*Written 6 May 2003 during a project visit down a coal mine. (One of my colleagues co-wrote this article with me)
Coal (we wish it was diamonds) on the soles of our shoes
How often do we work on a client engagement, and truly step into “their shoes”?
Understanding the impact of a new system or structure, or defining an employee’s new responsibilities is a difficult and risky deliverable to achieve. Especially when performed without exploring a “day in the life” of a client employee…
With this in mind, a few members of our team attended an excursion of the “under world” of Khutala Colliery. It was difficult to establish who was more excited - the mine manager and his team of guides (Mine Overseers), or us!
What indemnity did I sign?
Once introduced to all the safety regulations and instructions, and made to sign various forms saying that we have been shown, and understood all the regulations and process, as well as safety and escape information - an aspect taken very seriously by all mine employees - I am sure a few of us, were feeling a little less gung-ho about what can go wrong underground. It was probably also not the best time to find out that coal mines (next to asbestos mines) are the most dangerous in the world.
Underground Fashion
Gearing up for the trip of 60meters below surface (a mere ditch, compared to the depths of gold mines) involved donning a veritable suit of armour comprising the trendy and comfortable overall (with its strategically placed slits on either side!), woollen socks, gloves, gum boots, and then the infamous hard-hat and lamp… Oh, and of course the temporary life pack that houses breathing equipment, to be used for up to 40 minutes during an underground emergency – (yes, very comforting!).
Getting technical
I certainly had a naïve understanding of the expanse of a coal mine, and was surprised at the kilometres travelled to reach the coal-face. It was also unsettling to imagine how normal structures such as highways, buildings, and massive power stations were sitting snugly above us. This is possible due to the clever placement of the blocks where they leave the coal pillars to hold up the ground above. This results in approximately 42% of the coal being left in the ground.
Flame-proof vehicles?!?
We were taken to two of the seventeen Coal extraction sites, through various hanging walls with big signs that read NO NON-FLAME PROOF VEHICLES PAST THIS POINT – so the bakkie in which we were transported had to wait behind. Safety is certainly taken very seriously, and all the vehicles are modified to ensure that they do not cause sparks that may ignite the mine, necessitating the use of the personal safety equipment, and rushing in a non-orderly fashion for the nearest safety bay!
Each site is independently equipped with its own Continuous Miner or XXX multi-million rand machines that drive rotating teeth through the coal, breaking off coal ‘chunks’, to be scooped up onto a shuttle car, a large tractor like truck that carries the coal from the CM to the conveyor belt. Both the Continuous Miner and the Shuttle Car move small slight distances, cutting coal off in planned-out squares – a very impressive thing to watch, from a vantage point which few will have the opportunity to view the cutting – getting faces splashed with coal dust and water from the teeth of the huge machines. The operators of these large, noisy and energy consuming monsters crafted perfectly sculptured square pillars out of a coal seam, and are able to produce XX tonnes per shift – equating to a turn over of RXXX. Not bad for a morning’s work.
Client acceptance equals getting down and dirty
Contrary to what you may expect, the air is clean, fresh and moist, and the environment cool, with little or no dust in the air – in adherence of the health regulations whereby mines have to comply with a minimum dust level underground. In order to achieve this; fine mists of water are showered on the coal being mined, as well as the already mined areas. Consequently, the challenge lay in avoiding the piles of soggy black dust lying in the lifeless knee-deep pools of black water. At one point we were gingerly contemplating a large pond, and our guides defaced our squeaky clean consultant appearance, fearing that one of us would leave the adventure looking ‘un-touched’. Unlike “normal” mud, this black coal mud was difficult to wash off. Our first clue should have been when the GM told our guides to bring us back clean – a curious comment that we only understood when we were soaked from head to foot with a wall of freezing coal sludge sent by the feet of our guides…Luckily, there were soap bars and shampoo waiting for us in the change rooms.
Once we had recovered from the cold, and were all washed and clean again, we could laugh about the experience. All in all, it was very interesting, and we were all glad to have been to see it. The adherence to safety is extraordinary, and the maxim Safety First, Production After holds true.
Friday, January 21, 2005
The great Tubatse Drive-by smelting
*Written 9 July 2003 during the project - on a visit to a Chrome smelter.
Chrome Sex
What do Chrome Sex, Vibrators, big iron balls, and condoms have in common? Well, more than you may think, but not in the way you may think… Chrome Sex, I mean Six is a heavy dust that is produced as a result of slag – a waste by-product of smelted chrome.
We discovered this when we went on a tour at the Tubatse Works – one of the chrome mines in South Africa - nestling in the Steelpoort Valley. It is also the eleventh and last site to go live with the GSAP project at BHPBilliton.
Rules is rules
So we managed to arrange a tour for all the trainers who were keen to see what actually happens on a chrome plant - in other words, they wanted to see if what they had trained the 10 000 people was correct.
The day of the tour came, and we all went and waited like children for a school trip. We were guided by a Plant Maintenance Super User who is obviously very proud of Tubatse, and his job. He whisked us around the plant in a kombi answering most of our questions, and showing us some very interesting things along the way. He answered most of the questions that were straight forward, and but was a bit slippery on some relating to Rand values, exact tonnages, profit margin, and who owns the mineral rights. Also, was very vague around the slag dumps that were different colours…
On the day of the tour we were reminded about the rules:
· No cameras
· No cameras
· No cameras
· No tape recorders
· Oh yes, comfy shoes, clothes, and safety or sun glasses
Kinda makes you think they want to hide something ‘eh?
In fact, the no camera rule applies specifically for safety reasons – all photos must be “sanitised” before they are available for public consumption in order to promote correct use of safety equipment etc. Or so they say. Luckily I am not a conspiracy theorist.
Personal safety equipment was not issued to us, and nor did we have to attend a safety briefing as we were not actually going to be walking anywhere. We were driven around the smelter like guests of honour – negating the need for a PPE (personal protective equipment) or any other safety requirements. One of our colleagues was pregnant at the time, and they were quite hesitant to have her along in case the heat from the furnace caused her any problems.
Safety is definitely a big priority at the plant.
Heavy Metal
We piled into the kombi and our tour began. We were not allowed to open any windows without wearing glasses (unless you sat on the side where the window pane was broken), and were told to be on the look out for trucks carrying heavy metal. This is neither the music, nor the web programme, but a truck hauling red hot metal which is to be dumped. We did drive behind one, and it looked as if the truck itself were glowing. I think you could get quite a nasty burn from that!
Lucas Potgieter et al
We started at the train track where the piles of raw material are brought in. Lucas Potgieter brings the chrome in his big green and gold trucks (now there is a drug reference!?!) to the site where they are sorted and stacked in huge piles in the day bunkers. Contrary to popular belief Lucas is not an actual person but a trucking company that delivers the chrome to the smelter once it has been dug out of the ground. Those of you who have driven out to Tubatse will know the ones – they are the big trucks that drop the chrome onto our windscreens causing those irritating little pocks and cracks.
Day bunkers
The day bunkers are separate piles of ingredients that are used in the smelter. They include things like Chinese Coking Coal, Chrome, Quartz, and other secret piles of indistinguishable stuff. Also, at this stage, I would like to mention that we were not given a satisfactory answer as to why it is called a smelter and not a melter, but that is a story for another time.
Baking cookies
The smelter sends a “call” to the day bunkers causing a plate (called a vibrator) to vibrate under the relevant bunker causing the material to hop along onto a conveyor belt leading the stuff to a container. This container is some sort of enormous scale which weighs the ingredient and stops the vibrations when the required amount is in the container. The material is then conveyored into the smelter, and the next ingredient is called, and so on. When all the ingredients are there, the smelter then smelts the mixture and through some magical process I still don’t understand, chrome and slag come out the other end.
The technical details that I was able to gather include that the mixture is heated between 1700 and 2000 degrees in really big pots (see – this is really technical). There are two types of heating containers – pots and ladles. Evidently, the ladles are used for higher quality chrome product, and are treated more carefully, and looked after better than the pots. We saw a bunch of pots sitting on their heads out in the sun, packed on top of each other, and generally lying about, whereas the ladles were neatly stacked under a shelter. I still don’t really understand the difference between them, but the ladles are used to make chrome ingots which are large as a front loader
Chrome Dome
The big pots get a layer of chrome in them, and are regularly turned upside down and tapped to get the layer inside out. This is called the Hiawatha procedure. Not really.
The mixture in the pots (which is what we saw) is a red hot mixture of molten ferrochrome and slag. It is ferrous because of the high iron content in the chrome.
Also, strangely enough, although the slag floats at the top of the pot, it is always the first thing that comes out of the hole at the bottom of the pot. The slag is a waste-product, and unfortunately cannot be used for anything except building aggregate or as a concrete binder. Somehow the link between Chrome Six and slag was not covered, so we didn’t ask. The rest of the pot is about 21 tonnes of ferrochrome which is usually 43% pure chrome.
Back to the beginning again
Once the chrome has been melted (sorry, smelted), it is an even shiny black. But here’s the thing – once they have taken the small bits and made them big, they then crush them into small bits again. I wonder if that is what our guide meant when he said that it was a pity that they did not add any value, and that the product was only made more valuable once it was sold to someone else. Seriously, they are crushed and passed through a sieve and sold as dust, power, chunks, or rocks.
Apart from size, the chrome they sell is also classified by silicon content. The less the silicon, the harder it is to crush, but the more valuable.
This crushed chrome is stored again in other day bunkers, and then sent by train to wherever they are to be shipped or sold.
The slag is further refined in a chrome recovery process. Again, I am not clear on the technical details, but the chrome that comes out of this process is “shot” into a container which forms small, medium, or large chrome balls which look exactly the same as ironies – those metal marbles we all used to play with way back when.
The slag is then sent to a slag pile where it is stored and eventually sealed in concrete to avoid any contamination, even though they say there is no contamination from it. Erin Brokovic may disagree.
Other interesting facts
The way the pots work is to have that the mixture is melted by three electrodes arcing off each other and not the pot. The only problem with that was if the power goes off. If there is a loss of power, and consequently heat, it becomes difficult to get the electrodes out of the pot, and almost impossible to get the arcs going again.
In order to avoid this situation as much as possible – they have an agreement with Eskom. They have to let them know when they have planned power outages. I guess that you can negotiate this if you too pay R16 million each month.
Concrete feet – kapish?
The plant is busy reprocessing the old slag dumps to reclaim the final chrome from them, and in this process they have found all sorts of interesting things. They have found old cars, junk, and even skeletons. Well, maybe not skeletons, but when we asked if they found any bodies the tour guide answered with a comments about the next part of the tour, and a vague mumble about not being able to “prove those problems with the unions in those days”. I wonder if Jimmy Hoffa ever visited South Africa?
Did you know?
The greatest competition facing plants like Tubatse is reclaimable chrome scrap yards who currently hold 42% of the market.
Wave me goodbye
Our tour guide made a final wistful comment – that he was sad that they don’t actually add any value to the chrome, but that they sell the chrome to Japan who sell it back to us as stainless steel.
On the way out we were all counted again to make sure that we were all present and accounted for, given a condom, and asked to drive safely. Perhaps they should put an age restriction on this tour!
The Tubatse plant produces mostly product for export, and it is also the most profitable mine in the BHPBilliton group.
Chrome Sex
What do Chrome Sex, Vibrators, big iron balls, and condoms have in common? Well, more than you may think, but not in the way you may think… Chrome Sex, I mean Six is a heavy dust that is produced as a result of slag – a waste by-product of smelted chrome.
We discovered this when we went on a tour at the Tubatse Works – one of the chrome mines in South Africa - nestling in the Steelpoort Valley. It is also the eleventh and last site to go live with the GSAP project at BHPBilliton.
Rules is rules
So we managed to arrange a tour for all the trainers who were keen to see what actually happens on a chrome plant - in other words, they wanted to see if what they had trained the 10 000 people was correct.
The day of the tour came, and we all went and waited like children for a school trip. We were guided by a Plant Maintenance Super User who is obviously very proud of Tubatse, and his job. He whisked us around the plant in a kombi answering most of our questions, and showing us some very interesting things along the way. He answered most of the questions that were straight forward, and but was a bit slippery on some relating to Rand values, exact tonnages, profit margin, and who owns the mineral rights. Also, was very vague around the slag dumps that were different colours…
On the day of the tour we were reminded about the rules:
· No cameras
· No cameras
· No cameras
· No tape recorders
· Oh yes, comfy shoes, clothes, and safety or sun glasses
Kinda makes you think they want to hide something ‘eh?
In fact, the no camera rule applies specifically for safety reasons – all photos must be “sanitised” before they are available for public consumption in order to promote correct use of safety equipment etc. Or so they say. Luckily I am not a conspiracy theorist.
Personal safety equipment was not issued to us, and nor did we have to attend a safety briefing as we were not actually going to be walking anywhere. We were driven around the smelter like guests of honour – negating the need for a PPE (personal protective equipment) or any other safety requirements. One of our colleagues was pregnant at the time, and they were quite hesitant to have her along in case the heat from the furnace caused her any problems.
Safety is definitely a big priority at the plant.
Heavy Metal
We piled into the kombi and our tour began. We were not allowed to open any windows without wearing glasses (unless you sat on the side where the window pane was broken), and were told to be on the look out for trucks carrying heavy metal. This is neither the music, nor the web programme, but a truck hauling red hot metal which is to be dumped. We did drive behind one, and it looked as if the truck itself were glowing. I think you could get quite a nasty burn from that!
Lucas Potgieter et al
We started at the train track where the piles of raw material are brought in. Lucas Potgieter brings the chrome in his big green and gold trucks (now there is a drug reference!?!) to the site where they are sorted and stacked in huge piles in the day bunkers. Contrary to popular belief Lucas is not an actual person but a trucking company that delivers the chrome to the smelter once it has been dug out of the ground. Those of you who have driven out to Tubatse will know the ones – they are the big trucks that drop the chrome onto our windscreens causing those irritating little pocks and cracks.
Day bunkers
The day bunkers are separate piles of ingredients that are used in the smelter. They include things like Chinese Coking Coal, Chrome, Quartz, and other secret piles of indistinguishable stuff. Also, at this stage, I would like to mention that we were not given a satisfactory answer as to why it is called a smelter and not a melter, but that is a story for another time.
Baking cookies
The smelter sends a “call” to the day bunkers causing a plate (called a vibrator) to vibrate under the relevant bunker causing the material to hop along onto a conveyor belt leading the stuff to a container. This container is some sort of enormous scale which weighs the ingredient and stops the vibrations when the required amount is in the container. The material is then conveyored into the smelter, and the next ingredient is called, and so on. When all the ingredients are there, the smelter then smelts the mixture and through some magical process I still don’t understand, chrome and slag come out the other end.
The technical details that I was able to gather include that the mixture is heated between 1700 and 2000 degrees in really big pots (see – this is really technical). There are two types of heating containers – pots and ladles. Evidently, the ladles are used for higher quality chrome product, and are treated more carefully, and looked after better than the pots. We saw a bunch of pots sitting on their heads out in the sun, packed on top of each other, and generally lying about, whereas the ladles were neatly stacked under a shelter. I still don’t really understand the difference between them, but the ladles are used to make chrome ingots which are large as a front loader
Chrome Dome
The big pots get a layer of chrome in them, and are regularly turned upside down and tapped to get the layer inside out. This is called the Hiawatha procedure. Not really.
The mixture in the pots (which is what we saw) is a red hot mixture of molten ferrochrome and slag. It is ferrous because of the high iron content in the chrome.
Also, strangely enough, although the slag floats at the top of the pot, it is always the first thing that comes out of the hole at the bottom of the pot. The slag is a waste-product, and unfortunately cannot be used for anything except building aggregate or as a concrete binder. Somehow the link between Chrome Six and slag was not covered, so we didn’t ask. The rest of the pot is about 21 tonnes of ferrochrome which is usually 43% pure chrome.
Back to the beginning again
Once the chrome has been melted (sorry, smelted), it is an even shiny black. But here’s the thing – once they have taken the small bits and made them big, they then crush them into small bits again. I wonder if that is what our guide meant when he said that it was a pity that they did not add any value, and that the product was only made more valuable once it was sold to someone else. Seriously, they are crushed and passed through a sieve and sold as dust, power, chunks, or rocks.
Apart from size, the chrome they sell is also classified by silicon content. The less the silicon, the harder it is to crush, but the more valuable.
This crushed chrome is stored again in other day bunkers, and then sent by train to wherever they are to be shipped or sold.
The slag is further refined in a chrome recovery process. Again, I am not clear on the technical details, but the chrome that comes out of this process is “shot” into a container which forms small, medium, or large chrome balls which look exactly the same as ironies – those metal marbles we all used to play with way back when.
The slag is then sent to a slag pile where it is stored and eventually sealed in concrete to avoid any contamination, even though they say there is no contamination from it. Erin Brokovic may disagree.
Other interesting facts
The way the pots work is to have that the mixture is melted by three electrodes arcing off each other and not the pot. The only problem with that was if the power goes off. If there is a loss of power, and consequently heat, it becomes difficult to get the electrodes out of the pot, and almost impossible to get the arcs going again.
In order to avoid this situation as much as possible – they have an agreement with Eskom. They have to let them know when they have planned power outages. I guess that you can negotiate this if you too pay R16 million each month.
Concrete feet – kapish?
The plant is busy reprocessing the old slag dumps to reclaim the final chrome from them, and in this process they have found all sorts of interesting things. They have found old cars, junk, and even skeletons. Well, maybe not skeletons, but when we asked if they found any bodies the tour guide answered with a comments about the next part of the tour, and a vague mumble about not being able to “prove those problems with the unions in those days”. I wonder if Jimmy Hoffa ever visited South Africa?
Did you know?
The greatest competition facing plants like Tubatse is reclaimable chrome scrap yards who currently hold 42% of the market.
Wave me goodbye
Our tour guide made a final wistful comment – that he was sad that they don’t actually add any value to the chrome, but that they sell the chrome to Japan who sell it back to us as stainless steel.
On the way out we were all counted again to make sure that we were all present and accounted for, given a condom, and asked to drive safely. Perhaps they should put an age restriction on this tour!
The Tubatse plant produces mostly product for export, and it is also the most profitable mine in the BHPBilliton group.
Project update - integration
*Written 13 January 2004 during the integration of Deloitte Consulting and the greater Deloitte and Touch inclidung legacy Human Capital Corporation
It is 35 days (give or take a few) to the green dot sale at CNA, I mean the launch of the new Deloitte brand, and people have been seen wearing their green paraphernalia in order to promote the brand. There has even been toy-toying to get the launch here faster. Certain people were even lobbed with green apples in an attempt to get the green dot imprinted upon as many of us as possible.
Apart from the green ribbons, last month you would have noticed that people were also wearing their war medals in various colours – you know, red, white, pink, green… The red one is for AIDS awareness, the white was for awareness of anti violence against women and children, the pink was for breast cancer awareness, and I can’t remember what the green one was for… ha ha.
For those of us who wore the ribbons – the rewards were many. For example, Pieter Dirk Uys would have handed you a condom and pink chocolate to highlight the topic of his talk – AIDS awareness. After using words that caused some to blush, and giving honest and frank feedback, statistics, and opinions, the entire audience was rolling in the aisles while being educated about various preventive measures which I won’t discuss here due to censorship.
Another successful venture between the newly joined groups who comprise the new Humans (Human Capital) saw the delivery of several presents, activity packs, and bags of treats to some AIDS orphans. We had a record number of people contributing from all the Humans, and the little guys had a fantastic time. The jury is still out on whether Santa, the mermaid, the fairy, and the various other dressed up people had more fun than the kids or not.
Now days, while we are waiting for the move to building 17, the beach is filling up quickly. The choice spots are taken quickly, and booked for the duration of some secret and undefined time period until each warrior goes back to battle. If you are not here before stupid o’clock in the morning, you also won’t get a parking.
All I know is Darth Mona will not be around to herd the jedis anymore. We will miss her, as she has been a fantastic villain. May the force be with you!
It is 35 days (give or take a few) to the green dot sale at CNA, I mean the launch of the new Deloitte brand, and people have been seen wearing their green paraphernalia in order to promote the brand. There has even been toy-toying to get the launch here faster. Certain people were even lobbed with green apples in an attempt to get the green dot imprinted upon as many of us as possible.
Apart from the green ribbons, last month you would have noticed that people were also wearing their war medals in various colours – you know, red, white, pink, green… The red one is for AIDS awareness, the white was for awareness of anti violence against women and children, the pink was for breast cancer awareness, and I can’t remember what the green one was for… ha ha.
For those of us who wore the ribbons – the rewards were many. For example, Pieter Dirk Uys would have handed you a condom and pink chocolate to highlight the topic of his talk – AIDS awareness. After using words that caused some to blush, and giving honest and frank feedback, statistics, and opinions, the entire audience was rolling in the aisles while being educated about various preventive measures which I won’t discuss here due to censorship.
Another successful venture between the newly joined groups who comprise the new Humans (Human Capital) saw the delivery of several presents, activity packs, and bags of treats to some AIDS orphans. We had a record number of people contributing from all the Humans, and the little guys had a fantastic time. The jury is still out on whether Santa, the mermaid, the fairy, and the various other dressed up people had more fun than the kids or not.
Now days, while we are waiting for the move to building 17, the beach is filling up quickly. The choice spots are taken quickly, and booked for the duration of some secret and undefined time period until each warrior goes back to battle. If you are not here before stupid o’clock in the morning, you also won’t get a parking.
All I know is Darth Mona will not be around to herd the jedis anymore. We will miss her, as she has been a fantastic villain. May the force be with you!
Interview with a beach bum (project update)
*Written 17 November 2003 as a project update while I was unassigned and waiting for my next project.
De Beers - A diamond is for forever, but the project is for a few days
After days and days on the beach, and yet somehow, still without a tan, I was finally reassigned to a project – the De Beers project – along with about 112 other project team members from the Deloitte Consulting Alliance. I arrived on the Monday, and by Friday, the wheels had already come off. It was one of those “been there, done that, and didn’t want the t-shirt” experiences.
There are currently only a few who understand what it means to have been “back in Nam”, and at the end of this project, there should have been hordes more, unfortunately, that was not to happen. The Director of Operations issued a brief just recently, detailing in suitably vague terms, the reasons for stopping the project. Small parts of the project are to continue, and the scope is still to be defined, but essentially, of the 112 consultants, 56 left the project by the end of the next week, leaving a very few of us at the site to continue.
Used to this type of change from all quarters, the DCA consultants simply put their Aries paraphernalia on the pile with their Braxton stuff, and carried on about their business.
The Anaconda
As a final goodbye and team unbuilding exercise, we all went and had a braai at a place in Gold Reef City. Of course, a few of us went and rode the Anaconda first. Not a quiet ride! I found that as I got off the ride to walk away down the exit path, my legs were wobbly. Perhaps I am getting a bit old, but it was still great fun. Certain people who were with us did not want to go on it, claiming they had been before. Perhaps if I had gone before I would also have chosen not to go, but then again, who knows?
Some teams organised a “ready, steady, stop” lunch, where they met to plan where they would be going after the De Beers work, or to commiserate about their upcoming lack of utilisation.
Who do you know?
As far as team work goes, all’s fair in love and war. And going onto other projects. People were asking each other which projects they were likely to go onto, and most said they did not know, even though the rumours had already started to circulate about who was going where. Now is the time to see who knows who, who will be the first onto other projects after all saying they were also not able to find billable work anywhere. Watch this space…
Trading cards
Not only do we have collector’s items of Aries shirts, pens, and note pads (unfortunately no diamonds), but we also have an additional access card which will be obsolete within one month. At De Beers, the security is incredibly well streamlined, and our access cards even have different coloured backgrounds depending on the nature of the work we do. Yellow was for the Aries project, but it will now be disbanded, and the Fast Track project which will go ahead will be renamed something else.
Of course, the consultants will probably be given more t-shirts and pens, and the cycle will continue once again. Let’s hope they don’t ask for the coffee mugs back…
Bets are doing the rounds for the new project name, but no names have been leaked yet.
The economics of projects
In my opinion, you can tell how well funded a project is by looking at three basic elements:
1. Where do the consultants sit (I have actually worked in a basement 4 floors underground before),
2. What type of chairs do they sit on, and
3. Is there hot chocolate freely available?
De Beers scores very highly on these criteria.
One of the sad things about leaving the De Beers project will be the fact that every office has windows, due to the setup and layout of the physical building. I’ll never forget this project because we all got to sit by a window and breathe real air, not the canned type.
A close second was the chairs. Normally we get the chairs that no one else wants that have been lying around for years (except at Billiton where we had the best chairs I have ever seen on a project), and scientific studies show that is one of the reasons most consultants have bad backs. It’s true.
Thirdly – not only was there hot chocolate available at the coffee stations, but water coolers, Milo, and even different flavours of herbal tea. They even have quilted double ply toilette paper here. I can honestly say I have never seen that before on a project of any kind, not even back at the beach.
The only thing that would have made this the richest project in the history of the world would be if there were full-colour printed training manuals. Time will tell on the last point, but I am not holding my breath.
Counting your eggs before they turn into chickens
In fact, there is a meeting going on at this very moment that will determine whether the DCA consultants stay on at all, and then we will all leave for the distant shores of the beach.
As ever, the life of a consultant is a changeable one. Remember that email that went around a few years back: you know you are a consultant when you have sat at the same desk for 2 years and worked for 7 different companies? Well, the reverse is also true. You know you are a true consultant when you have worked for DC at least a year during which you have sat at no less than 10 different desks, and have never stayed anywhere long enough to set up a pile of junk that had to be cleared out when you left.
Last one in the water is a rotten egg…
De Beers - A diamond is for forever, but the project is for a few days
After days and days on the beach, and yet somehow, still without a tan, I was finally reassigned to a project – the De Beers project – along with about 112 other project team members from the Deloitte Consulting Alliance. I arrived on the Monday, and by Friday, the wheels had already come off. It was one of those “been there, done that, and didn’t want the t-shirt” experiences.
There are currently only a few who understand what it means to have been “back in Nam”, and at the end of this project, there should have been hordes more, unfortunately, that was not to happen. The Director of Operations issued a brief just recently, detailing in suitably vague terms, the reasons for stopping the project. Small parts of the project are to continue, and the scope is still to be defined, but essentially, of the 112 consultants, 56 left the project by the end of the next week, leaving a very few of us at the site to continue.
Used to this type of change from all quarters, the DCA consultants simply put their Aries paraphernalia on the pile with their Braxton stuff, and carried on about their business.
The Anaconda
As a final goodbye and team unbuilding exercise, we all went and had a braai at a place in Gold Reef City. Of course, a few of us went and rode the Anaconda first. Not a quiet ride! I found that as I got off the ride to walk away down the exit path, my legs were wobbly. Perhaps I am getting a bit old, but it was still great fun. Certain people who were with us did not want to go on it, claiming they had been before. Perhaps if I had gone before I would also have chosen not to go, but then again, who knows?
Some teams organised a “ready, steady, stop” lunch, where they met to plan where they would be going after the De Beers work, or to commiserate about their upcoming lack of utilisation.
Who do you know?
As far as team work goes, all’s fair in love and war. And going onto other projects. People were asking each other which projects they were likely to go onto, and most said they did not know, even though the rumours had already started to circulate about who was going where. Now is the time to see who knows who, who will be the first onto other projects after all saying they were also not able to find billable work anywhere. Watch this space…
Trading cards
Not only do we have collector’s items of Aries shirts, pens, and note pads (unfortunately no diamonds), but we also have an additional access card which will be obsolete within one month. At De Beers, the security is incredibly well streamlined, and our access cards even have different coloured backgrounds depending on the nature of the work we do. Yellow was for the Aries project, but it will now be disbanded, and the Fast Track project which will go ahead will be renamed something else.
Of course, the consultants will probably be given more t-shirts and pens, and the cycle will continue once again. Let’s hope they don’t ask for the coffee mugs back…
Bets are doing the rounds for the new project name, but no names have been leaked yet.
The economics of projects
In my opinion, you can tell how well funded a project is by looking at three basic elements:
1. Where do the consultants sit (I have actually worked in a basement 4 floors underground before),
2. What type of chairs do they sit on, and
3. Is there hot chocolate freely available?
De Beers scores very highly on these criteria.
One of the sad things about leaving the De Beers project will be the fact that every office has windows, due to the setup and layout of the physical building. I’ll never forget this project because we all got to sit by a window and breathe real air, not the canned type.
A close second was the chairs. Normally we get the chairs that no one else wants that have been lying around for years (except at Billiton where we had the best chairs I have ever seen on a project), and scientific studies show that is one of the reasons most consultants have bad backs. It’s true.
Thirdly – not only was there hot chocolate available at the coffee stations, but water coolers, Milo, and even different flavours of herbal tea. They even have quilted double ply toilette paper here. I can honestly say I have never seen that before on a project of any kind, not even back at the beach.
The only thing that would have made this the richest project in the history of the world would be if there were full-colour printed training manuals. Time will tell on the last point, but I am not holding my breath.
Counting your eggs before they turn into chickens
In fact, there is a meeting going on at this very moment that will determine whether the DCA consultants stay on at all, and then we will all leave for the distant shores of the beach.
As ever, the life of a consultant is a changeable one. Remember that email that went around a few years back: you know you are a consultant when you have sat at the same desk for 2 years and worked for 7 different companies? Well, the reverse is also true. You know you are a true consultant when you have worked for DC at least a year during which you have sat at no less than 10 different desks, and have never stayed anywhere long enough to set up a pile of junk that had to be cleared out when you left.
Last one in the water is a rotten egg…
Company name change to Braxton
*This was written during time of change when Deloitte Consulting was going to not reintegrate with Deloitte and Touch, but was rather going to rebrand to Braxton.
With apologies to Master Card
Name change from Deloitte Consulting to Braxton - $400 mil
Reintegration with Deloitte - $700 mil
The green dot – Priceless!
With apologies to Master Card
Name change from Deloitte Consulting to Braxton - $400 mil
Reintegration with Deloitte - $700 mil
The green dot – Priceless!
Episode IV: A New Hope
*Written 18 August 2003 for an inhouse publication at a time of change - with the reintegration of the two comapines which had separated some time ago.
A long time ago in a galaxy far away…
It is a dark time for the Rebellion – the dreaded Empire, having split from the Rebels, are making a move to reintegrate the Rebel Alliance into the Empire. Negotiations continue amidst fighting about who will lead, and which weapons to use. Meanwhile, on a planet in the outer rim, news of the reintegration is just arriving. A lone Jedi narrates the story from her point of view.
There is a mysterious place that exists in legend, but I had never seen it – until now. Sporadically inhabited by those giants among men – the Deloitte-Consulting-soon-to-become-Braxton-soon-to-become-Deloitte-and-Touch consultants, this place seems to exist more as a state of mind than in an actual physical location. Of course, the place I am talking about is “The Beach”. As rumours of this place surface, other rumours also begin about a merge of the Alliance and the Empire.
Hearsay or heresy?
Like any good adventure, a fearless leader (unshaven and eccentric) and a team of unlikely heroes set out on an expensive, but funded, mission to find this mysterious place, and demystify the facts.
It all started, as any good adventure story does, with the rumours of the place, and a dirty, and possibly very old piece of paper that may or may not be a map.
I (* names and places have been changed to protect the innocent) first heard about The Beach long ago when I took my first assignment with DC. It all seemed straight forward enough – I arrived on the first day, was introduced to some of the commanders, given my weapon, rapidly shown how to use it, and immediately sent out into the field. One of the commanders made brief mention of the fact that there was a beach where people may go from time to time when they were between assignments, but that it never happened, so the newbies – including me – just assumed that it did not really exist.
The rumours persisted, however, and I started to ask questions about this place. No one I knew had actually ever seen it, or knew anyone first hand who had been there. Like all good urban legends, however, the fame of the place grew in its telling. No Learning person who had seen it had ever come back alive – making it an irresistible challenge. Finally, one day I came across a scrumpled piece of paper on the floor that looked very old, and was very dirty. This obviously led me to the conclusion that it was authentic. I could also make out strange numbers on the paper that seemed to be map coordinates. Or prices of a lunch, but it works better if you read them as coordinates. Anyway, I vowed that I would neither sleep nor eat until I had discovered the secrets of The Beach. After a nap and nice toasted cheese sarmie, I set about looking for a project sponsor to give me a large budget and a mandate to get a crew together…
Heroes and Villains
Another device that must come into play in any successful adventure is the appearance of heroes and villains. Of course, the heroes must be larger than life, and the villains must be particularly evil and malicious. In this case, however, the villains are not altogether evil, and the heroes are not particularly special.
Our first villain is a lady by the name of Darth Mona, who coordinates the space port at Mos Eisley. She leads the scurvy gang responsible for deciding which operatives are assigned to which jobs, as well as sending out bounty hunters when required to help “clean up” previous jobs.
There is a loosely-held theory that she takes bribes, although to date, no successful bribe has ever been given. Our scouts are hopeful, nonetheless. Not even the dreaded Jedi mind tricks seem to work on her… (The force is strong in this one.)
There are all sorts of elaborate alarms for detecting her presence as she walks the corridors of The Beach looking for fresh operatives to send to war. From the little intelligence I have been able to gather regarding the sub-culture that has developed among those on The Beach, the first skill one needs to develop is to avoid detection. Historically, those who have been spotted by her were never seen again, and although there are rumours spread around The Beach about those operatives being seen on other assignments, these can neither be confirmed nor denied.
I was working on a secret mission off world at the place code-named BHPBilliton, and after several months of successful work, most of the team was recommissioned and sent elsewhere. Except for me. The dreaded time had come. Would I be sent to The Beach? Would I know where to find it? Would I ever find my way back onto a mission? Would my fear lead me irrevocably to the dark side?
Mission: Impossible
For my first day of reassignment to The Beach, I went back to the head quarters where it all began. And I watched and waited... It became apparent to me there were many people on The Beach, and they seemed to breeze in and out, coming and going, being billable and not being billable. Then I started to see a pattern emerge…
It was obvious to me that one had to choose a place to sit – no trivial task. There are essentially two places to sit – upstairs or downstairs, and after months and months of empirical observation, I can state categorically that the differences between the two places are air quality, and noise factor.
The downstairs has good quality air – suitable for most life forms to breathe and thrive, whereas the upstairs air seems a bit hotter. Or perhaps the air there is not hot air, but in fact rare air. Either way, this may explain why only super-evolved operatives live up there, and why the rest of us live downstairs.
As far as the noise factor goes – this is dependent upon the day of the week, the time of the day, the proximity to the beverage and food vending machines, and the names of the operatives sitting there. Certain operatives have faulty voice modulators, and exceed the decibel limit which is laid down for our guidance. The remedy to this situation is to scout out all possible locations on The Beach (the downstairs beach) and set up a base camp as soon as you have found a suitable spot. Once claimed, the spot is yours for the day. Although there is some rule about the survival of the fittest and no individual spots, I have noticed a trend whereby certain operatives like to stay in the same location for days on end – seeming not to move to new places at all, whereas other operatives (possibly those under cover) seem to sit in a different place each day.
Rumours are starting to get around that not only is there a Beach for the Rebel Alliance, but that there is one that belongs to the Empire too! Several groups of operatives have been sent on missions to discover the truth of these allegations, and thus far, only one base has been found which was the original base of the Rebel Alliance, but seemed to have been abandoned for some time.
With the impending destruction of the Death Star, the Rebels and those loyal to the Empire will have to learn to inhabit the same beach, and reintegrate their weapons systems. If experience is anything to go by, there will be a lot of alcohol involved. After a few arguments to see whose light sabre is bigger, I have no doubt that peace and freedom will be restored to the galaxy once again. Yoda would be proud.
A long time ago in a galaxy far away…
It is a dark time for the Rebellion – the dreaded Empire, having split from the Rebels, are making a move to reintegrate the Rebel Alliance into the Empire. Negotiations continue amidst fighting about who will lead, and which weapons to use. Meanwhile, on a planet in the outer rim, news of the reintegration is just arriving. A lone Jedi narrates the story from her point of view.
There is a mysterious place that exists in legend, but I had never seen it – until now. Sporadically inhabited by those giants among men – the Deloitte-Consulting-soon-to-become-Braxton-soon-to-become-Deloitte-and-Touch consultants, this place seems to exist more as a state of mind than in an actual physical location. Of course, the place I am talking about is “The Beach”. As rumours of this place surface, other rumours also begin about a merge of the Alliance and the Empire.
Hearsay or heresy?
Like any good adventure, a fearless leader (unshaven and eccentric) and a team of unlikely heroes set out on an expensive, but funded, mission to find this mysterious place, and demystify the facts.
It all started, as any good adventure story does, with the rumours of the place, and a dirty, and possibly very old piece of paper that may or may not be a map.
I (* names and places have been changed to protect the innocent) first heard about The Beach long ago when I took my first assignment with DC. It all seemed straight forward enough – I arrived on the first day, was introduced to some of the commanders, given my weapon, rapidly shown how to use it, and immediately sent out into the field. One of the commanders made brief mention of the fact that there was a beach where people may go from time to time when they were between assignments, but that it never happened, so the newbies – including me – just assumed that it did not really exist.
The rumours persisted, however, and I started to ask questions about this place. No one I knew had actually ever seen it, or knew anyone first hand who had been there. Like all good urban legends, however, the fame of the place grew in its telling. No Learning person who had seen it had ever come back alive – making it an irresistible challenge. Finally, one day I came across a scrumpled piece of paper on the floor that looked very old, and was very dirty. This obviously led me to the conclusion that it was authentic. I could also make out strange numbers on the paper that seemed to be map coordinates. Or prices of a lunch, but it works better if you read them as coordinates. Anyway, I vowed that I would neither sleep nor eat until I had discovered the secrets of The Beach. After a nap and nice toasted cheese sarmie, I set about looking for a project sponsor to give me a large budget and a mandate to get a crew together…
Heroes and Villains
Another device that must come into play in any successful adventure is the appearance of heroes and villains. Of course, the heroes must be larger than life, and the villains must be particularly evil and malicious. In this case, however, the villains are not altogether evil, and the heroes are not particularly special.
Our first villain is a lady by the name of Darth Mona, who coordinates the space port at Mos Eisley. She leads the scurvy gang responsible for deciding which operatives are assigned to which jobs, as well as sending out bounty hunters when required to help “clean up” previous jobs.
There is a loosely-held theory that she takes bribes, although to date, no successful bribe has ever been given. Our scouts are hopeful, nonetheless. Not even the dreaded Jedi mind tricks seem to work on her… (The force is strong in this one.)
There are all sorts of elaborate alarms for detecting her presence as she walks the corridors of The Beach looking for fresh operatives to send to war. From the little intelligence I have been able to gather regarding the sub-culture that has developed among those on The Beach, the first skill one needs to develop is to avoid detection. Historically, those who have been spotted by her were never seen again, and although there are rumours spread around The Beach about those operatives being seen on other assignments, these can neither be confirmed nor denied.
I was working on a secret mission off world at the place code-named BHPBilliton, and after several months of successful work, most of the team was recommissioned and sent elsewhere. Except for me. The dreaded time had come. Would I be sent to The Beach? Would I know where to find it? Would I ever find my way back onto a mission? Would my fear lead me irrevocably to the dark side?
Mission: Impossible
For my first day of reassignment to The Beach, I went back to the head quarters where it all began. And I watched and waited... It became apparent to me there were many people on The Beach, and they seemed to breeze in and out, coming and going, being billable and not being billable. Then I started to see a pattern emerge…
It was obvious to me that one had to choose a place to sit – no trivial task. There are essentially two places to sit – upstairs or downstairs, and after months and months of empirical observation, I can state categorically that the differences between the two places are air quality, and noise factor.
The downstairs has good quality air – suitable for most life forms to breathe and thrive, whereas the upstairs air seems a bit hotter. Or perhaps the air there is not hot air, but in fact rare air. Either way, this may explain why only super-evolved operatives live up there, and why the rest of us live downstairs.
As far as the noise factor goes – this is dependent upon the day of the week, the time of the day, the proximity to the beverage and food vending machines, and the names of the operatives sitting there. Certain operatives have faulty voice modulators, and exceed the decibel limit which is laid down for our guidance. The remedy to this situation is to scout out all possible locations on The Beach (the downstairs beach) and set up a base camp as soon as you have found a suitable spot. Once claimed, the spot is yours for the day. Although there is some rule about the survival of the fittest and no individual spots, I have noticed a trend whereby certain operatives like to stay in the same location for days on end – seeming not to move to new places at all, whereas other operatives (possibly those under cover) seem to sit in a different place each day.
Rumours are starting to get around that not only is there a Beach for the Rebel Alliance, but that there is one that belongs to the Empire too! Several groups of operatives have been sent on missions to discover the truth of these allegations, and thus far, only one base has been found which was the original base of the Rebel Alliance, but seemed to have been abandoned for some time.
With the impending destruction of the Death Star, the Rebels and those loyal to the Empire will have to learn to inhabit the same beach, and reintegrate their weapons systems. If experience is anything to go by, there will be a lot of alcohol involved. After a few arguments to see whose light sabre is bigger, I have no doubt that peace and freedom will be restored to the galaxy once again. Yoda would be proud.
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