*Written 18 August 2003 for an inhouse publication at a time of change - with the reintegration of the two comapines which had separated some time ago.
A long time ago in a galaxy far away…
It is a dark time for the Rebellion – the dreaded Empire, having split from the Rebels, are making a move to reintegrate the Rebel Alliance into the Empire. Negotiations continue amidst fighting about who will lead, and which weapons to use. Meanwhile, on a planet in the outer rim, news of the reintegration is just arriving. A lone Jedi narrates the story from her point of view.
There is a mysterious place that exists in legend, but I had never seen it – until now. Sporadically inhabited by those giants among men – the Deloitte-Consulting-soon-to-become-Braxton-soon-to-become-Deloitte-and-Touch consultants, this place seems to exist more as a state of mind than in an actual physical location. Of course, the place I am talking about is “The Beach”. As rumours of this place surface, other rumours also begin about a merge of the Alliance and the Empire.
Hearsay or heresy?
Like any good adventure, a fearless leader (unshaven and eccentric) and a team of unlikely heroes set out on an expensive, but funded, mission to find this mysterious place, and demystify the facts.
It all started, as any good adventure story does, with the rumours of the place, and a dirty, and possibly very old piece of paper that may or may not be a map.
I (* names and places have been changed to protect the innocent) first heard about The Beach long ago when I took my first assignment with DC. It all seemed straight forward enough – I arrived on the first day, was introduced to some of the commanders, given my weapon, rapidly shown how to use it, and immediately sent out into the field. One of the commanders made brief mention of the fact that there was a beach where people may go from time to time when they were between assignments, but that it never happened, so the newbies – including me – just assumed that it did not really exist.
The rumours persisted, however, and I started to ask questions about this place. No one I knew had actually ever seen it, or knew anyone first hand who had been there. Like all good urban legends, however, the fame of the place grew in its telling. No Learning person who had seen it had ever come back alive – making it an irresistible challenge. Finally, one day I came across a scrumpled piece of paper on the floor that looked very old, and was very dirty. This obviously led me to the conclusion that it was authentic. I could also make out strange numbers on the paper that seemed to be map coordinates. Or prices of a lunch, but it works better if you read them as coordinates. Anyway, I vowed that I would neither sleep nor eat until I had discovered the secrets of The Beach. After a nap and nice toasted cheese sarmie, I set about looking for a project sponsor to give me a large budget and a mandate to get a crew together…
Heroes and Villains
Another device that must come into play in any successful adventure is the appearance of heroes and villains. Of course, the heroes must be larger than life, and the villains must be particularly evil and malicious. In this case, however, the villains are not altogether evil, and the heroes are not particularly special.
Our first villain is a lady by the name of Darth Mona, who coordinates the space port at Mos Eisley. She leads the scurvy gang responsible for deciding which operatives are assigned to which jobs, as well as sending out bounty hunters when required to help “clean up” previous jobs.
There is a loosely-held theory that she takes bribes, although to date, no successful bribe has ever been given. Our scouts are hopeful, nonetheless. Not even the dreaded Jedi mind tricks seem to work on her… (The force is strong in this one.)
There are all sorts of elaborate alarms for detecting her presence as she walks the corridors of The Beach looking for fresh operatives to send to war. From the little intelligence I have been able to gather regarding the sub-culture that has developed among those on The Beach, the first skill one needs to develop is to avoid detection. Historically, those who have been spotted by her were never seen again, and although there are rumours spread around The Beach about those operatives being seen on other assignments, these can neither be confirmed nor denied.
I was working on a secret mission off world at the place code-named BHPBilliton, and after several months of successful work, most of the team was recommissioned and sent elsewhere. Except for me. The dreaded time had come. Would I be sent to The Beach? Would I know where to find it? Would I ever find my way back onto a mission? Would my fear lead me irrevocably to the dark side?
Mission: Impossible
For my first day of reassignment to The Beach, I went back to the head quarters where it all began. And I watched and waited... It became apparent to me there were many people on The Beach, and they seemed to breeze in and out, coming and going, being billable and not being billable. Then I started to see a pattern emerge…
It was obvious to me that one had to choose a place to sit – no trivial task. There are essentially two places to sit – upstairs or downstairs, and after months and months of empirical observation, I can state categorically that the differences between the two places are air quality, and noise factor.
The downstairs has good quality air – suitable for most life forms to breathe and thrive, whereas the upstairs air seems a bit hotter. Or perhaps the air there is not hot air, but in fact rare air. Either way, this may explain why only super-evolved operatives live up there, and why the rest of us live downstairs.
As far as the noise factor goes – this is dependent upon the day of the week, the time of the day, the proximity to the beverage and food vending machines, and the names of the operatives sitting there. Certain operatives have faulty voice modulators, and exceed the decibel limit which is laid down for our guidance. The remedy to this situation is to scout out all possible locations on The Beach (the downstairs beach) and set up a base camp as soon as you have found a suitable spot. Once claimed, the spot is yours for the day. Although there is some rule about the survival of the fittest and no individual spots, I have noticed a trend whereby certain operatives like to stay in the same location for days on end – seeming not to move to new places at all, whereas other operatives (possibly those under cover) seem to sit in a different place each day.
Rumours are starting to get around that not only is there a Beach for the Rebel Alliance, but that there is one that belongs to the Empire too! Several groups of operatives have been sent on missions to discover the truth of these allegations, and thus far, only one base has been found which was the original base of the Rebel Alliance, but seemed to have been abandoned for some time.
With the impending destruction of the Death Star, the Rebels and those loyal to the Empire will have to learn to inhabit the same beach, and reintegrate their weapons systems. If experience is anything to go by, there will be a lot of alcohol involved. After a few arguments to see whose light sabre is bigger, I have no doubt that peace and freedom will be restored to the galaxy once again. Yoda would be proud.
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