I joined a gym programme recently that allows me to have access to an eCoach - which basically means a guy phones me once a week to crap on me for not going to gym. He also works out a gym programme for me based on the info i enter into the system at the gym, and it works quite well so far.
Here's the interesting part - in our conversations over the last three or four weeks, he has picked up that there is a problem with my motivation, and he says that it seems like I am very stressed at work. (No prizes yet) He also says (and this is where it gets interesting,) that it seems like I am not very happy at work.
Now, I have not been indiscrete at all about work to him. To others, yes absolutely, but not to him. What I have said is that I have not had time to go to gym because I have not had the time or the inclination, and that even though I am stressed at work (which is perhaps all hte more reason to go to gym) I have not been. I have not been working long hours really, but have not made the time to go, but will do so.
That is about the sum of it.
He is either psychic or, just very intuitive, but this morning we had a long discussion around needing to be happy where you are, and he said that he felt I was not happy at work and that I needed to make a choice to speak up and make a change, or look elsewhere. He was very positive, and gave me a good pep talk about how to not be negative when talking to my boss or it may cause him to be defensive, but to rather tell him exactly how I feel and what I need, mentioning that if my boss was good he would understand and want a mutually beneficial relationtionship where we could both do well etc.
I am blown away. I did not realise how transparent i was being.
I guess I REALLY don't have a poker face - even on the phone.
Oh well, thanks Nceba, you have helped me realise that it really is time to decide for action NOW.
Even though I am depressed (and I can hear you sighing, but you can sigh all you want. I am where I am, and I need to walk my own path, and if depression is a lable I have - then so be it), I need to get up out of hte mire and move on.
Here's to next step. I just need help getting up...
Friday, March 17, 2006
Taxis and traffic
After a new resolution to not raise my blood pressure in the traffic every day, and not become a criminal by committing what the Americans call “vehicular manslaughter” by ramming cars off the road and killing the occupants, I shall simply confine myself to saying: “all taxis that push in should taken off the road, impounded, blown up, shattered into smithereens, ground into cement, and used to create children’s playthings”.
Then the drivers should be taken to a court of law where they should be re-educated on the rules of the road.
Once they have gone through training, they should be made to go through 1000 hours of simulated driving without committing one single traffic violation. After that, they should be made to serve another 1000 hours of community service helping the paramedics at accident scenes caused by other taxi drivers. Once they have done that, they should have to undergo another 1000 hours of simulated driving where they need to pass without committing any traffic offences.
Then, they should be made to pass a legal driving test, and then they may be allowed to drive.
Stupid F*ckers.
Then the drivers should be taken to a court of law where they should be re-educated on the rules of the road.
Once they have gone through training, they should be made to go through 1000 hours of simulated driving without committing one single traffic violation. After that, they should be made to serve another 1000 hours of community service helping the paramedics at accident scenes caused by other taxi drivers. Once they have done that, they should have to undergo another 1000 hours of simulated driving where they need to pass without committing any traffic offences.
Then, they should be made to pass a legal driving test, and then they may be allowed to drive.
Stupid F*ckers.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Who'da thunk it - Kurt Angle Zero to Hero in one move
In an unprecedented move, Kurt "you suck" Angle, often described as the "most technicallyl sound" wrestler of the WWE has become hte crowd favourite!
My flabber is ghasted.
In a bold move, the Phenom - that dead man that no-one can kill, not even the Legend Killer Randy Orton, told Kurt that he wanted the one thing that Kurt had - the WWE heavy weight title. Even Kurt looked a little scared, and for a cheating, mean, bully who breaks people's ankles for a living (okay, perhaps a little OTT), that is amazing.
But you must understand, Taker is 7 feet tall, and probably weighs 300 pounds. i am not sure of his stats, but he is a bloddy huge man. In fact, he makes Big Show look small, and when he fought Marc Henry - the "World's Largest Athlete" (which means in America) they looked like normal people standing next to each other.
Anyway, Taker had a match against Marc and when he was about to beat him, MNM came out and started cheating, as usual, double teaming him and cheating when the ref wasn't looking, giving Marc the advantage, when Kurt came running in and clobbered MNM, allowing Taker to finish off the trio and win the match.
Now, we all know that Kurt did thi to get back at MNM AND Marc (if you watch you will know the history), but it seems like a move that Batista would have made - saving the innocent and coming to the rescue of the rightful winner. The audience went mad with applause and Kurt - in an instant - became the hero.
I've never liked Kurt because I think he is mean, and does not give as much as hte other wrestlers, but in that moment, whoever writes the script and does the PR, made a monumentally right move. Somehow, it was just the right thing to shoot him from last place to first, even eclipsing the Undertaker who gave him back his title belt and continued to look truculent.
I still don't understand why people don't enjoy wrestling. It is SO much better than a soapie...
My flabber is ghasted.
In a bold move, the Phenom - that dead man that no-one can kill, not even the Legend Killer Randy Orton, told Kurt that he wanted the one thing that Kurt had - the WWE heavy weight title. Even Kurt looked a little scared, and for a cheating, mean, bully who breaks people's ankles for a living (okay, perhaps a little OTT), that is amazing.
But you must understand, Taker is 7 feet tall, and probably weighs 300 pounds. i am not sure of his stats, but he is a bloddy huge man. In fact, he makes Big Show look small, and when he fought Marc Henry - the "World's Largest Athlete" (which means in America) they looked like normal people standing next to each other.
Anyway, Taker had a match against Marc and when he was about to beat him, MNM came out and started cheating, as usual, double teaming him and cheating when the ref wasn't looking, giving Marc the advantage, when Kurt came running in and clobbered MNM, allowing Taker to finish off the trio and win the match.
Now, we all know that Kurt did thi to get back at MNM AND Marc (if you watch you will know the history), but it seems like a move that Batista would have made - saving the innocent and coming to the rescue of the rightful winner. The audience went mad with applause and Kurt - in an instant - became the hero.
I've never liked Kurt because I think he is mean, and does not give as much as hte other wrestlers, but in that moment, whoever writes the script and does the PR, made a monumentally right move. Somehow, it was just the right thing to shoot him from last place to first, even eclipsing the Undertaker who gave him back his title belt and continued to look truculent.
I still don't understand why people don't enjoy wrestling. It is SO much better than a soapie...
Friday, February 24, 2006
Telkom strikes again, again!
Well, my phone was fixed, for a few hours, then broke again. I asked my Mom to report it, because (surprise, surprise) I have no line with which to do that, and even though it is a free number, if you call from a mobile phone y ou are charged. Also, becauyse it is a free call (supposedly) you are on hold for at least 5 minutes.
Long story short, the lady to whom my Mother spoke was so brazen as to instruct my mother to tell me that I should upgrade my service to whatever the hell she was selling.
How rude!
Long story short, the lady to whom my Mother spoke was so brazen as to instruct my mother to tell me that I should upgrade my service to whatever the hell she was selling.
How rude!
Stupid Americans!
I was watching an Oprah show where a 911 widow – Kathy Trant was defending her spending the $5m she was given as part of her settlement for the victim’s fund. Apparently, there has been a huge outcry that she has spent her money which has come from the government and various charitable donations on redoing her house - $250 000 on her kitchen, $120 000 on the pool, sports centre thingy, brickwork, and fence in the back yard, and at least one million on designer shoes, handbags, and dresses.
More power to her I say. If that is how she grieves, then let her do whatever she wants. Surely EVEN the Americans cannot be so arrogant that they believe they can tell people how to spend money they give each other?
Anyway.
Listening to her speak, I began to realise again, and still more how I just don’t understand how this event has had such a powerful effect on the psyche of America. She kept on saying that 3000 people were “brutally murdered” that day, and that their country did not protect them, and that they don’t even have a memorial. Blah blah fishpaste.
What I can’t reconcile is that 1000s of people die in African countries every day. Blown up by landmines, killed in ethnic cleansing, and even in our own ugly past, as South Africans…
And what about the Nazi holocaust? There are still people who refuse to believe it happened. What about the tens of thousands pf people who died there? What about the mass graves they have just found in Ethiopia? What about the Tsunami, and the flooding in the south of America? What about their own victims there?
But of course, this 911 crisis, (5 years later!) is still the main story on the lips of several Americans.
Maybe I am being mean and un-empathetic, but I fail to see why the Americans are so special that they are the only ones in the whole world that ever lost a husband / brother / father / mother / sister / daughter; and Oh woe is my, I will never be able to get over losing a loved one, and the rest of the world must somehow allow them to wallow in pity and grief.
I have never been a fan of America, and am even less of one now.
Uncle Sam wants YOU to take some responsibility for yourself you stupid rednecks! Get over it, get on with it, and leave everyone else alone.
And stop using 911 as an excuse to bully everyone. Learn from out history. Making something a law doesn’t make it right.
More power to her I say. If that is how she grieves, then let her do whatever she wants. Surely EVEN the Americans cannot be so arrogant that they believe they can tell people how to spend money they give each other?
Anyway.
Listening to her speak, I began to realise again, and still more how I just don’t understand how this event has had such a powerful effect on the psyche of America. She kept on saying that 3000 people were “brutally murdered” that day, and that their country did not protect them, and that they don’t even have a memorial. Blah blah fishpaste.
What I can’t reconcile is that 1000s of people die in African countries every day. Blown up by landmines, killed in ethnic cleansing, and even in our own ugly past, as South Africans…
And what about the Nazi holocaust? There are still people who refuse to believe it happened. What about the tens of thousands pf people who died there? What about the mass graves they have just found in Ethiopia? What about the Tsunami, and the flooding in the south of America? What about their own victims there?
But of course, this 911 crisis, (5 years later!) is still the main story on the lips of several Americans.
Maybe I am being mean and un-empathetic, but I fail to see why the Americans are so special that they are the only ones in the whole world that ever lost a husband / brother / father / mother / sister / daughter; and Oh woe is my, I will never be able to get over losing a loved one, and the rest of the world must somehow allow them to wallow in pity and grief.
I have never been a fan of America, and am even less of one now.
Uncle Sam wants YOU to take some responsibility for yourself you stupid rednecks! Get over it, get on with it, and leave everyone else alone.
And stop using 911 as an excuse to bully everyone. Learn from out history. Making something a law doesn’t make it right.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Telkom strikes again!
So my landline was not working on Saturday, and I tried to report it as a faulty line, but when I called the offices, the woman I spoke to said she could not report it as they had a fault on their line, and their system was down.
Ha ha.
But I should call again later and report it. Yeah, right.
I tried again a few hours later - still no joy, but at least this time the person took my name.
I called again this morning (2 days later) and spoke to a man whose name I shall not place here in order to protect his identity. I said to him "Hi, I would like to report my phone - the line seems to be faulty - it is not working".
He said "what is wrong with it?" Okay, now either he is not listening, or he is just trying to annoy me. All I know is that the phone is not working. I explaind that again using small words, speaking slowly and without getting annoyed, although by this time I was already irritated.
Then, the next thing he does is try to sell me additional services. I am not even joking.
I politely told him I was not interested, and just asked him when he thought technicians would be ale to fix my line. He replied I had to test it with at least two phones or he could not send someone out because then they could not be sure if it was the phone or the instrument. I explained that I had tried with my computer and modem to dial and it was not working. He said I had to test it with two instruments. I tried to explain that I had done that. AFter about 10 minutes of arguing, he said they would charge me for a call out if the line was not faulty and they came anyway (by this time - I don't care if they take my first born...) so I anwer - that's fine mumble mumble.
He says please will I wait while he tests the line...
"Yes, Miss Goodwin", (clearly cannot read too well either) there is definatly a fault on your line (so why the *^%^&$ can't he do this before arguing with me causing my blood pressure to go up?). Is there permanentmy someone at your home?"
Long story short, due to the rain and whatever else, (probably also the fact that I gave him attitude)my name is on a list (maybe at the bottom for a few days, sigh) and someone will call me when they are ready to help me.
I bet that in a few weeks, a man will call from my house and ask where I am. I did clearly state that I am at work and they need to let me know when I must go home to wait for them, but they never do.
Watch this space.
Ha ha.
But I should call again later and report it. Yeah, right.
I tried again a few hours later - still no joy, but at least this time the person took my name.
I called again this morning (2 days later) and spoke to a man whose name I shall not place here in order to protect his identity. I said to him "Hi, I would like to report my phone - the line seems to be faulty - it is not working".
He said "what is wrong with it?" Okay, now either he is not listening, or he is just trying to annoy me. All I know is that the phone is not working. I explaind that again using small words, speaking slowly and without getting annoyed, although by this time I was already irritated.
Then, the next thing he does is try to sell me additional services. I am not even joking.
I politely told him I was not interested, and just asked him when he thought technicians would be ale to fix my line. He replied I had to test it with at least two phones or he could not send someone out because then they could not be sure if it was the phone or the instrument. I explained that I had tried with my computer and modem to dial and it was not working. He said I had to test it with two instruments. I tried to explain that I had done that. AFter about 10 minutes of arguing, he said they would charge me for a call out if the line was not faulty and they came anyway (by this time - I don't care if they take my first born...) so I anwer - that's fine mumble mumble.
He says please will I wait while he tests the line...
"Yes, Miss Goodwin", (clearly cannot read too well either) there is definatly a fault on your line (so why the *^%^&$ can't he do this before arguing with me causing my blood pressure to go up?). Is there permanentmy someone at your home?"
Long story short, due to the rain and whatever else, (probably also the fact that I gave him attitude)my name is on a list (maybe at the bottom for a few days, sigh) and someone will call me when they are ready to help me.
I bet that in a few weeks, a man will call from my house and ask where I am. I did clearly state that I am at work and they need to let me know when I must go home to wait for them, but they never do.
Watch this space.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Cars, anyone?
Yesterday was a good day to steal cars. Apparently. That is, if you had a Tracker fitted that used the Vodacom network to track the vehicle.
Of course, I don’t know if this is true, but I received a message yesterday saying that my tracker self test had failed and that I needed to call the office and report the fact. Being a geek, I did. They told me that I needed to wait another 72 hours so they could do an air test, but not to worry as last nigh all the self-tests failed as there was a problem on the network.
Not sure if they should have told me that. Or that they should have told me that it can be a problem if there is a problem with the network. Hmmmm.
Oh well, luckily, I won’t try blow up the network and steal cars. Or would I?
Of course, I don’t know if this is true, but I received a message yesterday saying that my tracker self test had failed and that I needed to call the office and report the fact. Being a geek, I did. They told me that I needed to wait another 72 hours so they could do an air test, but not to worry as last nigh all the self-tests failed as there was a problem on the network.
Not sure if they should have told me that. Or that they should have told me that it can be a problem if there is a problem with the network. Hmmmm.
Oh well, luckily, I won’t try blow up the network and steal cars. Or would I?
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Manners? what the hell are those?
I have decided that I am now officially old. I can remember a time when Chappies Bubblegum was half a cent for one. Now they are 25 cents for one. Talk about inflation. Et cetera.
But what about manners?
I know that no family actually sits down at a dinner table anymore for a family meal to talk about their day, or eats with silver cutlery. Never mind using more than one knife and fork for starters, fish, and desert... What? Mommy, this knife is broken. It is a strange shape. And why is this fork more like a spoon? People now days don't recognise different cutlery or even know what it is used for. And what about standing back at doors or giving up seats for old people?
I have realised that manners have gone the way of the Dodo. That is to say - they are not only dead, but extinct with absolutely NO CHANCE of coming back. Not even with heroic measures and gene therapy, or finding little blobs of it left in amber and creating islands where it can mutate.
Manners are gone. If I hold a door for people they not only strean through and ignore me, but hordes of others stream through after them. I have now taken to proclaiming in a loud voice "it is a pleasure", followed by a sotto vocce "you ignorant plebs" or (depending on my mood) something that would require an age restiction. And doors are not the only place this happens. In supermarkets, if you stand back for people in the aisles, they will push their trolleys in front of you and stand there blocking your view of the produce, and then proceed to look at their lists, talk on the phone, pick their noses, or do just about anything else they can think of to be annoying.
I don't know if people are rude or just stupid. Juding by the way they drive out of hte parking lot, I'd say the latter, but that is another story for another time.
Here's to the few gentlemen there are left - that hold the doors for me, and are surprised when I thank them. You are my heros. If you weren't married, I'd ask you myself.
But what about manners?
I know that no family actually sits down at a dinner table anymore for a family meal to talk about their day, or eats with silver cutlery. Never mind using more than one knife and fork for starters, fish, and desert... What? Mommy, this knife is broken. It is a strange shape. And why is this fork more like a spoon? People now days don't recognise different cutlery or even know what it is used for. And what about standing back at doors or giving up seats for old people?
I have realised that manners have gone the way of the Dodo. That is to say - they are not only dead, but extinct with absolutely NO CHANCE of coming back. Not even with heroic measures and gene therapy, or finding little blobs of it left in amber and creating islands where it can mutate.
Manners are gone. If I hold a door for people they not only strean through and ignore me, but hordes of others stream through after them. I have now taken to proclaiming in a loud voice "it is a pleasure", followed by a sotto vocce "you ignorant plebs" or (depending on my mood) something that would require an age restiction. And doors are not the only place this happens. In supermarkets, if you stand back for people in the aisles, they will push their trolleys in front of you and stand there blocking your view of the produce, and then proceed to look at their lists, talk on the phone, pick their noses, or do just about anything else they can think of to be annoying.
I don't know if people are rude or just stupid. Juding by the way they drive out of hte parking lot, I'd say the latter, but that is another story for another time.
Here's to the few gentlemen there are left - that hold the doors for me, and are surprised when I thank them. You are my heros. If you weren't married, I'd ask you myself.
Friday, February 03, 2006
million-dollar body - five cent brain -- supported by Deloitte!
Okay - I admit it. I am a big fan of wrestling. Huge. Not that local crap either, but the real thing - the WWE RAW, Smackdown, and Velocity, although until the draft lottery last year, my all time fav was RAW.
My best characters (and yes - they are characters, because it is NOT real) are John Cena, Dave "the animal" Batista, and Chris "toothless agression" Benoit. There are a few others, but these three are my all-time best. They are the "gentlemen" of hte sport - if there are such things in that game.
A few notable events have occured lately - not the least of which was the untimely death of Latino Heat - Eddie Guererro, may he finally find some peace, the back and forth beween Lita, Kane, Matt, and Edge (what an idiot!), and that thing with the boggeyman and the worms down that chicks pants. WHATEVER!
But I digress.
Out coverage is between one and two months behind the states, and this week, Batista announced he was stepping down as the World Heavyweight Champion as he had to undergo surgery after an unprovoked and unsportsman-like attack which left him wounded. Now, if you have seen this 6 foot 2 inch, giant, you will know that it is NOT easy to hurt him. He was attacked by two cretins, but that is part of the game, and I guess he knows that. Anyway, he handed in his title to Smackdown general manager Teddy Long who announced that there would be an Over the Top Rope Battle Royal to determine the next Champion, and to cut a long story short - the ugliest, meanest, cheatingest man in the whole of hte WWE won. Kurt Angle (who isn't even from Smackdown - he is from RAW) won the match, and walked off with the title. At least he suffered a bit to win.
Again, I am digressing.
The point of this story is that when Dave announced his stepping down, the camera panned from an angle it does not usually show, and I noticed a company banner - Deloitte.
I work there. I know we spount all this crap about work-life balance and ebracing diversity, but who knew that Deloitte would want to be associated with a show such as this? That evening in Philly - when Dave (who by the way has described himself as having a million dollar body and a five cent brain)announed he was stepping down. I have gained a bit more respect for my company upon seeing that. I guess I could dig really deep and say I learned we should strive to be the best - to do the best with what we have, and support excellence everywhere we find it.
Or i could just agree that someone else enjoys watching these world-class sportsmen bash the heck out of each other.
My money is on the latter.
Dave - be back soon, and power bomb the (&^$#@ out of Kurt to get back your title.
My best characters (and yes - they are characters, because it is NOT real) are John Cena, Dave "the animal" Batista, and Chris "toothless agression" Benoit. There are a few others, but these three are my all-time best. They are the "gentlemen" of hte sport - if there are such things in that game.
A few notable events have occured lately - not the least of which was the untimely death of Latino Heat - Eddie Guererro, may he finally find some peace, the back and forth beween Lita, Kane, Matt, and Edge (what an idiot!), and that thing with the boggeyman and the worms down that chicks pants. WHATEVER!
But I digress.
Out coverage is between one and two months behind the states, and this week, Batista announced he was stepping down as the World Heavyweight Champion as he had to undergo surgery after an unprovoked and unsportsman-like attack which left him wounded. Now, if you have seen this 6 foot 2 inch, giant, you will know that it is NOT easy to hurt him. He was attacked by two cretins, but that is part of the game, and I guess he knows that. Anyway, he handed in his title to Smackdown general manager Teddy Long who announced that there would be an Over the Top Rope Battle Royal to determine the next Champion, and to cut a long story short - the ugliest, meanest, cheatingest man in the whole of hte WWE won. Kurt Angle (who isn't even from Smackdown - he is from RAW) won the match, and walked off with the title. At least he suffered a bit to win.
Again, I am digressing.
The point of this story is that when Dave announced his stepping down, the camera panned from an angle it does not usually show, and I noticed a company banner - Deloitte.
I work there. I know we spount all this crap about work-life balance and ebracing diversity, but who knew that Deloitte would want to be associated with a show such as this? That evening in Philly - when Dave (who by the way has described himself as having a million dollar body and a five cent brain)announed he was stepping down. I have gained a bit more respect for my company upon seeing that. I guess I could dig really deep and say I learned we should strive to be the best - to do the best with what we have, and support excellence everywhere we find it.
Or i could just agree that someone else enjoys watching these world-class sportsmen bash the heck out of each other.
My money is on the latter.
Dave - be back soon, and power bomb the (&^$#@ out of Kurt to get back your title.
Monday, January 30, 2006
the dreaded Moriarty
It is local election time again. Again. Notwithstanding the people's struggle to vote, it seems ironic that there are so many other concerns consider when "making your mark" on the paper to show your choice, and perhaps this is the cause of the great apathy which concerns the government. All the parties campaign by blackening (har har) each other's names, and with slander and "proof" of corruption, clever adverts, and unethical plays on fears or sympathy, but this year, there is something different. I have spotted some humour. I am certain it is unintentional, however funny it is. Today on my way in to work, I nearly drove off the road with laughter upon seeing the grinning face of a local party's candidate proudly proclaiming "vote Moriarty as local Mayor".
After all, everyone knows he escaped in a time machine to get away from Sherlock Holmes, and is clearly at large here to do his worst.
Let the voting begin...
After all, everyone knows he escaped in a time machine to get away from Sherlock Holmes, and is clearly at large here to do his worst.
Let the voting begin...
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Christmas Freebies
I may have inadvertently discovered the actual origin of the word “freebie”. Perhaps etymology professors all around the world will disagree, quoting tomes of intellectual knowledge to prove me wrong; but in that true and scientifically proven method of empirical proof, I offer the following as my thesis as follows:
I gave my Mother a Lavender plant for Christmas, and when I handed it to her, she asked me what was buzzing. I was confused for a moment, wondering what from my house could have fallen into the gift bag, turned itself on, and started buzzing as she held it. A fleeting catalogue revealed no such item, except for an Acme hand buzzer (still their greatest seller, according to Marvin Acme [okay, yes, I have just finished watching Who framed Roger Rabbit]). Even by suspending my disbelief (which is necessary for unbiased scientific observation, this was most unlikely. Therefore, by applying Ockham’s razor, or perhaps by reciting the maxim of that most excellent fellow – Sherlock Holmes - "that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth." I knew that I was on the right track.
Or maybe, I just got lucky.
Either way, I realised, it was a bee – probably a stowaway from the Lavender bushes at my house. (But don’t worry, I won’t regale you with more info on that score …)
I immediately took the offending buzzer outside, and removed gift bag which was around the plastic bag which around the plant bag – thereby releasing the angry bee. I had put the plant bag in a plastic bag to keep the water from the plant bag from affecting the paper of the gift bag, and causing it to deteriate (sic) and plummet to the ground, spraying mud, sand, and bits of Lavender all over my Mother’s carpet just at the most inopportune time; such as you may see in a re-run of a Roger Rabbit short.
But I have not told you the best bit. As the buzzer started, my Mother first asked me what it was, and once we had figured out that it was not a battery-powered item, she immediately shouted – “Hey! It’s a freebie!” And there you have it.
That’s all folks!
Ps – here is a joke.
Comic 1: what do you know about show business?
Comic 2: only that there’s no business like it. No business I know…
I gave my Mother a Lavender plant for Christmas, and when I handed it to her, she asked me what was buzzing. I was confused for a moment, wondering what from my house could have fallen into the gift bag, turned itself on, and started buzzing as she held it. A fleeting catalogue revealed no such item, except for an Acme hand buzzer (still their greatest seller, according to Marvin Acme [okay, yes, I have just finished watching Who framed Roger Rabbit]). Even by suspending my disbelief (which is necessary for unbiased scientific observation, this was most unlikely. Therefore, by applying Ockham’s razor, or perhaps by reciting the maxim of that most excellent fellow – Sherlock Holmes - "that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth." I knew that I was on the right track.
Or maybe, I just got lucky.
Either way, I realised, it was a bee – probably a stowaway from the Lavender bushes at my house. (But don’t worry, I won’t regale you with more info on that score …)
I immediately took the offending buzzer outside, and removed gift bag which was around the plastic bag which around the plant bag – thereby releasing the angry bee. I had put the plant bag in a plastic bag to keep the water from the plant bag from affecting the paper of the gift bag, and causing it to deteriate (sic) and plummet to the ground, spraying mud, sand, and bits of Lavender all over my Mother’s carpet just at the most inopportune time; such as you may see in a re-run of a Roger Rabbit short.
But I have not told you the best bit. As the buzzer started, my Mother first asked me what it was, and once we had figured out that it was not a battery-powered item, she immediately shouted – “Hey! It’s a freebie!” And there you have it.
That’s all folks!
Ps – here is a joke.
Comic 1: what do you know about show business?
Comic 2: only that there’s no business like it. No business I know…
Friday, October 14, 2005
What’s the difference between broccoli and snot?
I carry a Dictaphone in my car so that when brilliant ideas occur to me I can capture them immediately so they do not escape. This ultimately means two things – when I listen to them – they are not so brilliant although they do capture something of a thought process that often leads me down inspiring and creative thought paths, and it also means that when I listen to them I often laugh out loud at what I was thinking at any given time.
Case in point:
One of the client sites I am currently working at takes me about one and a half hours of driving in peak hour traffic. As you can imagine, this gives me plenty of time to watch people in their cars, and come up with more of my brilliant ideas, plan strategies for work challenges, and generally amuse myself at other people’s expense.
About 2 weeks ago, there was a man in front of me in a large, expensive German car that was cleaning his ears out. For at least 20 minutes. I timed him. I could see no evidence of any tissues or a hanky either.
I tried to look away, really I did, but I had to watch the traffic in front of me, and besides, it was like a mesmerising hypnotic thing from which I could not tear my gaze.
He then went on to picking things in his face – presumably pimples. Again – no tissues – just his trousers. And, I should mention, it was with both hands.
Then, to my absolute disgust, he looked up his nose in the rear-view mirror and started picking. I also timed this. Another 20 minutes.
What the hell type of crop can you have going on up there that takes 20 minutes to dig out? And then to top it all off, he started smoothing his hair down. News flash – snot hair is not the thing! Never has been, never will be!
Imagine you have a meeting with this man. He gets out of his car, and strolls up to your office. Shakes your hand, transferring ear wax, pimple goo, and snot. OMG!
Then he committed the ultimate crime. He ate his snot.
Now the joke used to be “what’s the difference between broccoli and snot?”
“Children won’t eat broccoli”
I guess adults won’t eat broccoli either.
After about an hour of this unhygienic adjustment, he looked over the car next to him, and seemed to twig that there was a car next to him, and stopped what he was doing for about 5 minutes, but then carried on.
If the traffic had come to a standstill, I would have issued him with a ticket from the snot police. He definitely wins the Pukeworthy Punk of the day award.
Eeeeeuuuuuuuw is all I have to say about that.
Case in point:
One of the client sites I am currently working at takes me about one and a half hours of driving in peak hour traffic. As you can imagine, this gives me plenty of time to watch people in their cars, and come up with more of my brilliant ideas, plan strategies for work challenges, and generally amuse myself at other people’s expense.
About 2 weeks ago, there was a man in front of me in a large, expensive German car that was cleaning his ears out. For at least 20 minutes. I timed him. I could see no evidence of any tissues or a hanky either.
I tried to look away, really I did, but I had to watch the traffic in front of me, and besides, it was like a mesmerising hypnotic thing from which I could not tear my gaze.
He then went on to picking things in his face – presumably pimples. Again – no tissues – just his trousers. And, I should mention, it was with both hands.
Then, to my absolute disgust, he looked up his nose in the rear-view mirror and started picking. I also timed this. Another 20 minutes.
What the hell type of crop can you have going on up there that takes 20 minutes to dig out? And then to top it all off, he started smoothing his hair down. News flash – snot hair is not the thing! Never has been, never will be!
Imagine you have a meeting with this man. He gets out of his car, and strolls up to your office. Shakes your hand, transferring ear wax, pimple goo, and snot. OMG!
Then he committed the ultimate crime. He ate his snot.
Now the joke used to be “what’s the difference between broccoli and snot?”
“Children won’t eat broccoli”
I guess adults won’t eat broccoli either.
After about an hour of this unhygienic adjustment, he looked over the car next to him, and seemed to twig that there was a car next to him, and stopped what he was doing for about 5 minutes, but then carried on.
If the traffic had come to a standstill, I would have issued him with a ticket from the snot police. He definitely wins the Pukeworthy Punk of the day award.
Eeeeeuuuuuuuw is all I have to say about that.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Which part of NO is unclear?
Long story short, my super ears, or superiors (as they prefer to be described) asked be to take on a whole lot more work. I politely declined, stating objective reasons including realistic time frames, actual time lines, hours of work required to complete tasks, etc, and explaining my current work load as well. Two comapy parntners (very high people on the totem pole) agreed that I could not do justice to the tasks, and we agreed that this was not a viable option.
I met with my counsellor (essentially my yoda or performance mentor as is the structure in our comapny) to help me with a structure for the work I currently have (which was too much before they asked me to take on the more they asked me to), and he again said I had to take on the work that I had got agreement that I did not have to do.
Now, I am not confused - three partners (for whom I am doing work, and to whom I directly report) agree that I do not have to do this work, but a manager within my service line says that I have to do it.
I called him again today to say I wasn't able to do it due to blah blah fishpaste objective factual time reasons, and he just said I have to.
I am truly at a loss of what to do.
How do you argue with a person who doesn't listen to you and won't hear you say no?
I met with my counsellor (essentially my yoda or performance mentor as is the structure in our comapny) to help me with a structure for the work I currently have (which was too much before they asked me to take on the more they asked me to), and he again said I had to take on the work that I had got agreement that I did not have to do.
Now, I am not confused - three partners (for whom I am doing work, and to whom I directly report) agree that I do not have to do this work, but a manager within my service line says that I have to do it.
I called him again today to say I wasn't able to do it due to blah blah fishpaste objective factual time reasons, and he just said I have to.
I am truly at a loss of what to do.
How do you argue with a person who doesn't listen to you and won't hear you say no?
Fank you to meet you!
I do understand that we are a multi-lingual society, and that signs will have to be translated into various languages. I don't have a problem with that. Nor do I have a problem with people who are not mother-tongue speakers making mistakes. I take my hat off to them for speaking a language other than their own (except for news readers - they should be mother tongue speakers). But surely we have enough resources to have people check signs before we post them all over the show?
Here is the latest in a long line of clearly direc translations:
Clock to enter. (Directly translated from the Afrikaans - knock to enter!)
Watch this space for more.
Here is the latest in a long line of clearly direc translations:
Clock to enter. (Directly translated from the Afrikaans - knock to enter!)
Watch this space for more.
Monday, September 26, 2005
She loves me
I have a cat.
Like all animal lovers, I am irrational when it comes to my little pumkpin. She is the best thing on four legs, and I love her to bits.
Long story short, I installed a cat flap in my door that works with a magnet on her collar, so that only she can get in and out. (I was sick and tired of coming home to a place that stank of cat spray and seeing other rude cats sitting on her spot in the sun, on my brother's couch, being all happy).
Only problem is, it is magnetic.
She sticks to her food bowl and tips it over. No problem, she has a ceramic one now.
She picks up things in the garden. No problem, they are treasures for me.
She sticks to the pole of my car port. Very funny. Very very funny.
As all cats like to do, she rubs against the pole, especially when she sees me coming home - and rushes out to greet me. Of course, I don't laugh at her - that would be rude, but it is the funniest sight I have seen in a long time - a little pussy cat trying to release herself from a pole that she is stuck to by her magnetic collar. Har har.
And they say cats can't make you laugh.
Like all animal lovers, I am irrational when it comes to my little pumkpin. She is the best thing on four legs, and I love her to bits.
Long story short, I installed a cat flap in my door that works with a magnet on her collar, so that only she can get in and out. (I was sick and tired of coming home to a place that stank of cat spray and seeing other rude cats sitting on her spot in the sun, on my brother's couch, being all happy).
Only problem is, it is magnetic.
She sticks to her food bowl and tips it over. No problem, she has a ceramic one now.
She picks up things in the garden. No problem, they are treasures for me.
She sticks to the pole of my car port. Very funny. Very very funny.
As all cats like to do, she rubs against the pole, especially when she sees me coming home - and rushes out to greet me. Of course, I don't laugh at her - that would be rude, but it is the funniest sight I have seen in a long time - a little pussy cat trying to release herself from a pole that she is stuck to by her magnetic collar. Har har.
And they say cats can't make you laugh.
What the hell do I know?
We all know that any employer will take as much as they can, and abuse any employee as much as possible, but this is ridiculous.
I am now officially working three people's jobs. Okay, maybe two and a half...
My colleague resigned (twice), the first time because she was OVER-stretched. She stayed because she was promised help. She never got it. She was given even more to do. (And they ding me at performance appraisal time for not learning...)
She then resigned again, this time for good. She explaind carefully, using small words to ensure they inderstood what the situation was.
They asked to take over all her work. I am always up for a stretch, but I am already over capacity, and she was doing the work of two people. She has 10 years of experience in this area, I have 6 months.
On a good day, my self esteem is about 3 out of 10 000.
You figure it out.
I am now officially working three people's jobs. Okay, maybe two and a half...
My colleague resigned (twice), the first time because she was OVER-stretched. She stayed because she was promised help. She never got it. She was given even more to do. (And they ding me at performance appraisal time for not learning...)
She then resigned again, this time for good. She explaind carefully, using small words to ensure they inderstood what the situation was.
They asked to take over all her work. I am always up for a stretch, but I am already over capacity, and she was doing the work of two people. She has 10 years of experience in this area, I have 6 months.
On a good day, my self esteem is about 3 out of 10 000.
You figure it out.
no mow eenglish
today's phrase:
I have got it in my bag. (Hell, I always thought it was: "It's in the bag").
But what do I know. The proof of this one is definately in the pudding... sic. or perhaps - sick
Janis out
I have got it in my bag. (Hell, I always thought it was: "It's in the bag").
But what do I know. The proof of this one is definately in the pudding... sic. or perhaps - sick
Janis out
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
it's not MY responsibility
A few days ago, 5 young lads stole a paddle boat from within an enclosed municipal area in Eastern Johannesburg, and upon taking the boat for a joy ride in the Blauwpan dam, capsized the boat and 2 of them drowned.
You cannot believe the furore that has blown up around this. One radio DJ was heard to comment that although they shouldn’t have stolen the boat, they don’t deserve to be punished by dying.
Indeed, in this case the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. It never does in South Africa (this is another story for another time), and one can only feel enormous amounts of empathy for the families who are left behind at the loss of their sons. They say that the worst thing that can happen is to lose a child. My heart breaks for the parents. But the war cries of the community somehow lessen the empathy and harden my heart towards the mother who speaks out on radio trying to sue the municipality for negligence at leaving the boat in an un-seaworthy (or whatever) condition where it could be used.
First of all, it was in fact locked up in an enclosure behind fences and padlocks. Second, the children did wilfully and with malice break in to that enclosure to steal the boat. That is to take the boat without permission and consent or authorisation even though they all knew that none of the five of them could swim. I mean how thick could you get?
Is the boat yard to blame? I don’t think so. Will this go to trial? I hope not. Should the municipality counter sue? I believe so. Will they? Never in a million years. They dare not because the community wants to blame someone for the loss of a child’s life. They want to blame someone for the dreadful loss – a loss which was avoidable. Not only could it have been avoided, but it should have been avoided. But not by blaming the municipality for having a boat locked up by a dam. Rather let’s point the responsibility back where it belongs – squarely back on the shoulders of the parents. Parents are supposed to teach their children not to steal, not to break in, not to run across busy roads in front of traffic, not to do things that are dangerous, and so on. Parents should accept the responsibility for the lives of their children (and this is children until they become adults and then they are responsible for THEMSELVES) and not keep blaming everything and everyone else for everything that goes wrong.
My child got run over on a highway – let’s sue the driver and the road’s company. NO – teach your children to use the pedestrian crossing and not to run across highways in front of speeding cars.
My child got cancer from cigarettes – let’s sue the cigarette company – NO – read the warning and don’t smoke. Teach your children to take responsibility for what they do.
My child drowned in the deep end – let’s sue the swimming pool – NO YOU look after your children and supervise them and not leave them to their own devices all day and hope that they will magically be all right.
Let’s not perpetuate this folly of assuming that someone else will take the responsibility for everything we do – especially the government. WE ARE ALL responsible for the choices we make, and will have to bear the consequences. WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT.
Grow up and face the music. If you want to do what you want, fine. But then don’t moan if you get what’s coming to you. After all, do the crime, to the time.
You cannot believe the furore that has blown up around this. One radio DJ was heard to comment that although they shouldn’t have stolen the boat, they don’t deserve to be punished by dying.
Indeed, in this case the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. It never does in South Africa (this is another story for another time), and one can only feel enormous amounts of empathy for the families who are left behind at the loss of their sons. They say that the worst thing that can happen is to lose a child. My heart breaks for the parents. But the war cries of the community somehow lessen the empathy and harden my heart towards the mother who speaks out on radio trying to sue the municipality for negligence at leaving the boat in an un-seaworthy (or whatever) condition where it could be used.
First of all, it was in fact locked up in an enclosure behind fences and padlocks. Second, the children did wilfully and with malice break in to that enclosure to steal the boat. That is to take the boat without permission and consent or authorisation even though they all knew that none of the five of them could swim. I mean how thick could you get?
Is the boat yard to blame? I don’t think so. Will this go to trial? I hope not. Should the municipality counter sue? I believe so. Will they? Never in a million years. They dare not because the community wants to blame someone for the loss of a child’s life. They want to blame someone for the dreadful loss – a loss which was avoidable. Not only could it have been avoided, but it should have been avoided. But not by blaming the municipality for having a boat locked up by a dam. Rather let’s point the responsibility back where it belongs – squarely back on the shoulders of the parents. Parents are supposed to teach their children not to steal, not to break in, not to run across busy roads in front of traffic, not to do things that are dangerous, and so on. Parents should accept the responsibility for the lives of their children (and this is children until they become adults and then they are responsible for THEMSELVES) and not keep blaming everything and everyone else for everything that goes wrong.
My child got run over on a highway – let’s sue the driver and the road’s company. NO – teach your children to use the pedestrian crossing and not to run across highways in front of speeding cars.
My child got cancer from cigarettes – let’s sue the cigarette company – NO – read the warning and don’t smoke. Teach your children to take responsibility for what they do.
My child drowned in the deep end – let’s sue the swimming pool – NO YOU look after your children and supervise them and not leave them to their own devices all day and hope that they will magically be all right.
Let’s not perpetuate this folly of assuming that someone else will take the responsibility for everything we do – especially the government. WE ARE ALL responsible for the choices we make, and will have to bear the consequences. WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT.
Grow up and face the music. If you want to do what you want, fine. But then don’t moan if you get what’s coming to you. After all, do the crime, to the time.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Rantings of the insecure
I was at dinner last night with a friend, and while we were eating, he held up a dinner plate, and said “pretend it is a mirror: - do you love the person you see in there?”
I am not sure exactly what nerve it was he hit with that comment, but some secret and well-guarded emotion inside me broke open and I started crying. It suddenly struck me that I don’t really like myself very much, even after years of work at self-esteem, and self-nurturing (something which I am still learning how to do). I am very good at finding fault with myself, and can tell you lists of what I have done wrong from moment to moment of practically each day of my life for ever. But I find it difficult to see any good things. I am working at this, and I thought I had made some progress, but after crying in the restaurant and causing a good friend great discomfort, I wonder if I will ever be able to really accept myself and love the person I am.
How people love themselves? How do people who love themselves, treat themselves? How do they act? How do they get to love themselves in the first place? How can we love ourselves when we are all so flawed and ugly on the inside?
I guess this is a “glass half empty” view and not a “glass half full” view. This is the struggle I am facing – how much weight should negative attributes have in comparison to positive ones? For example, if we have two negatives and four positives, do they cancel each other out? What about one really good one with three slightly bad ones? I don’t know. I do know that we all have good and bad things in us – this is what makes us who we are. I guess it is all part of the plan, but I don’t understand. How can I come to terms with the bad stuff in me? How can I accept that I am not, and never will be, perfect? I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I also don’t know where the journey started, or where it will end, but I do know that I like myself a little bit more each day, but it is not yet enough. It is not enough because I still cry at night when I think about who my friends are, and why they are my friends. There are also times when this causes me to sabotage myself, and I am so mean to my friends that I do chase them away. Almost like I challenge them to see if they will stay when I show them how horrible I can be.
I am sorry.
Maybe if I can be nicer to myself, I can be nicer to you – if you have hung around long enough to see any of the good stuff… perhaps I will have friends who have stayed and have taught be love myself. Thanks.
Tick tock
I am not sure exactly what nerve it was he hit with that comment, but some secret and well-guarded emotion inside me broke open and I started crying. It suddenly struck me that I don’t really like myself very much, even after years of work at self-esteem, and self-nurturing (something which I am still learning how to do). I am very good at finding fault with myself, and can tell you lists of what I have done wrong from moment to moment of practically each day of my life for ever. But I find it difficult to see any good things. I am working at this, and I thought I had made some progress, but after crying in the restaurant and causing a good friend great discomfort, I wonder if I will ever be able to really accept myself and love the person I am.
How people love themselves? How do people who love themselves, treat themselves? How do they act? How do they get to love themselves in the first place? How can we love ourselves when we are all so flawed and ugly on the inside?
I guess this is a “glass half empty” view and not a “glass half full” view. This is the struggle I am facing – how much weight should negative attributes have in comparison to positive ones? For example, if we have two negatives and four positives, do they cancel each other out? What about one really good one with three slightly bad ones? I don’t know. I do know that we all have good and bad things in us – this is what makes us who we are. I guess it is all part of the plan, but I don’t understand. How can I come to terms with the bad stuff in me? How can I accept that I am not, and never will be, perfect? I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I also don’t know where the journey started, or where it will end, but I do know that I like myself a little bit more each day, but it is not yet enough. It is not enough because I still cry at night when I think about who my friends are, and why they are my friends. There are also times when this causes me to sabotage myself, and I am so mean to my friends that I do chase them away. Almost like I challenge them to see if they will stay when I show them how horrible I can be.
I am sorry.
Maybe if I can be nicer to myself, I can be nicer to you – if you have hung around long enough to see any of the good stuff… perhaps I will have friends who have stayed and have taught be love myself. Thanks.
Tick tock
Friday, August 05, 2005
Manners in the modern world
I saw something very interesting this morning that got me thinking. On the door of a local taxi - "DO NoT SLAM MY DOOR" sic.
This opens up a whole interesting debate of manners, not the least of which would be road manners. Mini bus taxis in this country are notorius for their lack of road manners, their blatant disregard for the law, and their almost purposeful display of law-breaking in any and all situations. For example, you will be waiting in a queue at a robot (for those who are not familiar with this local term, it is a traffic light) waiting to turn right across the oncoming traffic. There is oncoming traffic, so we are all waiting until such time as there is a gap when the traffic light is green and there are no cars. The taxis will actually drive 200 meters down the wrong side of hte road, literally pushing other cars out of hte way to make the right hand turn. But worst of all, the traffic cops standing on the corner just stand there and DO NOTHING.
Never mind manners, what about the rule of law. When do manners and law cross over? I think that South Africa has a serious problem in this regard, and I find that taxi drivers who actually expect manners to be applied to them are seriously out of touch with reality, or phychotic, or both.
There is a third option, perhaps this driver was the statistical anomoly - that one in ten trillion gazillion that actually obeys the traffic laws, has a road-worthy taxi and does have manners. But i doubt it.
I want to carry a bazooka and blow the bastards away when they push in front of me - relying on the fact that I don't want to scratch my car and will stop on a dime etc etc.
I want the judges to come back - the ones from Judge Dread. I am waiting.
but I am not holding my breath.
This opens up a whole interesting debate of manners, not the least of which would be road manners. Mini bus taxis in this country are notorius for their lack of road manners, their blatant disregard for the law, and their almost purposeful display of law-breaking in any and all situations. For example, you will be waiting in a queue at a robot (for those who are not familiar with this local term, it is a traffic light) waiting to turn right across the oncoming traffic. There is oncoming traffic, so we are all waiting until such time as there is a gap when the traffic light is green and there are no cars. The taxis will actually drive 200 meters down the wrong side of hte road, literally pushing other cars out of hte way to make the right hand turn. But worst of all, the traffic cops standing on the corner just stand there and DO NOTHING.
Never mind manners, what about the rule of law. When do manners and law cross over? I think that South Africa has a serious problem in this regard, and I find that taxi drivers who actually expect manners to be applied to them are seriously out of touch with reality, or phychotic, or both.
There is a third option, perhaps this driver was the statistical anomoly - that one in ten trillion gazillion that actually obeys the traffic laws, has a road-worthy taxi and does have manners. But i doubt it.
I want to carry a bazooka and blow the bastards away when they push in front of me - relying on the fact that I don't want to scratch my car and will stop on a dime etc etc.
I want the judges to come back - the ones from Judge Dread. I am waiting.
but I am not holding my breath.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)