11 Aug 2006
Lady Ashford
That is the name of my cat, and always requires some explanation. I got her from the SPCA, and she was THE most scruffy-looking, the thinnest, the saddest, and most pathetic looking cat they had. But she was also the most beautiful, in her own way. She is a tortoise shell in her colouring, and has pale green eyes. She has a very soft purr, and talks a lot. All in all, a splendid specimen of a cat.
But, when I first got her, she looked to wretched and thin, that I could not help but adopt her. I looked at all the cats in the cages, and considered carefully which I was going to bring home to love. I wanted a kitten, but they had none. Then I saw her. She seemed to be what I would imagine your typical battered and abandoned cat to be – hungry, unkempt, and scruffy. So far from royalty that I decided she needed a regal name. Little did I know that she obviously owned a house and people before. In a very short period of time, with constant love, brushing, and good food, she had become the very picture of health and beauty. Only problem was, she went from 2 kilograms to 5 and a half within a few months. Now she can hardly fit through the cat door LOL.
I have spoken to my neighbours and asked them not to feed her, but they do. I know this because I have her on diet food, but she is still as fat as ever. She is not unhealthily fat as I can still feel her ribs, and she can jump, and run, and climbs my tree right to the top to catch birds (which she gives to me as presents!), so she is not house-bound at all.
They say people who have animals tend to be less stressed than those who don’t. I think that is true, and the amount of laughter she brings into the house is great. For as small as she is, she can take up the whole couch, and will often not leave space for me to sit. If I move her, she will express her disdain at being disturbed.
She also spends hours in the garden chasing the other cats away, and grovelling in the sand. Once I saw her almost red all over from the red sand in one corner of the garden. But she always takes time to groom herself and her white patches are as clean as ever when she has finished.
Guess she really is a lady after all.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Traffic Circles and 4-way stops...
Traffic Circles.
They really aren’t that difficult. Think about it.
There is only one rule – give way to people already in the circle. In South Africa, this means people on the right. It is a very simple thing. In others words, you have to be really stupid to get it wrong, and yet, I am ranting on a blog about it. Go figure…There isn’t a time when it is difficult to figure out who goes, because even if you both get to the intersection at the same time, if you both go at the same time, there won’t be a problem. You should both be able to keep going and not cause a delay of any sort. Theroretically, anyway. If there are already people in the circle, then they have the right of way. I still don’t understand how this concept is difficult.
What am I missing?
Then there are the four-way stops. Again, this should be a very simple concept. Whoever stops first, leaves first. Don’t even get me started on those people who wait for the person opposite them to go before they go, causing the people to the left or right to have to wait longer than necessary? Guess what, you can actually go at the same time as the person opposite you if you are going in the opposite direction… These people foul up the entire traffic flow, potentially doubling commuting time for people like me. I spend at least3 hours a day going to and from work. I hate these people. I find them slow (in both senses of the word) and selfish. Or what about those people who wave you on when it is your right of way simply because you have not completed coming to a complete stop? If I had a Peacemaker like Judge Dredd I believe I would incinerate such people just for being a public nuisance.
They really aren’t that difficult. Think about it.
There is only one rule – give way to people already in the circle. In South Africa, this means people on the right. It is a very simple thing. In others words, you have to be really stupid to get it wrong, and yet, I am ranting on a blog about it. Go figure…There isn’t a time when it is difficult to figure out who goes, because even if you both get to the intersection at the same time, if you both go at the same time, there won’t be a problem. You should both be able to keep going and not cause a delay of any sort. Theroretically, anyway. If there are already people in the circle, then they have the right of way. I still don’t understand how this concept is difficult.
What am I missing?
Then there are the four-way stops. Again, this should be a very simple concept. Whoever stops first, leaves first. Don’t even get me started on those people who wait for the person opposite them to go before they go, causing the people to the left or right to have to wait longer than necessary? Guess what, you can actually go at the same time as the person opposite you if you are going in the opposite direction… These people foul up the entire traffic flow, potentially doubling commuting time for people like me. I spend at least3 hours a day going to and from work. I hate these people. I find them slow (in both senses of the word) and selfish. Or what about those people who wave you on when it is your right of way simply because you have not completed coming to a complete stop? If I had a Peacemaker like Judge Dredd I believe I would incinerate such people just for being a public nuisance.
Men vs. Women Drivers
9 aug 2006
So I hate to admit it, but on the whole, I do believe that men are better drivers than women.
There are several reasons, but the top two have to be because women are too damn cautious, and men at least take the gap.
Case in point: We are all in a long line, waiting for the traffic light to change, and there are cars trying to get into the line from the right hand side - for those who don't know which side we drive on - that means they have to cross the oncoming traffic. In other words, they have to pay attention to two lanes of traffic - one being my lane to see when there is a gap to get into, and the other is to see when there is a gap to cross into the gap that is left for them.For women this appears to be an impossible task.
If you leave half a car length for a man, he will understand that you are letting him in because he is watching the cars and the drivers, as well as the oncoming traffic for gaps. At the slightest sign of a gap, he takes it, whether ot not you meant to give it to him. I decided to let a lady in who had been sitting there since I had been 100 meters up the road, so maybe 15 minutes...I looked at her to let her know I was letting her in, then I left her at least a whole car length on front of me. So when the car in front of me moved, there was PLENTY of space. This is when she only STARTED looking at the oncoming traffic... WTF?
There was oncoming traffic, perhaps 200 meters away, she waits. So I go. So she decided to go, nearly taking out the side of my car...A man would never do that.I rest my case.
See my post tomorrow for stupid behaviour at traffic circle or roundabouts (or whatever you call them in your neck of the woods).Of course, there are always exceptions, but in this case, the generalisation appears to be true.
So I hate to admit it, but on the whole, I do believe that men are better drivers than women.
There are several reasons, but the top two have to be because women are too damn cautious, and men at least take the gap.
Case in point: We are all in a long line, waiting for the traffic light to change, and there are cars trying to get into the line from the right hand side - for those who don't know which side we drive on - that means they have to cross the oncoming traffic. In other words, they have to pay attention to two lanes of traffic - one being my lane to see when there is a gap to get into, and the other is to see when there is a gap to cross into the gap that is left for them.For women this appears to be an impossible task.
If you leave half a car length for a man, he will understand that you are letting him in because he is watching the cars and the drivers, as well as the oncoming traffic for gaps. At the slightest sign of a gap, he takes it, whether ot not you meant to give it to him. I decided to let a lady in who had been sitting there since I had been 100 meters up the road, so maybe 15 minutes...I looked at her to let her know I was letting her in, then I left her at least a whole car length on front of me. So when the car in front of me moved, there was PLENTY of space. This is when she only STARTED looking at the oncoming traffic... WTF?
There was oncoming traffic, perhaps 200 meters away, she waits. So I go. So she decided to go, nearly taking out the side of my car...A man would never do that.I rest my case.
See my post tomorrow for stupid behaviour at traffic circle or roundabouts (or whatever you call them in your neck of the woods).Of course, there are always exceptions, but in this case, the generalisation appears to be true.
Random alcohol tests...
9 Aug 2006
My company has various clients, and one of the clients I work for at the moment is a large mining company. As part of the safety procedures (which are truly impressive, and zero tolerance is the name of the game).
At each mine site, there are very strict procedures that each person has to follow, and failure to adhere to every rule, no matter how small the infringement may seem is viewed in a very serious light, and may lead to disciplinary procedures, and even job loss.
One of the procedures that has been introduced at the Head Office is the random alcohol testing. The rule is that if you have been out to lunch and had any alcohol at lunch, you were not allowed back onto the premises, under ANY circumstances, for ANY reason, whatsoever.
A few months ago, they introduced a system whereby at random times throughout the day - sometimes starting first thing, often after lunch, and so on - where you would have to put your hand into a box and pull out a ball. If you drew a white one, you could go. If you drew the orange ball, you had to go into the room on the side, and blow into a breathalyser thingy to test your alcohol level. If it registered above a certain level, they would wait 10 minutes, and do it again. If it registered again, then it was grounds an immediate disciplinary hearing.
This is all good stuff, and goes to prove the company's commitment to zero harm, etc, however, there is one thing that disturbs me.
I have seen with my own eyes, how the executives refuse to take part in the random testing, how they are rude to the security guards, and how they cause unhappiness for those who are then caught.
I think it is a poor show, and I got into trouble for speaking up. Because I am not an employee, I have no right to speak in the same ways as the employees, but feel just as strongly as they do. It is either for everyone, or for no one. Surely, safety is safety, and that should include everyone.
Pepole who refuse to submit to this random test do a number of things:
>They make the guards seem ineffective, and that embarrasses them,
>They make the others not want to take the test,
>They make those who are busted not feel like the system is fair
>They bring the company and its systems into disrepute
>They cause dissention in the ranks, and spread rebellionI believe that this is something that should be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand.If you were in my position, what would you do?
My company has various clients, and one of the clients I work for at the moment is a large mining company. As part of the safety procedures (which are truly impressive, and zero tolerance is the name of the game).
At each mine site, there are very strict procedures that each person has to follow, and failure to adhere to every rule, no matter how small the infringement may seem is viewed in a very serious light, and may lead to disciplinary procedures, and even job loss.
One of the procedures that has been introduced at the Head Office is the random alcohol testing. The rule is that if you have been out to lunch and had any alcohol at lunch, you were not allowed back onto the premises, under ANY circumstances, for ANY reason, whatsoever.
A few months ago, they introduced a system whereby at random times throughout the day - sometimes starting first thing, often after lunch, and so on - where you would have to put your hand into a box and pull out a ball. If you drew a white one, you could go. If you drew the orange ball, you had to go into the room on the side, and blow into a breathalyser thingy to test your alcohol level. If it registered above a certain level, they would wait 10 minutes, and do it again. If it registered again, then it was grounds an immediate disciplinary hearing.
This is all good stuff, and goes to prove the company's commitment to zero harm, etc, however, there is one thing that disturbs me.
I have seen with my own eyes, how the executives refuse to take part in the random testing, how they are rude to the security guards, and how they cause unhappiness for those who are then caught.
I think it is a poor show, and I got into trouble for speaking up. Because I am not an employee, I have no right to speak in the same ways as the employees, but feel just as strongly as they do. It is either for everyone, or for no one. Surely, safety is safety, and that should include everyone.
Pepole who refuse to submit to this random test do a number of things:
>They make the guards seem ineffective, and that embarrasses them,
>They make the others not want to take the test,
>They make those who are busted not feel like the system is fair
>They bring the company and its systems into disrepute
>They cause dissention in the ranks, and spread rebellionI believe that this is something that should be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand.If you were in my position, what would you do?
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk
Not an original post, but really funny
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d)Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d)Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
What is the correct protocol for buying drinks at a first meeting?
20 June 2006
I just got back from a first meeting, (If he ever speaks to me again I will let you know what I thought, although I will was so shy and nervous I suspect he thought I was not into the meeting...), and on the way home I realised that I did not offer to pay for my drinks, or even a round at any stage. Nor for the snacks we ate. Surely this is very bad manners, not to mention some breach of protocol?
What should I have done?
Thanks...
I should have offered to buy a round of drinks...
I should have offered to pay for the snacks...
I should have offered to pay for half of the bill...
I should not worry; he would have asked if he wanted you to pay...
It's okay, at a first meeting; it is usual for the man to but the drinks...
You silly woman, at a first meeting, it is usual for the woman to buy the drinks...
Don't worry, it depends on the situation, and it was probably OK...
Next time, you can buy the drinks...
You suck - he will never want to see you again... Ha ha - you worry too much...
I just got back from a first meeting, (If he ever speaks to me again I will let you know what I thought, although I will was so shy and nervous I suspect he thought I was not into the meeting...), and on the way home I realised that I did not offer to pay for my drinks, or even a round at any stage. Nor for the snacks we ate. Surely this is very bad manners, not to mention some breach of protocol?
What should I have done?
Thanks...
I should have offered to buy a round of drinks...
I should have offered to pay for the snacks...
I should have offered to pay for half of the bill...
I should not worry; he would have asked if he wanted you to pay...
It's okay, at a first meeting; it is usual for the man to but the drinks...
You silly woman, at a first meeting, it is usual for the woman to buy the drinks...
Don't worry, it depends on the situation, and it was probably OK...
Next time, you can buy the drinks...
You suck - he will never want to see you again... Ha ha - you worry too much...
Sunday, July 16, 2006
You dunno what you’ve got till it’s gone
This is also true if you don’t know what you don’t have till you have something better. It was my birthday on Friday, and I got a new TV. WOOHOO!
I had a crappy, old, tiny, flickering, faded colour picture that went kinda skew. It also did not have a remote, and used to lose its stations sometimes. It also didn’t have the ability to have a DVD plugged into it.
But now I have a full colour, singing, dancing, multi media.
Thanks guys – you don’t understand how much it means to me…
I had a crappy, old, tiny, flickering, faded colour picture that went kinda skew. It also did not have a remote, and used to lose its stations sometimes. It also didn’t have the ability to have a DVD plugged into it.
But now I have a full colour, singing, dancing, multi media.
Thanks guys – you don’t understand how much it means to me…
The sleep of the dead
I can always tell when I am depressed, because I can’t get to sleep, and then when I am asleep, I cannot wake up. I seem to suffer from some sort of insomnia.
Last week, on Thursday, I woke up at 8:30am. Now, aside from the fact that I should have been at work long before that, the thing I wish to point out is that instead of leaving my home nay time between 6:45 and 7:45am (which then takes me at least one and a half hours to my client’s office in Joburg city centre) I left at 9:00, and drove into the parking garage at 9:26.
F*ck I hate the traffic.
Last week, on Thursday, I woke up at 8:30am. Now, aside from the fact that I should have been at work long before that, the thing I wish to point out is that instead of leaving my home nay time between 6:45 and 7:45am (which then takes me at least one and a half hours to my client’s office in Joburg city centre) I left at 9:00, and drove into the parking garage at 9:26.
F*ck I hate the traffic.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I'f I am a clown, then he's a pirate...
I drove in to work yesterday next to a pirate.
Yes, an actual pirate.
I say that with hesitation, because I don't know what lobby group is going to pounce on me and claim a swiz, or get me to retract my statement stating unfair treatment of a minority, yadda yadda yadda.
Well, all I can say to that is if I am a clown, then he is a pirate.
I can juggle three balls like a clown (it is really the only useful thing I learned at my first job, aside from being able to touch type), and I was waiting for a lift on the sidewalk, juggling to hone my skills, when a mother and daughter walked past. The little girl said loudly (as only children can, in such an un-self-conscious way) "look Mom, a clown!”
So, there he was, a man who at first glance just looked to have the WORST pudding bowl hair cut in the history of the world, which luckily (for him and the girls he will date, cos now they don't have to say anything) turned out to be the elastic band of his eye patch.
I always thought people with one eye had little or no depth perception? I guess not, if he can drive a car.
But then, with the driving in this country, he would probably still be among the best drivers on the road...
Yes, an actual pirate.
I say that with hesitation, because I don't know what lobby group is going to pounce on me and claim a swiz, or get me to retract my statement stating unfair treatment of a minority, yadda yadda yadda.
Well, all I can say to that is if I am a clown, then he is a pirate.
I can juggle three balls like a clown (it is really the only useful thing I learned at my first job, aside from being able to touch type), and I was waiting for a lift on the sidewalk, juggling to hone my skills, when a mother and daughter walked past. The little girl said loudly (as only children can, in such an un-self-conscious way) "look Mom, a clown!”
So, there he was, a man who at first glance just looked to have the WORST pudding bowl hair cut in the history of the world, which luckily (for him and the girls he will date, cos now they don't have to say anything) turned out to be the elastic band of his eye patch.
I always thought people with one eye had little or no depth perception? I guess not, if he can drive a car.
But then, with the driving in this country, he would probably still be among the best drivers on the road...
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
The Hadedas are coming, the Hadedas are coming
Today as I was driving home, I saw a crow on the road, and I immediately thought of that Gary Larson cartoon that show the “secret tools of crows” and shows them using ketchup for the road kill that is already a bit too stinky and needs a little help in the flavour department. I love Gary Larson. I think he is one of the unrecognised geniuses (or should that be genii??) of our time. Him, and the creator of Calvin and Hobbs, but I digress…
Then I got to remembering the pet crow we once had. He looked very similar, also a pied crow, alike in height, and markings. The crow we had came to us when he was very little, and was the cutest thing you have ever seen.
Like all small children do, my brother have him a truly unique name: “Crow”. He used to come to my brother when he called him, and would say his name a lot. Some days I still think my brother is really an animal whisperer…
We had to feed him three times a day, and make sure that his cage was clean. This, at any rate was not a problem. Baby crows are born with some collective knowledge - somehow knowing that they should aim and squirt any bodily functions OUTSIDE the cage as far as possible. I am not joking.
As I remember, my Mother was away during that period, and my Dad just put sheets over everything in the room and closed the door. I guess he figured that we could clean it all up at the end… You cannot believe the mess it made.
We used to teach the crow to talk to us, and always called it for food by saying “meeeeeat, meeeeeeat”. Not unexpectedly, it used to say “meeat” when it was hungry. Ha ha.
Did you know that crows are like magpies? They will steal anything shiny that you leave lying around, such as your watch, or earrings, or necklace that you take off and leave on the ground by your towel when you go swimming… Our crow had several hidey holes that we used to have to hunt for to reclaim our treasure. For years after the crow went to the big hunting ground in the sky, we used to find lost items. There may be some still hiding…
There are no crows directly near where I live, but unfortunately I have heard one or two Hadedas… One of the things I was glad about when moving into the neighbourhood, was that despite a large variety of wildlife and birdlife, there were ABSOLUTELY NO HADEDAS. Now the silly beggars wake me up at stupid o’clock. And where there is one, more always follow…
Are there humane ways to encourage them to go elsewhere? Anyone? …
Then I got to remembering the pet crow we once had. He looked very similar, also a pied crow, alike in height, and markings. The crow we had came to us when he was very little, and was the cutest thing you have ever seen.
Like all small children do, my brother have him a truly unique name: “Crow”. He used to come to my brother when he called him, and would say his name a lot. Some days I still think my brother is really an animal whisperer…
We had to feed him three times a day, and make sure that his cage was clean. This, at any rate was not a problem. Baby crows are born with some collective knowledge - somehow knowing that they should aim and squirt any bodily functions OUTSIDE the cage as far as possible. I am not joking.
As I remember, my Mother was away during that period, and my Dad just put sheets over everything in the room and closed the door. I guess he figured that we could clean it all up at the end… You cannot believe the mess it made.
We used to teach the crow to talk to us, and always called it for food by saying “meeeeeat, meeeeeeat”. Not unexpectedly, it used to say “meeat” when it was hungry. Ha ha.
Did you know that crows are like magpies? They will steal anything shiny that you leave lying around, such as your watch, or earrings, or necklace that you take off and leave on the ground by your towel when you go swimming… Our crow had several hidey holes that we used to have to hunt for to reclaim our treasure. For years after the crow went to the big hunting ground in the sky, we used to find lost items. There may be some still hiding…
There are no crows directly near where I live, but unfortunately I have heard one or two Hadedas… One of the things I was glad about when moving into the neighbourhood, was that despite a large variety of wildlife and birdlife, there were ABSOLUTELY NO HADEDAS. Now the silly beggars wake me up at stupid o’clock. And where there is one, more always follow…
Are there humane ways to encourage them to go elsewhere? Anyone? …
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Blue screen of death!!!!
So, my mother describes me as working in IT, and in fact, I used to be an IT consultant, but that area is so wide that I don’t mind admitting that I am fairly clueless when my computer decides to do whatever it wants, and I can’t fix it…
It is damn frustrating, because there are many computer-related issues that I can fix on my own, but there area many things I cannot. For the last month or so, I have noticed a steady decline in the reliability of my machine, and I know all about the bathtub curve. I know that my machine has done sterling service, and in terms of technology half-life – it has done more than its share of work. It has served me very well for more than 5 years, and I will be very sad to say goodbye to it. You know what it’s like – you get used to where the keys are, and all laptop keyboards have slightly different positioning for the Enter key, the backslash key, and the backspace key, so I am not looking forward to the change. But, change is mostly good, so perhaps it is time for my laptop to go home to all the other laptops in the sky where it will be able to rest…
First, though, I will try reformatting the hard drive, and reloading all my stuff, but in my experience, one you start getting disk errors, the game is over. If you see me online, then yo know I succeeded. If not, then it is me – zero, technology – bazillions.
If only I did not spend all that money I saved on new tyres for my car… What a difficult choice to make for a girl to make – safety on the road, or being able to chat with her friends…
:)
It is damn frustrating, because there are many computer-related issues that I can fix on my own, but there area many things I cannot. For the last month or so, I have noticed a steady decline in the reliability of my machine, and I know all about the bathtub curve. I know that my machine has done sterling service, and in terms of technology half-life – it has done more than its share of work. It has served me very well for more than 5 years, and I will be very sad to say goodbye to it. You know what it’s like – you get used to where the keys are, and all laptop keyboards have slightly different positioning for the Enter key, the backslash key, and the backspace key, so I am not looking forward to the change. But, change is mostly good, so perhaps it is time for my laptop to go home to all the other laptops in the sky where it will be able to rest…
First, though, I will try reformatting the hard drive, and reloading all my stuff, but in my experience, one you start getting disk errors, the game is over. If you see me online, then yo know I succeeded. If not, then it is me – zero, technology – bazillions.
If only I did not spend all that money I saved on new tyres for my car… What a difficult choice to make for a girl to make – safety on the road, or being able to chat with her friends…
:)
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Timing is everything
So I went to Centurion yesterday evening to meet a friend for a movie, and I have noticed that EVERY SINGLE FREAKING traffic light catches you on red, no matter how fast or slow you drive, or whether your turn or go straight. Is this a new diabolical plan to curb road rage or increase it? F*************************CK!
Catch a wake up guys – DON”T DO THAT.
Catch a wake up guys – DON”T DO THAT.
When the law is behind technology, and the idiots are in front
The other day, on my way to work, I was stuck behind a man who was driving like, well, a woman. I hesitate to say it – but in my experience, this is one generalisation that holds true. Most women drive like idiots because they are too cautious, drive too defensively, and therefore, cause the free flow of traffic to be interrupted. More on this later…
Anyway, the guy in front of me was driving at 90 in the fast lane, but there were trucks in the two slow lanes doing like 70 and 50 respectively, so there was nowhere else to go. To make matters worse, the guy had a free-flow exhaust, a retrofitted tail fin, the fattest takkies you have ever seen (possibly too fat for the turning circle on the car) and I could see a TV screen on his dashboard. Needless to say – he was watching something. But wait – that’s not all. He was also on his cell phone. WTF?
I heard on the radio last month that although mobile DVD players and TVs in cars are not illegal yet, (because there has never been a need for such a law…) they are looking at bringing in such a law. So this menace in front of me, causing a backlog of traffic back for two turn-offs, was in fact only committing one illegal act – one which carries only a R500 fine. And two crimes of stupidity. I think it may be time to pour more chlorine into the gene pool.
Too bad the cops we drove past were not interested in doing anything about it…
Anyway, the guy in front of me was driving at 90 in the fast lane, but there were trucks in the two slow lanes doing like 70 and 50 respectively, so there was nowhere else to go. To make matters worse, the guy had a free-flow exhaust, a retrofitted tail fin, the fattest takkies you have ever seen (possibly too fat for the turning circle on the car) and I could see a TV screen on his dashboard. Needless to say – he was watching something. But wait – that’s not all. He was also on his cell phone. WTF?
I heard on the radio last month that although mobile DVD players and TVs in cars are not illegal yet, (because there has never been a need for such a law…) they are looking at bringing in such a law. So this menace in front of me, causing a backlog of traffic back for two turn-offs, was in fact only committing one illegal act – one which carries only a R500 fine. And two crimes of stupidity. I think it may be time to pour more chlorine into the gene pool.
Too bad the cops we drove past were not interested in doing anything about it…
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Is Riaan Cruywagen an Android?
Those of you who are older than 12 will remember that television has not always been around in this country. In fact, I can still remember when we got ours. 1976 I think was the year. It was very exciting. We used to watch the test pattern. It had groovy colours and everything. It didn’t do anything except have colours so you could tune your TV. It didn’t move, and it didn’t change. But it was exciting none the less.
Then there were the programmes. More about that later. But there was one news reader in particular who read the news then who is still reading the news now. Riaan Cruywagen. And if you see the snippets they show occasionally of how things have changed since then, you will see that he looks EXACTLY the same.
Now rumour has it that he suffered from cancer, and everyone knows he wears a rug, so that takes care of the hair. But what about the skin colour and lack of wrinkles? And have you ever watched him speak? I had to study news readers for my singing course – to see how frugal they are with facial movement (good vocal technique comes from the tongue and back of the throat or something…) and if you watch him he does not move a muscle except his lips. Not his shoulders, not his mouth, not his cheeks, not his anything. Other news readers are never as good as that.
Let’s look at this from a scientific perspective:
Fact 1: the man has not aged in 30 years. His skin tone has not changed, his colouring has not changed, and his hair has not changed
Fact 2: the man does not waste any superfluous movement in his face when he talks – almost as if he can’t help not doing it…
Fact 3 the man pronounces every single word correctly. No human could have 100% error free speech for that long…
Fact 4: the man never gets rattled, and I have never seen him make a mistake
Fact 5: the man’s skin colouring looks exactly like Commander Data from Star Trek. Coincidence? If they cannot get a correct human pallor even in the 24th century, how can we be expected to do it now in the 21st?
Fact 6: the man’s eyes don’t change when he smiles, and he does smile…
Individually, these facts are suggestive. Taken together, I submit that they are conclusive, and must be correct.
I could be wrong, but I was only wrong once before - I thought I was wrong…
Then there were the programmes. More about that later. But there was one news reader in particular who read the news then who is still reading the news now. Riaan Cruywagen. And if you see the snippets they show occasionally of how things have changed since then, you will see that he looks EXACTLY the same.
Now rumour has it that he suffered from cancer, and everyone knows he wears a rug, so that takes care of the hair. But what about the skin colour and lack of wrinkles? And have you ever watched him speak? I had to study news readers for my singing course – to see how frugal they are with facial movement (good vocal technique comes from the tongue and back of the throat or something…) and if you watch him he does not move a muscle except his lips. Not his shoulders, not his mouth, not his cheeks, not his anything. Other news readers are never as good as that.
Let’s look at this from a scientific perspective:
Fact 1: the man has not aged in 30 years. His skin tone has not changed, his colouring has not changed, and his hair has not changed
Fact 2: the man does not waste any superfluous movement in his face when he talks – almost as if he can’t help not doing it…
Fact 3 the man pronounces every single word correctly. No human could have 100% error free speech for that long…
Fact 4: the man never gets rattled, and I have never seen him make a mistake
Fact 5: the man’s skin colouring looks exactly like Commander Data from Star Trek. Coincidence? If they cannot get a correct human pallor even in the 24th century, how can we be expected to do it now in the 21st?
Fact 6: the man’s eyes don’t change when he smiles, and he does smile…
Individually, these facts are suggestive. Taken together, I submit that they are conclusive, and must be correct.
I could be wrong, but I was only wrong once before - I thought I was wrong…
Friday, April 28, 2006
WTF
Okay, so there is an even BIGGER guy out there now. The other evening the Undertaker and Marc Henry were gong at it - two of the WWE's largest and most agressively brilliant wrestlers without being OTT like Kane (who I personally think is just a psycho [and it is probably just marketed that way,,,]) when another hulking brute of a man walked in and stepped over the top rope as if it were just a tiny ostacle.
Now, Taker must be 6 foot 7, (no, I am not obsessed to the point where I know the EXACT stats of each wrestler), but he must be one of, if not THE tallest man around, and this new-comer towered over him. Taker came up to just under his nose.
!!!!!
And he did not look like a freak either. He looked a bit like the character Jaws from the James Bond movies, but without the bling in his mouth. With one overhand chop he knocked the Undertaker down. It was extraordinary.
I still don't know who he was - the announcers didn't say. I guess it is time to watch the next installment. And you say it isn't a soapie...
Now, Taker must be 6 foot 7, (no, I am not obsessed to the point where I know the EXACT stats of each wrestler), but he must be one of, if not THE tallest man around, and this new-comer towered over him. Taker came up to just under his nose.
!!!!!
And he did not look like a freak either. He looked a bit like the character Jaws from the James Bond movies, but without the bling in his mouth. With one overhand chop he knocked the Undertaker down. It was extraordinary.
I still don't know who he was - the announcers didn't say. I guess it is time to watch the next installment. And you say it isn't a soapie...
Monday, April 24, 2006
Sad sad day
Well – I watched with anticipation to see the Champ return – Yup – John Cena beat Triple H at Wrestle Mania 22, retaining his title. As he stepped out into the ring at Chicago to be welcomed by his fans roaring at his success, he asked them to turn his music off so he could bask in the chants and screams of his adoring fans praising him.
Okay – he deserved that. Maybe.
Then he went a little overboard. He started with a speech in which he started talking about what it means to be the champ, and basically that it means that you have to step up to each challenge and represent the best of the WWE at all times, blah blah, and that you may not always feel your best but you have to be ready etc. Then as he was still speaking, Triple H’s logo and music came on, and he strutted down into the ring with the ring with John Cena.
Then followed a lot of the usual posturing with Triple H saying that he wanted a rematch, and that the only reason Cena beat him was because he made the same mistake everyone else was beaten by him - that he had underestimated him, but that he wanted a rematch… and then something even more exciting happened. Edge and Lita also came down. The Rated R Superstar started shooting his mouth off at Hunter – saying that if anyone should get a chance at the title it was him (Edge) and not the self-promoting Triple H. In fact, he went so far as to say that he should get to the back of the line and let the next guy step up and take the shot. Of course – Lita, whose boobs never quite seem to stay in her tops (no matter what she wears), was just standing there supporting her man, nodding sagely, and looking for another opportunity to shake her pretty little pony tail in agreement. But then, the pawpaw really hit the fan.
Triple H and Edge decided to team up against Cena in a handicap match for the title. Now a smart man would have run away, but I guess Cena is either not too bright, or just too damn proud, because instead of walking away, he took the match. And consequently, he lost. Bye bye title, and bye bye WWE belt.
I guess he can get it back, but knowing Vince McMahon, that aint gonna happen any time soon. I think that both HBK and Cena are in the dog box now, and are going to learn the real meaning of pain.
And you were my hero. Why did you go and do such a stupid thing? In the words of the commentators – this was a cheque your body could not cash.
I guess the Champ is no longer here, and this time, we really can’t see you.
Okay – he deserved that. Maybe.
Then he went a little overboard. He started with a speech in which he started talking about what it means to be the champ, and basically that it means that you have to step up to each challenge and represent the best of the WWE at all times, blah blah, and that you may not always feel your best but you have to be ready etc. Then as he was still speaking, Triple H’s logo and music came on, and he strutted down into the ring with the ring with John Cena.
Then followed a lot of the usual posturing with Triple H saying that he wanted a rematch, and that the only reason Cena beat him was because he made the same mistake everyone else was beaten by him - that he had underestimated him, but that he wanted a rematch… and then something even more exciting happened. Edge and Lita also came down. The Rated R Superstar started shooting his mouth off at Hunter – saying that if anyone should get a chance at the title it was him (Edge) and not the self-promoting Triple H. In fact, he went so far as to say that he should get to the back of the line and let the next guy step up and take the shot. Of course – Lita, whose boobs never quite seem to stay in her tops (no matter what she wears), was just standing there supporting her man, nodding sagely, and looking for another opportunity to shake her pretty little pony tail in agreement. But then, the pawpaw really hit the fan.
Triple H and Edge decided to team up against Cena in a handicap match for the title. Now a smart man would have run away, but I guess Cena is either not too bright, or just too damn proud, because instead of walking away, he took the match. And consequently, he lost. Bye bye title, and bye bye WWE belt.
I guess he can get it back, but knowing Vince McMahon, that aint gonna happen any time soon. I think that both HBK and Cena are in the dog box now, and are going to learn the real meaning of pain.
And you were my hero. Why did you go and do such a stupid thing? In the words of the commentators – this was a cheque your body could not cash.
I guess the Champ is no longer here, and this time, we really can’t see you.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The Legend Killer versus Rey Mysterio
Hey Randy – you keep on about how you beat Rey. Guess what. You only just beat him each time, and it takes at least 20 minutes. Plus, you have a significant weight advantage over him. You weigh like 245 pounds, and he weighs like 165 pounds.
Have you figured it out yet? With one or two more pounds, he would seriously stopm your @ss into the ground!
You may have been the youngest World heavyweight champion in the world, but that was for about 5 minutes. Seriously. Go away. You need someone to slap some sense into you. That or just lose the attitude. People used to be behind you, now they snigger behind you. Don’t you get it?
Have you figured it out yet? With one or two more pounds, he would seriously stopm your @ss into the ground!
You may have been the youngest World heavyweight champion in the world, but that was for about 5 minutes. Seriously. Go away. You need someone to slap some sense into you. That or just lose the attitude. People used to be behind you, now they snigger behind you. Don’t you get it?
Wrestle Mania 22
I was thinking about John Cena and Dave Batista, and the Game – Triple H.
Compare them physically, and you will see what I mean when I say that John and Dave are the best proportioned of the wrestlers (yes, I am leaving out a few that could be in there, but they are too arrogant and frankly not quite as beautiful – their muscle shapes are not as well proportioned IN MY OPINION).
Batista has a lot more muscle mass, and is clearly much bigger that John, John looks much more normal, and could almost pass as a person who does not pump iron, if you caught a quick glimpse of him.
The Game, on the other hand, is a big blob in comparison. His head kind of slopes into his shoulders and down pinching in at the top of his brookies which make him look fat. Now, they are not fat – I know this. They probably have less body fat than a block of ice, but Triple H LOOKS FAT because he is not as defined. Perhaps he was once, I don’t know.
And herein lies the ultimate test. I remember once my Dad told me a story about Sumo wrestlers, and we watched a match where an older Sumo who had the weight advantage by at least half lost to a younger Sumo who was new school. My Dad told me that it was because they new philosophy was that weight was no longer the thing, but training and strength in the right places, (or something like that) was the thing – thus the age old Japanese philosophy of new things versus old, where old doesn’t always win was shown again.
I believe within myself, and not only because I think that John Cena is a better wrestler, but because it is time for a change of guard, that WM22 will show the new philosophy of new beating old. Cena beating the Game will hold true.
That is unless they have already decided on the winner, and certain contractual obligations will supersede any crowd demands, and the Game will have to win this time.
What a pity that would be.
Compare them physically, and you will see what I mean when I say that John and Dave are the best proportioned of the wrestlers (yes, I am leaving out a few that could be in there, but they are too arrogant and frankly not quite as beautiful – their muscle shapes are not as well proportioned IN MY OPINION).
Batista has a lot more muscle mass, and is clearly much bigger that John, John looks much more normal, and could almost pass as a person who does not pump iron, if you caught a quick glimpse of him.
The Game, on the other hand, is a big blob in comparison. His head kind of slopes into his shoulders and down pinching in at the top of his brookies which make him look fat. Now, they are not fat – I know this. They probably have less body fat than a block of ice, but Triple H LOOKS FAT because he is not as defined. Perhaps he was once, I don’t know.
And herein lies the ultimate test. I remember once my Dad told me a story about Sumo wrestlers, and we watched a match where an older Sumo who had the weight advantage by at least half lost to a younger Sumo who was new school. My Dad told me that it was because they new philosophy was that weight was no longer the thing, but training and strength in the right places, (or something like that) was the thing – thus the age old Japanese philosophy of new things versus old, where old doesn’t always win was shown again.
I believe within myself, and not only because I think that John Cena is a better wrestler, but because it is time for a change of guard, that WM22 will show the new philosophy of new beating old. Cena beating the Game will hold true.
That is unless they have already decided on the winner, and certain contractual obligations will supersede any crowd demands, and the Game will have to win this time.
What a pity that would be.
2006 WWE Hall of Fame Inductees
Last night when I was writing this article, (actually at 3am this morning after shots were fired in my neighbourhood and I could not go back to sleep) it sounded a lot better – as things tend to. But I am going to post it anyway, since I am giving myself permission to have fun more – yes – thanks to Doctor Phil, but that is another story for another time…
On Sunday evening, the WWE announcers were doing their thing, as ever, and this time it was highlights about the 2006 Hall of Fame Inductees. Of course, first on the list was Eddie Guerrero, and then they showed a highlight reel showing scenes from his career.
Being a relatively new fan to the sport – there were several tings I did not know about this super star, and as always, you have to wonder what the criteria are for selecting the Hall of Famers.
For example, would he have been selected so soon if he had not died? Would he have been selected at all? Would he have been selected if he were not such a crowd favourite? Would he have been selected if he were not from “the first family of wrestling in Mexico”? (Does that mean first as in presidential?). Would he have been chosen if he had taken away Rey’s (or was it really his?) son?
Who knows? I certainly don’t. All I know is that he has had a tremendous wrestling career, and was a charismatic man who knew how to play to the crowd. His tag line (if you will) was lyin’ cheatin’ stealin’, and was known as Latino Heat. He was the loosest man (and no Vince – you don’t count – you just look stupid when you strut, like you have a carrot up your bum and the rest of you is put together with pins) who lived and would almost dance in the ring when was in the spotlight. Hi lived with true Latino passion, and lived out there for all to see – with his triumphs and tribulations.
It was clear that he loved his family (whatever else he did or did not do to and with them), and equally, his friends. It was clear from the highlight reel that he did have genuine friends, and is genuinely missed in his fraternity.
I think that if Vince did have anything to do with this decision, it is the first good one he has ever made.
On Sunday evening, the WWE announcers were doing their thing, as ever, and this time it was highlights about the 2006 Hall of Fame Inductees. Of course, first on the list was Eddie Guerrero, and then they showed a highlight reel showing scenes from his career.
Being a relatively new fan to the sport – there were several tings I did not know about this super star, and as always, you have to wonder what the criteria are for selecting the Hall of Famers.
For example, would he have been selected so soon if he had not died? Would he have been selected at all? Would he have been selected if he were not such a crowd favourite? Would he have been selected if he were not from “the first family of wrestling in Mexico”? (Does that mean first as in presidential?). Would he have been chosen if he had taken away Rey’s (or was it really his?) son?
Who knows? I certainly don’t. All I know is that he has had a tremendous wrestling career, and was a charismatic man who knew how to play to the crowd. His tag line (if you will) was lyin’ cheatin’ stealin’, and was known as Latino Heat. He was the loosest man (and no Vince – you don’t count – you just look stupid when you strut, like you have a carrot up your bum and the rest of you is put together with pins) who lived and would almost dance in the ring when was in the spotlight. Hi lived with true Latino passion, and lived out there for all to see – with his triumphs and tribulations.
It was clear that he loved his family (whatever else he did or did not do to and with them), and equally, his friends. It was clear from the highlight reel that he did have genuine friends, and is genuinely missed in his fraternity.
I think that if Vince did have anything to do with this decision, it is the first good one he has ever made.
Monday, March 27, 2006
okay, it's wrestling again...
yestery, I was watching the wresting. (Surprise, surprise). And I was the World Champion (John Cena, of course) list the Big Show (no small man at 500 pounds) over his head and slam him down giving him the advangtage, allowing him to pin him and win the match. According to the conversion tool on my cell phone that is a staggering 226 kilograms. That is amazing if you actually think about it. I do realise that John is a big man himself, and probably weighs 220, 230 pounds himself, but even so, that is staggering. He picked him up as if he weighed nothing. No veins popped out on his neck or anything. I am in awe of him. He is indeed worthy of holding on to his title.
Now normally, these types of matches are won by other means - cheating, trickery, kicking in rude places, but if you watch wrestling, you will know that John Cena is one of the good guys, and never stoops to doing anything of that sort. He is truly worthy of his followers, children and adults alike - the Chain Gang as they are known, and he is also (like Batista) one of the best proportioned wrestlers, looking normal, and therefore deceptively human. Perhaps this is why it was such a feat of superhuman strength when he picked up the Big Show and slammed him down, showing his mastery of the ring once again.
I know it surprised the commentators, but then - it really is an act, and all a show, but watching from the ramp was the Game (who used to be THE man, but has questionable ethics and moral values, and is known for cheating and double-teaming), and even he was visibly surprised and was clearly mouthing words which showed his surprise. Then what followed was the typical alpha male behaviour of "you and me at WrestleMania" crap etc, but we all know who will win.
Go John Go.
The Chain Gang will there to support you, and unless there is cheating, and sledge hammers hidden under the ring by the Game, you WILL win.
There are still heros out there for children to look up to, and I am glad. I just hope he does not do drugs on the sly...
Now normally, these types of matches are won by other means - cheating, trickery, kicking in rude places, but if you watch wrestling, you will know that John Cena is one of the good guys, and never stoops to doing anything of that sort. He is truly worthy of his followers, children and adults alike - the Chain Gang as they are known, and he is also (like Batista) one of the best proportioned wrestlers, looking normal, and therefore deceptively human. Perhaps this is why it was such a feat of superhuman strength when he picked up the Big Show and slammed him down, showing his mastery of the ring once again.
I know it surprised the commentators, but then - it really is an act, and all a show, but watching from the ramp was the Game (who used to be THE man, but has questionable ethics and moral values, and is known for cheating and double-teaming), and even he was visibly surprised and was clearly mouthing words which showed his surprise. Then what followed was the typical alpha male behaviour of "you and me at WrestleMania" crap etc, but we all know who will win.
Go John Go.
The Chain Gang will there to support you, and unless there is cheating, and sledge hammers hidden under the ring by the Game, you WILL win.
There are still heros out there for children to look up to, and I am glad. I just hope he does not do drugs on the sly...
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