you is put together with pins) who lived and would almost dance in the ring when was in the spotlight. Hi lived with true Latino passion, and lived out there for all to see – with his triumphs and tribulations.

It was clear that he loved his family (whatever else he did or did not do to and with them), and equally, his friends. It was clear from the highlight reel that he did have genuine friends, and is genuinely missed in his fraternity.

I think that if Vince did have anything to do with this decision, it is the first good one he has ever made.

okay, it's wrestling again...

yestery, I was watching the wresting. (Surprise, surprise). And I was the World Champion (John Cena, of course) list the Big Show (no small man at 500 pounds) over his head and slam him down giving him the advangtage, allowing him to pin him and win the match. According to the conversion tool on my cell phone that is a staggering 226 kilograms. That is amazing if you actually think about it. I do realise that John is a big man himself, and probably weighs 220, 230 pounds himself, but even so, that is staggering. He picked him up as if he weighed nothing. No veins popped out on his neck or anything. I am in awe of him. He is indeed worthy of holding on to his title.

Now normally, these types of matches are won by other means - cheating, trickery, kicking in rude places, but if you watch wrestling, you will know that John Cena is one of the good guys, and never stoops to doing anything of that sort. He is truly worthy of his followers, children and adults alike - the Chain Gang as they are known, and he is also (like Batista) one of the best proportioned wrestlers, looking normal, and therefore deceptively human. Perhaps this is why it was such a feat of superhuman strength when he picked up the Big Show and slammed him down, showing his mastery of the ring once again.

I know it surprised the commentators, but then - it really is an act, and all a show, but watching from the ramp was the Game (who used to be THE man, but has questionable ethics and moral values, and is known for cheating and double-teaming), and even he was visibly surprised and was clearly mouthing words which showed his surprise. Then what followed was the typical alpha male behaviour of "you and me at WrestleMania" crap etc, but we all know who will win.

Go John Go.

The Chain Gang will there to support you, and unless there is cheating, and sledge hammers hidden under the ring by the Game, you WILL win.

There are still heros out there for children to look up to, and I am glad. I just hope he does not do drugs on the sly...

when it's time, it's time

I joined a gym programme recently that allows me to have access to an eCoach - which basically means a guy phones me once a week to crap on me for not going to gym. He also works out a gym programme for me based on the info i enter into the system at the gym, and it works quite well so far.

Here's the interesting part - in our conversations over the last three or four weeks, he has picked up that there is a problem with my motivation, and he says that it seems like I am very stressed at work. (No prizes yet) He also says (and this is where it gets interesting,) that it seems like I am not very happy at work.

Now, I have not been indiscrete at all about work to him. To others, yes absolutely, but not to him. What I have said is that I have not had time to go to gym because I have not had the time or the inclination, and that even though I am stressed at work (which is perhaps all hte more reason to go to gym) I have not been. I have not been working long hours really, but have not made the time to go, but will do so.

That is about the sum of it.

He is either psychic or, just very intuitive, but this morning we had a long discussion around needing to be happy where you are, and he said that he felt I was not happy at work and that I needed to make a choice to speak up and make a change, or look elsewhere. He was very positive, and gave me a good pep talk about how to not be negative when talking to my boss or it may cause him to be defensive, but to rather tell him exactly how I feel and what I need, mentioning that if my boss was good he would understand and want a mutually beneficial relationtionship where we could both do well etc.

I am blown away. I did not realise how transparent i was being.

I guess I REALLY don't have a poker face - even on the phone.

Oh well, thanks Nceba, you have helped me realise that it really is time to decide for action NOW.

Even though I am depressed (and I can hear you sighing, but you can sigh all you want. I am where I am, and I need to walk my own path, and if depression is a lable I have - then so be it), I need to get up out of hte mire and move on.

Here's to next step. I just need help getting up...

Taxis and traffic

After a new resolution to not raise my blood pressure in the traffic every day, and not become a criminal by committing what the Americans call “vehicular manslaughter” by ramming cars off the road and killing the occupants, I shall simply confine myself to saying: “all taxis that push in should taken off the road, impounded, blown up, shattered into smithereens, ground into cement, and used to create children’s playthings”.

Then the drivers should be taken to a court of law where they should be re-educated on the rules of the road.

Once they have gone through training, they should be made to go through 1000 hours of simulated driving without committing one single traffic violation. After that, they should be made to serve another 1000 hours of community service helping the paramedics at accident scenes caused by other taxi drivers. Once they have done that, they should have to undergo another 1000 hours of simulated driving where they need to pass without committing any traffic offences.

Then, they should be made to pass a legal driving test, and then they may be allowed to drive.

Stupid F*ckers.

Who'da thunk it - Kurt Angle Zero to Hero in one move

In an unprecedented move, Kurt "you suck" Angle, often described as the "most technicallyl sound" wrestler of the WWE has become hte crowd favourite!

My flabber is ghasted.

In a bold move, the Phenom - that dead man that no-one can kill, not even the Legend Killer Randy Orton, told Kurt that he wanted the one thing that Kurt had - the WWE heavy weight title. Even Kurt looked a little scared, and for a cheating, mean, bully who breaks people's ankles for a living (okay, perhaps a little OTT), that is amazing.

But you must understand, Taker is 7 feet tall, and probably weighs 300 pounds. i am not sure of his stats, but he is a bloddy huge man. In fact, he makes Big Show look small, and when he fought Marc Henry - the "World's Largest Athlete" (which means in America) they looked like normal people standing next to each other.

Anyway, Taker had a match against Marc and when he was about to beat him, MNM came out and started cheating, as usual, double teaming him and cheating when the ref wasn't looking, giving Marc the advantage, when Kurt came running in and clobbered MNM, allowing Taker to finish off the trio and win the match.

Now, we all know that Kurt did thi to get back at MNM AND Marc (if you watch you will know the history), but it seems like a move that Batista would have made - saving the innocent and coming to the rescue of the rightful winner. The audience went mad with applause and Kurt - in an instant - became the hero.

I've never liked Kurt because I think he is mean, and does not give as much as hte other wrestlers, but in that moment, whoever writes the script and does the PR, made a monumentally right move. Somehow, it was just the right thing to shoot him from last place to first, even eclipsing the Undertaker who gave him back his title belt and continued to look truculent.

I still don't understand why people don't enjoy wrestling. It is SO much better than a soapie...

Telkom strikes again, again!

Well, my phone was fixed, for a few hours, then broke again. I asked my Mom to report it, because (surprise, surprise) I have no line with which to do that, and even though it is a free number, if you call from a mobile phone y ou are charged. Also, becauyse it is a free call (supposedly) you are on hold for at least 5 minutes.

Long story short, the lady to whom my Mother spoke was so brazen as to instruct my mother to tell me that I should upgrade my service to whatever the hell she was selling.

How rude!

Stupid Americans!

I was watching an Oprah show where a 911 widow – Kathy Trant was defending her spending the $5m she was given as part of her settlement for the victim’s fund. Apparently, there has been a huge outcry that she has spent her money which has come from the government and various charitable donations on redoing her house - $250 000 on her kitchen, $120 000 on the pool, sports centre thingy, brickwork, and fence in the back yard, and at least one million on designer shoes, handbags, and dresses.

More power to her I say. If that is how she grieves, then let her do whatever she wants. Surely EVEN the Americans cannot be so arrogant that they believe they can tell people how to spend money they give each other?

Anyway.

Listening to her speak, I began to realise again, and still more how I just don’t understand how this event has had such a powerful effect on the psyche of America. She kept on saying that 3000 people were “brutally murdered” that day, and that their country did not protect them, and that they don’t even have a memorial. Blah blah fishpaste.

What I can’t reconcile is that 1000s of people die in African countries every day. Blown up by landmines, killed in ethnic cleansing, and even in our own ugly past, as South Africans…

And what about the Nazi holocaust? There are still people who refuse to believe it happened. What about the tens of thousands pf people who died there? What about the mass graves they have just found in Ethiopia? What about the Tsunami, and the flooding in the south of America? What about their own victims there?

But of course, this 911 crisis, (5 years later!) is still the main story on the lips of several Americans.

Maybe I am being mean and un-empathetic, but I fail to see why the Americans are so special that they are the only ones in the whole world that ever lost a husband / brother / father / mother / sister / daughter; and Oh woe is my, I will never be able to get over losing a loved one, and the rest of the world must somehow allow them to wallow in pity and grief.

I have never been a fan of America, and am even less of one now.

Uncle Sam wants YOU to take some responsibility for yourself you stupid rednecks! Get over it, get on with it, and leave everyone else alone.

And stop using 911 as an excuse to bully everyone. Learn from out history. Making something a law doesn’t make it right.

Telkom strikes again!

So my landline was not working on Saturday, and I tried to report it as a faulty line, but when I called the offices, the woman I spoke to said she could not report it as they had a fault on their line, and their system was down.

Ha ha.

But I should call again later and report it. Yeah, right.

I tried again a few hours later - still no joy, but at least this time the person took my name.

I called again this morning (2 days later) and spoke to a man whose name I shall not place here in order to protect his identity. I said to him "Hi, I would like to report my phone - the line seems to be faulty - it is not working".

He said "what is wrong with it?" Okay, now either he is not listening, or he is just trying to annoy me. All I know is that the phone is not working. I explaind that again using small words, speaking slowly and without getting annoyed, although by this time I was already irritated.

Then, the next thing he does is try to sell me additional services. I am not even joking.

I politely told him I was not interested, and just asked him when he thought technicians would be ale to fix my line. He replied I had to test it with at least two phones or he could not send someone out because then they could not be sure if it was the phone or the instrument. I explained that I had tried with my computer and modem to dial and it was not working. He said I had to test it with two instruments. I tried to explain that I had done that. AFter about 10 minutes of arguing, he said they would charge me for a call out if the line was not faulty and they came anyway (by this time - I don't care if they take my first born...) so I anwer - that's fine mumble mumble.

He says please will I wait while he tests the line...

"Yes, Miss Goodwin", (clearly cannot read too well either) there is definatly a fault on your line (so why the *^%^&$ can't he do this before arguing with me causing my blood pressure to go up?). Is there permanentmy someone at your home?"

Long story short, due to the rain and whatever else, (probably also the fact that I gave him attitude)my name is on a list (maybe at the bottom for a few days, sigh) and someone will call me when they are ready to help me.

I bet that in a few weeks, a man will call from my house and ask where I am. I did clearly state that I am at work and they need to let me know when I must go home to wait for them, but they never do.

Watch this space.

Cars, anyone?

Yesterday was a good day to steal cars. Apparently. That is, if you had a Tracker fitted that used the Vodacom network to track the vehicle.

Of course, I don’t know if this is true, but I received a message yesterday saying that my tracker self test had failed and that I needed to call the office and report the fact. Being a geek, I did. They told me that I needed to wait another 72 hours so they could do an air test, but not to worry as last nigh all the self-tests failed as there was a problem on the network.

Not sure if they should have told me that. Or that they should have told me that it can be a problem if there is a problem with the network. Hmmmm.

Oh well, luckily, I won’t try blow up the network and steal cars. Or would I?

Manners? what the hell are those?

I have decided that I am now officially old. I can remember a time when Chappies Bubblegum was half a cent for one. Now they are 25 cents for one. Talk about inflation. Et cetera.

But what about manners?

I know that no family actually sits down at a dinner table anymore for a family meal to talk about their day, or eats with silver cutlery. Never mind using more than one knife and fork for starters, fish, and desert... What? Mommy, this knife is broken. It is a strange shape. And why is this fork more like a spoon? People now days don't recognise different cutlery or even know what it is used for. And what about standing back at doors or giving up seats for old people?

I have realised that manners have gone the way of the Dodo. That is to say - they are not only dead, but extinct with absolutely NO CHANCE of coming back. Not even with heroic measures and gene therapy, or finding little blobs of it left in amber and creating islands where it can mutate.

Manners are gone. If I hold a door for people they not only strean through and ignore me, but hordes of others stream through after them. I have now taken to proclaiming in a loud voice "it is a pleasure", followed by a sotto vocce "you ignorant plebs" or (depending on my mood) something that would require an age restiction. And doors are not the only place this happens. In supermarkets, if you stand back for people in the aisles, they will push their trolleys in front of you and stand there blocking your view of the produce, and then proceed to look at their lists, talk on the phone, pick their noses, or do just about anything else they can think of to be annoying.

I don't know if people are rude or just stupid. Juding by the way they drive out of hte parking lot, I'd say the latter, but that is another story for another time.

Here's to the few gentlemen there are left - that hold the doors for me, and are surprised when I thank them. You are my heros. If you weren't married, I'd ask you myself.

million-dollar body - five cent brain -- supported by Deloitte!

Okay - I admit it. I am a big fan of wrestling. Huge. Not that local crap either, but the real thing - the WWE RAW, Smackdown, and Velocity, although until the draft lottery last year, my all time fav was RAW.

My best characters (and yes - they are characters, because it is NOT real) are John Cena, Dave "the animal" Batista, and Chris "toothless agression" Benoit. There are a few others, but these three are my all-time best. They are the "gentlemen" of hte sport - if there are such things in that game.

A few notable events have occured lately - not the least of which was the untimely death of Latino Heat - Eddie Guererro, may he finally find some peace, the back and forth beween Lita, Kane, Matt, and Edge (what an idiot!), and that thing with the boggeyman and the worms down that chicks pants. WHATEVER!

But I digress.

Out coverage is between one and two months behind the states, and this week, Batista announced he was stepping down as the World Heavyweight Champion as he had to undergo surgery after an unprovoked and unsportsman-like attack which left him wounded. Now, if you have seen this 6 foot 2 inch, giant, you will know that it is NOT easy to hurt him. He was attacked by two cretins, but that is part of the game, and I guess he knows that. Anyway, he handed in his title to Smackdown general manager Teddy Long who announced that there would be an Over the Top Rope Battle Royal to determine the next Champion, and to cut a long story short - the ugliest, meanest, cheatingest man in the whole of hte WWE won. Kurt Angle (who isn't even from Smackdown - he is from RAW) won the match, and walked off with the title. At least he suffered a bit to win.

Again, I am digressing.

The point of this story is that when Dave announced his stepping down, the camera panned from an angle it does not usually show, and I noticed a company banner - Deloitte.

I work there. I know we spount all this crap about work-life balance and ebracing diversity, but who knew that Deloitte would want to be associated with a show such as this? That evening in Philly - when Dave (who by the way has described himself as having a million dollar body and a five cent brain)announed he was stepping down. I have gained a bit more respect for my company upon seeing that. I guess I could dig really deep and say I learned we should strive to be the best - to do the best with what we have, and support excellence everywhere we find it.

Or i could just agree that someone else enjoys watching these world-class sportsmen bash the heck out of each other.

My money is on the latter.

Dave - be back soon, and power bomb the (&^$#@ out of Kurt to get back your title.

the dreaded Moriarty

It is local election time again. Again. Notwithstanding the people's struggle to vote, it seems ironic that there are so many other concerns consider when "making your mark" on the paper to show your choice, and perhaps this is the cause of the great apathy which concerns the government. All the parties campaign by blackening (har har) each other's names, and with slander and "proof" of corruption, clever adverts, and unethical plays on fears or sympathy, but this year, there is something different. I have spotted some humour. I am certain it is unintentional, however funny it is. Today on my way in to work, I nearly drove off the road with laughter upon seeing the grinning face of a local party's candidate proudly proclaiming "vote Moriarty as local Mayor".

After all, everyone knows he escaped in a time machine to get away from Sherlock Holmes, and is clearly at large here to do his worst.

Let the voting begin...

Christmas Freebies

I may have inadvertently discovered the actual origin of the word “freebie”. Perhaps etymology professors all around the world will disagree, quoting tomes of intellectual knowledge to prove me wrong; but in that true and scientifically proven method of empirical proof, I offer the following as my thesis as follows:

I gave my Mother a Lavender plant for Christmas, and when I handed it to her, she asked me what was buzzing. I was confused for a moment, wondering what from my house could have fallen into the gift bag, turned itself on, and started buzzing as she held it. A fleeting catalogue revealed no such item, except for an Acme hand buzzer (still their greatest seller, according to Marvin Acme [okay, yes, I have just finished watching Who framed Roger Rabbit]). Even by suspending my disbelief (which is necessary for unbiased scientific observation, this was most unlikely. Therefore, by applying Ockham’s razor, or perhaps by reciting the maxim of that most excellent fellow – Sherlock Holmes - "that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth." I knew that I was on the right track.

Or maybe, I just got lucky.

Either way, I realised, it was a bee – probably a stowaway from the Lavender bushes at my house. (But don’t worry, I won’t regale you with more info on that score …)

I immediately took the offending buzzer outside, and removed gift bag which was around the plastic bag which around the plant bag – thereby releasing the angry bee. I had put the plant bag in a plastic bag to keep the water from the plant bag from affecting the paper of the gift bag, and causing it to deteriate (sic) and plummet to the ground, spraying mud, sand, and bits of Lavender all over my Mother’s carpet just at the most inopportune time; such as you may see in a re-run of a Roger Rabbit short.

But I have not told you the best bit. As the buzzer started, my Mother first asked me what it was, and once we had figured out that it was not a battery-powered item, she immediately shouted – “Hey! It’s a freebie!” And there you have it.

That’s all folks!


Ps – here is a joke.

Comic 1: what do you know about show business?
Comic 2: only that there’s no business like it. No business I know…

What’s the difference between broccoli and snot?

I carry a Dictaphone in my car so that when brilliant ideas occur to me I can capture them immediately so they do not escape. This ultimately means two things – when I listen to them – they are not so brilliant although they do capture something of a thought process that often leads me down inspiring and creative thought paths, and it also means that when I listen to them I often laugh out loud at what I was thinking at any given time.

Case in point:
One of the client sites I am currently working at takes me about one and a half hours of driving in peak hour traffic. As you can imagine, this gives me plenty of time to watch people in their cars, and come up with more of my brilliant ideas, plan strategies for work challenges, and generally amuse myself at other people’s expense.

About 2 weeks ago, there was a man in front of me in a large, expensive German car that was cleaning his ears out. For at least 20 minutes. I timed him. I could see no evidence of any tissues or a hanky either.

I tried to look away, really I did, but I had to watch the traffic in front of me, and besides, it was like a mesmerising hypnotic thing from which I could not tear my gaze.

He then went on to picking things in his face – presumably pimples. Again – no tissues – just his trousers. And, I should mention, it was with both hands.

Then, to my absolute disgust, he looked up his nose in the rear-view mirror and started picking. I also timed this. Another 20 minutes.

What the hell type of crop can you have going on up there that takes 20 minutes to dig out? And then to top it all off, he started smoothing his hair down. News flash – snot hair is not the thing! Never has been, never will be!

Imagine you have a meeting with this man. He gets out of his car, and strolls up to your office. Shakes your hand, transferring ear wax, pimple goo, and snot. OMG!

Then he committed the ultimate crime. He ate his snot.

Now the joke used to be “what’s the difference between broccoli and snot?”
“Children won’t eat broccoli”

I guess adults won’t eat broccoli either.

After about an hour of this unhygienic adjustment, he looked over the car next to him, and seemed to twig that there was a car next to him, and stopped what he was doing for about 5 minutes, but then carried on.

If the traffic had come to a standstill, I would have issued him with a ticket from the snot police. He definitely wins the Pukeworthy Punk of the day award.

Eeeeeuuuuuuuw is all I have to say about that.

Which part of NO is unclear?

Long story short, my super ears, or superiors (as they prefer to be described) asked be to take on a whole lot more work. I politely declined, stating objective reasons including realistic time frames, actual time lines, hours of work required to complete tasks, etc, and explaining my current work load as well. Two comapy parntners (very high people on the totem pole) agreed that I could not do justice to the tasks, and we agreed that this was not a viable option.

I met with my counsellor (essentially my yoda or performance mentor as is the structure in our comapny) to help me with a structure for the work I currently have (which was too much before they asked me to take on the more they asked me to), and he again said I had to take on the work that I had got agreement that I did not have to do.

Now, I am not confused - three partners (for whom I am doing work, and to whom I directly report) agree that I do not have to do this work, but a manager within my service line says that I have to do it.

I called him again today to say I wasn't able to do it due to blah blah fishpaste objective factual time reasons, and he just said I have to.

I am truly at a loss of what to do.

How do you argue with a person who doesn't listen to you and won't hear you say no?

Fank you to meet you!

I do understand that we are a multi-lingual society, and that signs will have to be translated into various languages. I don't have a problem with that. Nor do I have a problem with people who are not mother-tongue speakers making mistakes. I take my hat off to them for speaking a language other than their own (except for news readers - they should be mother tongue speakers). But surely we have enough resources to have people check signs before we post them all over the show?

Here is the latest in a long line of clearly direc translations:

Clock to enter. (Directly translated from the Afrikaans - knock to enter!)

Watch this space for more.