Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Hello Peter substitutes very strange words
I wrote a Hello Peter complaint today (I am sorry that it came to that, but customer service must be that - service).
Two words I used were bleeped out in the complaint that showed online: idiots, and screwed. As in, I had dealt with idiots, and if you bought from this company and your product broke down, you were screwed cos you wouldn't be able to get it fixed.
I can understand swear words and obscenities being bleeped out, but I didn't think those were bad? Sorry people. The thing is, with the substitutions, it looked like i said worse words, which is hillarious.
Maybe I am not as old as I thought I was.
Two words I used were bleeped out in the complaint that showed online: idiots, and screwed. As in, I had dealt with idiots, and if you bought from this company and your product broke down, you were screwed cos you wouldn't be able to get it fixed.
I can understand swear words and obscenities being bleeped out, but I didn't think those were bad? Sorry people. The thing is, with the substitutions, it looked like i said worse words, which is hillarious.
Maybe I am not as old as I thought I was.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Save money on popcorn
Yes, I know it sounds freaky and stupid, but if your kids love popcorn as much as mine do, and prefer the microwave type to the type you do in a pot, then you know what I am talking about.
Save tens of Rands each month by doing this instead:
buy bulk brown bags (a couple of cents each) and the cheap bulk packets of popcorn, and use the two together to make your own microwave popcorn. It works fantastically, give the same exact result (except perhaps for the flavouring) and is a huge hit.
We also bought a shaker of salt and vinegar salt. Now all we need to do is figure out how to flavour the popcorn to butter...
Save tens of Rands each month by doing this instead:
buy bulk brown bags (a couple of cents each) and the cheap bulk packets of popcorn, and use the two together to make your own microwave popcorn. It works fantastically, give the same exact result (except perhaps for the flavouring) and is a huge hit.
We also bought a shaker of salt and vinegar salt. Now all we need to do is figure out how to flavour the popcorn to butter...
Monday, January 17, 2011
Geeks are all around us
So My husband sent me this link this evening and said that if he didn;t find me first this is the type of guy who would have snapped me up. Lovely...
http://notalwaysright.com/love-a-jedi-shall-know/9507
http://notalwaysright.com/love-a-jedi-shall-know/9507
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Blue Cheese
What do you get when you cross a technophobe with a deaf twit? A blue cheese dongle. Lol. No seriously, I was talking to my Mom about a Blue tooth dongle that I need to make my phone talk to my laptop so I can synchronise my calendar and mail contacts etc, and after a momentary silence, she asked me what a blue cheese dongle was.
It, like so many other humorous made up words, has made its way into our everyday language, and always amuses me and my husband when we talk about these things using our “private” in-jokes, and people correct us thinking we are mistaken and wanting to teach us the correct words.
It, like so many other humorous made up words, has made its way into our everyday language, and always amuses me and my husband when we talk about these things using our “private” in-jokes, and people correct us thinking we are mistaken and wanting to teach us the correct words.
So what’s next?
The World came, and saw, and then conquered us, then left – with the teams flying out only hours after their final matches. This surprised me. I thought that people were going to stay and spend their money looking at our “stuff” and visiting all the cool places, but I guess they didn’t want to. Can’t say I am surprised though. I have had a look in the shops, and I do see that the so-called World Cup merchandise was horrifically overpriced, and is on sale from up to 50% off. Perhaps even the tourists with their money going so much further than ours found the paraphernalia too dear.
At least the roads were bliss with our shiny bright new highways in working order. I can’t wait til they are fully operational.
At least the roads were bliss with our shiny bright new highways in working order. I can’t wait til they are fully operational.
Crazy cat lady
I now live with 7 cats. You may think that sounds like I am a crazy cat lady, but it is true. It is a mixed blessing, because we also have to share the space with 3 small dogs, which have a healthy respect for the cats – two of whom regularly punch or claw the dogs just to ensure their reign of terror continues.
So there we were sitting at our computers, playing one or other of our LAN games, when we suddenly heard a hissing and a yelping. I turned my head just in time to see our medium sized grey cat (Michelle, smelly belly) hitting the little black doggie – Chrissie. Now Chrissie is the sweetest dog, and her only sin was walking into the study to sit at the feet of her master, but Michelle decided that she was sitting on the box and no dogs were allowed to pass. Either that or the dog was too close, or she was grumpy, or who knows what else… but Chrissie was set right good and proper.
Another such incident – Ash (the fattest cat in the whole of Edenglen), walked into the room to see if she could cause my husband to pick her up onto his lap by clawing him until he picked her up out of exasperation, when Michelle decided to jump down off the desk and hit her in the face twice. It was the funniest thing. I could hear the knock on her little head and she kind of shook her head as one may do after a fall. Michelle then turned tail and ran.
But Michelle is a causer, and I worry about her because she is always full of sores. But I have seen her. All the cats will be minding their own business eating the food, when Michelle will come along and walk slowly up to the others and start hitting.
On the one hand, it is very funny, but on the other, it is worrying because maybe it means she is insecure.
Mind you, with 6 other cats in your space, perhaps that is the only way to survive.
So there we were sitting at our computers, playing one or other of our LAN games, when we suddenly heard a hissing and a yelping. I turned my head just in time to see our medium sized grey cat (Michelle, smelly belly) hitting the little black doggie – Chrissie. Now Chrissie is the sweetest dog, and her only sin was walking into the study to sit at the feet of her master, but Michelle decided that she was sitting on the box and no dogs were allowed to pass. Either that or the dog was too close, or she was grumpy, or who knows what else… but Chrissie was set right good and proper.
Another such incident – Ash (the fattest cat in the whole of Edenglen), walked into the room to see if she could cause my husband to pick her up onto his lap by clawing him until he picked her up out of exasperation, when Michelle decided to jump down off the desk and hit her in the face twice. It was the funniest thing. I could hear the knock on her little head and she kind of shook her head as one may do after a fall. Michelle then turned tail and ran.
But Michelle is a causer, and I worry about her because she is always full of sores. But I have seen her. All the cats will be minding their own business eating the food, when Michelle will come along and walk slowly up to the others and start hitting.
On the one hand, it is very funny, but on the other, it is worrying because maybe it means she is insecure.
Mind you, with 6 other cats in your space, perhaps that is the only way to survive.
Wedding bells
Well, I have been married for just under 4 months, and my life has been turned upside down, inside out, and perhaps, most of all, the right way round.
I had my dream wedding on the 27th of March at a place called Avianto in Muldersdrift, and it was an absolute fairytale. Everything went according to plan, I had the most beautiful dress in the history of the world, the weather played along fantastically, and everyone I wanted to be there, was there. It was a garden wedding, and the décor was fabulous. It was even better than I imagined, and the rain came pelting down about 15 minutes after we all came inside. Good luck indeed.
It is a challenge to have a complete family already, specially one with teenagers where I have not had children of my own yet, but I think that everything is going well, and it will all be fine in the end.
Best of all, my husband is a biker too.
Here’s to many happy years together my love.
I had my dream wedding on the 27th of March at a place called Avianto in Muldersdrift, and it was an absolute fairytale. Everything went according to plan, I had the most beautiful dress in the history of the world, the weather played along fantastically, and everyone I wanted to be there, was there. It was a garden wedding, and the décor was fabulous. It was even better than I imagined, and the rain came pelting down about 15 minutes after we all came inside. Good luck indeed.
It is a challenge to have a complete family already, specially one with teenagers where I have not had children of my own yet, but I think that everything is going well, and it will all be fine in the end.
Best of all, my husband is a biker too.
Here’s to many happy years together my love.
Wedding bells
Well, I have been married for just under 4 months, and my life has been turned upside down, inside out, and perhaps, most of all, the right way round.
I had my dream wedding on the 27th of March at a place called Avianto in Muldersdrift, and it was an absolute fairytale. Everything went according to plan, I had the most beautiful dress in the history of the world, the weather played along fantastically, and everyone I wanted to be there, was there. It was a garden wedding, and the décor was fabulous. It was even better than I imagined, and the rain came pelting down about 15 minutes after we all came inside. Good luck indeed.
It is a challenge to have a complete family already, specially one with teenagers where I have not had children of my own yet, but I think that everything is going well, and it will all be fine in the end.
Best of all, my husband is a biker too.
Here’s to many happy years together my love.
I had my dream wedding on the 27th of March at a place called Avianto in Muldersdrift, and it was an absolute fairytale. Everything went according to plan, I had the most beautiful dress in the history of the world, the weather played along fantastically, and everyone I wanted to be there, was there. It was a garden wedding, and the décor was fabulous. It was even better than I imagined, and the rain came pelting down about 15 minutes after we all came inside. Good luck indeed.
It is a challenge to have a complete family already, specially one with teenagers where I have not had children of my own yet, but I think that everything is going well, and it will all be fine in the end.
Best of all, my husband is a biker too.
Here’s to many happy years together my love.
Friday, January 01, 2010
New year and gadgets
Happy new year to one and all. And here's my question: if it is 2010, which it is, where are the cool sci fi gadgets like flying cars, teleportatiom devices, and fat eating tablets? Huh? Huh?
I mean, if Ray or Isaac or Arthur had anything to say about it, we would all live in houses that were fully automated with internet everything, wireless everything, and I suppose evil aliens around every corner.
Maybe I can wait if it means we don't get the aliens...
Here's to you. May this year bring you what you want and lots of happiness, joy, and prosperity. :)
I mean, if Ray or Isaac or Arthur had anything to say about it, we would all live in houses that were fully automated with internet everything, wireless everything, and I suppose evil aliens around every corner.
Maybe I can wait if it means we don't get the aliens...
Here's to you. May this year bring you what you want and lots of happiness, joy, and prosperity. :)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Aircon wars revisited
So what is up with people and aircon? Serious question?
I mean, just because it is 35 degrees outside doesn’t mean that it has to be fucking 15 inside! If you just leave the aircon on 22 degrees all year round there won’t be a problem. When I was living in Canada, I left mine on 22 degrees C and it was very pleasant. When it was cold out I found it pleasant and warm inside, and when it was warm out I found it pleasant and cool inside. 22 degrees is the universally accepted standard “room temperature” and this ridiculous thing of putting the temp down to fucking cold in summer and up to fucking hot in winter is why we all get sick. Yes, I know temperature in and of itself can’t make you ill, but if you are fighting a little infection or a bacteria or a virus, it will.
People wear extra clothes in winter cos it’s cold. They wear layers so they can take them off inside the building, but they certainly don’t expect the fucking heat wave they had last year in Hawaii, and the same goes for summer. People wear light clothing, often with no jerseys etc, so when they walk inside the building and it is as if the North Pole has arrived, it is very, very annoying.
Think people! WTF!
I mean, just because it is 35 degrees outside doesn’t mean that it has to be fucking 15 inside! If you just leave the aircon on 22 degrees all year round there won’t be a problem. When I was living in Canada, I left mine on 22 degrees C and it was very pleasant. When it was cold out I found it pleasant and warm inside, and when it was warm out I found it pleasant and cool inside. 22 degrees is the universally accepted standard “room temperature” and this ridiculous thing of putting the temp down to fucking cold in summer and up to fucking hot in winter is why we all get sick. Yes, I know temperature in and of itself can’t make you ill, but if you are fighting a little infection or a bacteria or a virus, it will.
People wear extra clothes in winter cos it’s cold. They wear layers so they can take them off inside the building, but they certainly don’t expect the fucking heat wave they had last year in Hawaii, and the same goes for summer. People wear light clothing, often with no jerseys etc, so when they walk inside the building and it is as if the North Pole has arrived, it is very, very annoying.
Think people! WTF!
You can ring my bell
My fiancé is a wonderful man. Despite the fact that we had only actually been dating for a little over two months, maybe slightly longer, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes!
On what I thought was an unrelated topic, he asked me possibly even two or three weeks earlier what I thought about the whole engagement ring thing – should a man get a woman a promise ring, or THE ring, and my reply – thinking it was just a hypothetical question, and therefore I could say anything without considering whether or not it could possibly apply to me – was that I thought a promise ring was best. It was the best since even if the man knew her taste extremely well, and even if she had said that she had liked a few rings they had passed in shop windows, and even if he knew her preference for white versus yellow gold, or heaven forbid - platinum, there was always room that since little girls know what they want even if they don’t, they will know what they don’t when they see it. But they will never say since it is from their beloved, and it is a gift from him symbolizing a whole institution – a romantic gesture that is almost certain never to be topped. It is also the crowning event of a lifelong fantasy that started when we heard our first, once upon a time story. It is something that is just too important to be left to chance unless you know what you are doing.
Now, in my case – he knew what he was doing, and I felt incredibly bad for being told that I could still have a ring made. But since he insisted, I have had the ring designed that will be the most beautiful ring in the history of the world.
Watch this space for pics of both.
In case you don’t get it – my fiancé is the BEST man in the world. And he’s MINE. So there!
On what I thought was an unrelated topic, he asked me possibly even two or three weeks earlier what I thought about the whole engagement ring thing – should a man get a woman a promise ring, or THE ring, and my reply – thinking it was just a hypothetical question, and therefore I could say anything without considering whether or not it could possibly apply to me – was that I thought a promise ring was best. It was the best since even if the man knew her taste extremely well, and even if she had said that she had liked a few rings they had passed in shop windows, and even if he knew her preference for white versus yellow gold, or heaven forbid - platinum, there was always room that since little girls know what they want even if they don’t, they will know what they don’t when they see it. But they will never say since it is from their beloved, and it is a gift from him symbolizing a whole institution – a romantic gesture that is almost certain never to be topped. It is also the crowning event of a lifelong fantasy that started when we heard our first, once upon a time story. It is something that is just too important to be left to chance unless you know what you are doing.
Now, in my case – he knew what he was doing, and I felt incredibly bad for being told that I could still have a ring made. But since he insisted, I have had the ring designed that will be the most beautiful ring in the history of the world.
Watch this space for pics of both.
In case you don’t get it – my fiancé is the BEST man in the world. And he’s MINE. So there!
What’s inside YOUR toothpaste tube?
My fiancé and I drive or ride in to work together on a daily basis. Yes, it is sappy, and I don’t care. It allows us to spend quality time cursing together at the traffic. No seriously, it allows us to spend at least an additional hour to two hours a day together just chatting and being in each other’s company. What we talk about is not earth-shattering and it won’t change the face of the earth, but it is special to me, and I really enjoy it.
We work very close together in Sandton and it occurred to me one day that instead of fighting the traffic separately, we should fight it together and lend each other moral support while we were at it. Some days we go in the car and some days we go on our bikes. To that end, he bought us the most fun things – Bluetooth headsets – that are an absolute boon.
The box says the range is 500 metres, but it is really more like 100, and doesn’t seem to work that well round a corner. Dunno why. It is as clear as if he were sitting next to me, and we have the best conversations. I am still loving it more than I guess the average person as it is still a novelty to me, and I just love being able to chat to him while we are riding. He usually rides ahead and gives me warnings about cretins who are blocking the road, hogging the white line, or just about to pull out in front of the cars and bikes – i.e., me; and that is also extremely helpful.
Now, here is an interesting thing. In my previous life, when I was still a faithful church-going member, Craig used to often talk about what was in your toothpaste tube. The analogy went like this: you will only know what kind of character you have if it is tested with pressure. In other words, what is inside a toothpaste tube? Whatever is inside, and you can only know that if you squeeze it.
I have seen him squeezed in traffic and at home, and I am pleased to say that he loves me all the same. No wait, that is another story for another day. I am pleased to say that his principles and beliefs and what makes him who he his remains the same even when under pressure. We are in the car today, and of course, were facing cretins at every turn, but then he noticed an elderly lady on the side of the road, hovering by her car, looking a bit frazzled. He immediately said “we need to stop and help her”. He pulled over and instead of being all bent out of shape by the annoying traffic etc, he was all charming and we helped the lady to get petrol and be on her way. He also didn’t let her pay for the petrol we bought her. (Ok, it was only a small amount, but still.)
I am pleased to say – Craig – I have found a man of solid character, not to mention who is kind to old ladies. My mother would be pleased!
We work very close together in Sandton and it occurred to me one day that instead of fighting the traffic separately, we should fight it together and lend each other moral support while we were at it. Some days we go in the car and some days we go on our bikes. To that end, he bought us the most fun things – Bluetooth headsets – that are an absolute boon.
The box says the range is 500 metres, but it is really more like 100, and doesn’t seem to work that well round a corner. Dunno why. It is as clear as if he were sitting next to me, and we have the best conversations. I am still loving it more than I guess the average person as it is still a novelty to me, and I just love being able to chat to him while we are riding. He usually rides ahead and gives me warnings about cretins who are blocking the road, hogging the white line, or just about to pull out in front of the cars and bikes – i.e., me; and that is also extremely helpful.
Now, here is an interesting thing. In my previous life, when I was still a faithful church-going member, Craig used to often talk about what was in your toothpaste tube. The analogy went like this: you will only know what kind of character you have if it is tested with pressure. In other words, what is inside a toothpaste tube? Whatever is inside, and you can only know that if you squeeze it.
I have seen him squeezed in traffic and at home, and I am pleased to say that he loves me all the same. No wait, that is another story for another day. I am pleased to say that his principles and beliefs and what makes him who he his remains the same even when under pressure. We are in the car today, and of course, were facing cretins at every turn, but then he noticed an elderly lady on the side of the road, hovering by her car, looking a bit frazzled. He immediately said “we need to stop and help her”. He pulled over and instead of being all bent out of shape by the annoying traffic etc, he was all charming and we helped the lady to get petrol and be on her way. He also didn’t let her pay for the petrol we bought her. (Ok, it was only a small amount, but still.)
I am pleased to say – Craig – I have found a man of solid character, not to mention who is kind to old ladies. My mother would be pleased!
Friday, August 14, 2009
someone else's waxing experience!
I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,’ Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I’m going to need post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour... ¶
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,’ Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I’m going to need post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour... ¶
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Sheep or people?
It always happens. Everytime I park, or am at a sale, or in fact anywhere, I try to stay away from the crowd. Without fail, they follow. It is as if they can't bear to be on their own, or perhaps that they can't bear to see someone not being engulfed by the madd(en)ing crowd.
If I find a few empty parking spaces even if they are far away from the shops, I park there simply because even having cars next to mine kinda makes me feel a bit claustrophobic. There can be rows and rows of empty spots, but five'll get you ten everytime if you bet that all the cars will be grouped around mine when I come out. Why?
Again, at sales - be it the Exclusive sale that is on, or the Edgars sale, or any other kind of sale, I always start away from the others so that I don't have to elbow my way through, or be elbowed. I like to take my time, and think about things. Everytime they see me, they quickly come over and start grabbing stuff around me inc ase I will get something better than they have over there. So I move to where they were, and the chase begins. They simply can't let me stay on my own, and it makes me crazy.
It is for this very reason that I don't do sales anymore.
People with that "group" mentality really suck. LEAVE ME ALONE already...
If I find a few empty parking spaces even if they are far away from the shops, I park there simply because even having cars next to mine kinda makes me feel a bit claustrophobic. There can be rows and rows of empty spots, but five'll get you ten everytime if you bet that all the cars will be grouped around mine when I come out. Why?
Again, at sales - be it the Exclusive sale that is on, or the Edgars sale, or any other kind of sale, I always start away from the others so that I don't have to elbow my way through, or be elbowed. I like to take my time, and think about things. Everytime they see me, they quickly come over and start grabbing stuff around me inc ase I will get something better than they have over there. So I move to where they were, and the chase begins. They simply can't let me stay on my own, and it makes me crazy.
It is for this very reason that I don't do sales anymore.
People with that "group" mentality really suck. LEAVE ME ALONE already...
Friday, July 10, 2009
food versus cell phones
I was stopped by a very paraat traffic officer the other day for holding my cell phone and my steering wheel in the same hand - I was speaking on speaker, as I had left my walk and talk at home. He motioned for me wind down my window and shouted at me that he wanted to fine me so I should pull over.
I asked politely why? I said I was using the speaker and was not holding the phone to my ear. He was adamant that "one person may not hold their cell phone whilst driving their vehicle".
We waited at the robot to turn, and he didn't want to wait, so just shook his finger at me and drive off.
But here's the question - I have never been stopped by a cop for eating food, or drinking a can of Coke, etc. And yes, they have seen me do it often. I have even gone through road blocks eating while driving.
go figure...
I asked politely why? I said I was using the speaker and was not holding the phone to my ear. He was adamant that "one person may not hold their cell phone whilst driving their vehicle".
We waited at the robot to turn, and he didn't want to wait, so just shook his finger at me and drive off.
But here's the question - I have never been stopped by a cop for eating food, or drinking a can of Coke, etc. And yes, they have seen me do it often. I have even gone through road blocks eating while driving.
go figure...
Friday, June 05, 2009
Taxis and no brains take away commuter's rights to choose
The fucking taxis have really done it this time...
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=13&art_id=vn20090605061132380C414547
I seriously can't even believe it...
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=13&art_id=vn20090605061132380C414547
I seriously can't even believe it...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Marmite or Bovril?
This evening as I was riding home, I decided to stop in at the shops to get one or two things for dinner.
The Woolies near me makes the best crispy roles, and I suddenly felt like roles with cheese and Bovril. Roles - check. Cheese - check. Bovril? Nope. Only about 10 million disgusting bottles of Marmite...
As they say in Malaysia: "how can?" I was devastated. How can the manager allow such a travesty? :(
The Woolies near me makes the best crispy roles, and I suddenly felt like roles with cheese and Bovril. Roles - check. Cheese - check. Bovril? Nope. Only about 10 million disgusting bottles of Marmite...
As they say in Malaysia: "how can?" I was devastated. How can the manager allow such a travesty? :(
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