Rantings of the insecure

I was at dinner last night with a friend, and while we were eating, he held up a dinner plate, and said “pretend it is a mirror: - do you love the person you see in there?”

I am not sure exactly what nerve it was he hit with that comment, but some secret and well-guarded emotion inside me broke open and I started crying. It suddenly struck me that I don’t really like myself very much, even after years of work at self-esteem, and self-nurturing (something which I am still learning how to do). I am very good at finding fault with myself, and can tell you lists of what I have done wrong from moment to moment of practically each day of my life for ever. But I find it difficult to see any good things. I am working at this, and I thought I had made some progress, but after crying in the restaurant and causing a good friend great discomfort, I wonder if I will ever be able to really accept myself and love the person I am.

How people love themselves? How do people who love themselves, treat themselves? How do they act? How do they get to love themselves in the first place? How can we love ourselves when we are all so flawed and ugly on the inside?

I guess this is a “glass half empty” view and not a “glass half full” view. This is the struggle I am facing – how much weight should negative attributes have in comparison to positive ones? For example, if we have two negatives and four positives, do they cancel each other out? What about one really good one with three slightly bad ones? I don’t know. I do know that we all have good and bad things in us – this is what makes us who we are. I guess it is all part of the plan, but I don’t understand. How can I come to terms with the bad stuff in me? How can I accept that I am not, and never will be, perfect? I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I also don’t know where the journey started, or where it will end, but I do know that I like myself a little bit more each day, but it is not yet enough. It is not enough because I still cry at night when I think about who my friends are, and why they are my friends. There are also times when this causes me to sabotage myself, and I am so mean to my friends that I do chase them away. Almost like I challenge them to see if they will stay when I show them how horrible I can be.

I am sorry.

Maybe if I can be nicer to myself, I can be nicer to you – if you have hung around long enough to see any of the good stuff… perhaps I will have friends who have stayed and have taught be love myself. Thanks.

Tick tock